Happy New Year!

Happy New Year's Eve, everyone. See you on the other side :)


TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Sunny Spot

Do you ever find yourself taking a cat nap in a spot of sun shining through the window? All the warmth and deliciousness of the sun without the burning! lol UV rays don't go through glass, so you can't get burned or tan that way. Cool huh? Anyways, how are you all? You're probably curious as to how my presentation went today. I'll tell you!
It didn't.
That's right. I didn't go. I didn't even do the tri-fold at all. I know, I know. I'm just as sad as you are. I was going to do it. In all honesty I was. But, idk i figured it isn't worth it anyway. I mean, what does it matter? I'm just gonna have to take all these classes again. So whats the point of doing all the hard work for it? That doesn't make sense. Besides, i need to focus on getting an evening job so I can start saving money to get an apartment for Sweetness and I. She hates living with my grandmother, and to be honest I do to. But I'm so used to it, I guess I just don't care anymore. My mom lived with her for years. So I feel like it'll take me that long to get out too. Sweetness won't allow that though. I'm always curious to see how far she'll go before dropping me. I'm dead weight in her life, so it'll be interesting to see hoe far she's willing to go. I'll try to keep you updated in that front if anything changes.
I think its cute that every store is playing Christmas music. I'm sitting in Starbucks like "la la la la! Doo dee doo doo! Jingles merry bells christmas yaaay!" Rocking and stuff. Luckily, no one cares so, its okay. Sweetness has a final today too. So She's busy. I'm gonna go fool around online now.

TTYL,
Sacred Secret

Brown Cow

Don't ask me about the random animal titles. It's just what comes to me, yeah? We're leaving soon. Sweetness has an interview for a job she doesn't want. It's a job though, that will give her more hours (thus more money) than the one she has now. So...anyways. I'll be back. Like, monday. Or something.

THIS BEAT IS SICK,
Sacred Secret

Blue-Bird

I realized something, ladies and gentlemen. I completely forgot to put Pikachu/Zelda paraphernalia on my Christmas list! How sad and tragic! Oh well, I don't actually expect to get anything I wished for anyways.This blog is going to be short, I decided. Cause I don't think I can think of anything to say really. I'll probably skate over to Lowe's for no reason. I'm hungry, and broke. So thats too bad. I've got like fifteen dollars, but that is a pitiful amount of money. Cause usually when people say "I've got fifteen dollars" they mean I have fifteen dollars on me. I literally have fifteen dollars to my name. Right now. It's sad. In any case, I'm getting tired of listening to these med students study, so I'll be going. Hop over to Sweetness's blog and wish her a late happy birthday. She'll appreciate it.

Sleepy,

Sacred Secret

Happy Birthday, Sweetness.

Sweetness, I want you to know how much I love you. You are such a beautiful woman and I am so grateful that I have gotten to stick around and watch you grow more and more beautiful each and everyday. I love to watch you flourish and spread tentative wings, it pains me to watch you struggle and get frustrated, but know that I will always be around to help you through it all. I'll be here for you as long as you need me, Sweetness. I promise. I love you. Happy Birthday, my love.
 
Starbucks is full of people today. I had to ask a gentleman if I could sit next to him. He didn't mind, and here I sit. I purchased a Christmas gift for Sweetness and Pooka. By some strange miracle I had like, $20 extra dollars in my bank account. Merry Christmas to me! Of course, I only got them one gift each, but that should be enough. I got gifts for the most important people in my life.

Sweetness turned 20 today. 

She's in class though, and I don't know what we're gonna do when we get out, since I'm broke and so is she. I wish I could have bought her a present for her birthday. But hopefully what I did buy will get here just in time for it to be a half and half present. Half birthday half Christmas. I just hope she likes it. I don't know anything about it. But Amazon has never done me wrong before. I'm counting on no one else getting her any. Cause if they do, mine will look really cheap and sad. Oh wells.

Okay! So I did something cool (aka FUCKIN SCARY AS HELL) today. I drove Sweetness's car to Starbucks! Now most of your are probably like, "well why is that a big deal? You're a grown ass woman." That's not the point. The point, my flowers, is that I do not have my license. And I've never driven alone before. See, Sweetness was going to be late for class so she told me to drive the car to Lowes. Which is more or less, just across the intersection. I, however, being terribly nervous and inexperienced, got in the far left lane. I didn't know that left lane means turn, but I figured it out. So I drove down what I believe is the highway, flipped a u-turn, hit the wrong pedal (luckily there was no one behind me) and came to a dead stop in the middle of the highway, then gunned it for the light, passed two cops (both of which btw didn't give a damn about me), drove into Lowe's parking lot and parked as close to Starbucks as I could. (long sentence) So thats what I did this morning. Right after deciding what Sweetness was going to wear today as her birthday outfit.I decked her out I think, and if I had more time, I would have done her make-up and flipped her hair. She looks hot when its like that. She likes it. Thats all that matters.

Starbucks is emptying out. there's only like four people in here now, (not including me), compared to the original ten or so. And this is not a very big Starbucks. Anyway, it's warm and cozy so I don't care. I kind of prefer the background chatter that comes with a bunch of people being in here. Its nice. I want to own my own coffee shop someday.

Alright, this time, I'm really going to write. Yesterday I got on Gaia (www.gaiaonline.com)and spent all my time there. It's sort of addicting. But today I promise I won't. I will check my email though. And that's it! I swear. ;)

Happy Birthday, Sweetness,

Sacred Secret

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Seriously, it might as well snow. Here I am, in Starbucks again, while Sweetness is in class. My cock-sucking whore bitch of an "aunt" (parenthesis because I refuse to claim her as family)is at my house, so instead of going home and chillin and getting warm and cozy with a cup of Sweetness's coffee and a book, I'm at the coffee shop. Now, as I've said before I enjoy being at the shop, because it makes me feel true to my craft. But that's not the point. Oh well. You know what? I need to get out of Washington. I need to jump ship like Kelsie. Except, if I go, I'm taking my woman. She's the only sane person I fucking know. I could live with Sweetness. Matter-of-fact, I live with her now! I could easily move in somewhere with her. No problem. We occasionally have our fights, but that happens. Nothing too big or unbearable. We're pretty symbiotic now. I'm happy with where we are.

Anyway, I gotta figure out how to talk about something else. I'm really sleepy and cold.I want a coffee, but I promised Sweetness that I'd buy her one for her birthday (tomorrow) so I can't. I love spending money on her, and I think she knows it lol. Of course, she feels bad whenever I do it, but I don't mind. She lights up like a kid, and gets all smiley and stuff. Its adorable, and highly addicting. I
can't help myself. Its a bad habit for my wallet. But caring is sharing, isn't it?
I did it again.

So, I'm going to try writing in this environment. The Society suffers when I'm in contact with the internet. Its another bad habit. I can't seem to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing if I have the internet. For instance, I'm blogging when I should be filling out applications, or writing, or something like that. But blogging is sort of relaxing. Kind of like the Internets form of meditation. I can vent to you and you won't give a damn. Mainly because you don't care, but also because someone, somewhere out there, understands. And I think that's part of the allure of the internet. You're not alone. Ever. No matter what you're interests are, no matter what time it is where you are. There is someone on the same site as you, some one searching what you're searching, someone feeling how you're feeling. and it makes the world a closer place. A single unit like I'm sure many people have dreamed that it could be. Kudos, inventor of the internet.You made the world a arguably better place.

I'm gonna go now, probably do something I shouldn't. Tootles.

Happy Holidays,

Sacred Secret

222

So, I'm at Sweet's today. I'm going to work on my homework later, but for now I'm blogging. Sweetness seems to be slightly annoyed by my current thread of blogging. (Sorry, Sweet) but she'll be okay. I like it. Also, I have a question. If in the case that two switches were in a relationship how would they go about switching properly? Especially if they were both more sub than Dom? I have quite the conundrum. I'm just asking out of curiosity. If you have advice, hit me up.

Love You,
Sacred Secret

On the continue...

So like I was saying, pictures, true? Bento for you, so you know what to look for when you send me cool pictures of it. lol

These are pictures of Bento I DID NOT MAKE. I commandeered them from Google.If these pictures are yours, let me know and I'll add your URL to the post. no big deals. So how is the rest of your day? I'm watching Sweetness's cousin play Batman: Arkham City. Its pretty rad. Pick it up.

Love,
Sacred Secret

Friday's Release

So, today is Friday, December 2nd. How are you going to spend yours? I'm going to head over to Sweetness's place later today. She's driving, of course. I don't mind her driving. Lol to be honest, I kind of like having her drive me places. That way I don't have to worry about it myself. There are the occasional questions of which way to go or whats the speed limit here, but I take these as more rhetorical questions than anything else. I don't think she really requires my input, but then again, I could be wrong.
Oh! Okay so I have to share with you my new love for Bento. I find them to be completely irresistible. I'll post pictures later. Either this afternoon/evening or sometime this weekend. If you don't know what Bento is right now, and want to know, you should check out this blog!
Either http://justbento.com/
Or http://happylittlebento.blogspot.com/
Both of these sites I find to be ADORABLE. You don't have to. But I do. Speaking of cute and cuddly, what is your favorite animal? Have you ever thought about it? If you've attended a public school, probably. I think its one of the most common questions you get asked in school "ice-breakers". (Sweetness HATES those, by the way) You know within the first week or so of school the whole class gets up and has to play some sort of "Hi, my name is" game. They're usually boring and too long for my tastes. How come they can't think of something fun to do to get us to know each other?
It's things like that, that make me want to become a teacher. So I can change the way we play "ice-breaker" games. :) Is that a silly reason for wanting to become an educator?
That's alright. I think my real reason is because most of my role-models as a child were Teachers. Or knew Teachers. Or worked for Teachers. I was surrounded by educators and yet, I'm pretty average in intelligence. I think I got jipped. Let me re-do my childhood! I wanna go back and be smarter!!
At least, that's how I feel about it anyways. I could be wrong. Maybe its a subconscious thing. Maybe it's not just the fact that I grew up around Teachers but more along the lines that I want to be better than all those Teachers. Like I watched them all do it wrong, so I know I can do better. Unfortunately, I need all of those Teachers to teach me how to teach. So maybe I'll turn out just like them....
Ew.
That would be completely against the point!
Whatever. I can't let stuff like this drag me down. I'm very optimistic today. The Voices are being very active. Keeping me entertained and what-what.
Sweetness's birthday is in four (4) days. I don't have any money, so I can't get her anything. I was thinking of buying her a ******, except for that their really expensive and I'd have to order it online. Then it would be late. So I'm going to help make her a cake. I'll post a picture of what we want it to look like after I make it, so Sweetness can't get on here and know before she's supposed to. I also want to post pictures of her with her gift, except I don't think she'll want me to. They'll probably only make it to Facebook. Which is dumb, because that site gets a bajillion times more traffic than my lil' ol' blog. And I think all of you should see Sweetness with her 20th birthday present. I really can't wait. It's going to be a mildly stressful weekend. Not this weekend though. Next weekend. The 10th and 11th. Hopefully. If things don't change. Again. -__-...Because stuff like that has a tendency to happen because SOME PEOPLE can't tell people what their doing, when their doing it. Sooo we gotta be reeaaaal flexible like, ya feel me? I was really hoping I'd be able to buy her Lover Reborn (http://www.jrward.com/bdb/) but it isn't out yet and I don't think I can pre-order it. I'll look into it more though and see. If I can, maybe it will suffice for her birthday and then I only have to worry about Christmas. I told her I wasn't going to get her anything, but we both know thats a lie. (side note, Lover Reborn comes out March 27th, so the likelihood that I can pre-order it now is slim. Maybe if I save my money...) Anyway, what do you think I should get her? I can't get her something she really wants, because I don't have that kind of cash-ola. So, I'm kind of screwed in that department. I'm at a loss. But I'll keep trying! Maybe I can just buy her a hot chocolate the day of, and give her a massage? lol super kiss-up-cause-i-didn't-buy-you-anything, but thats fine. I hope. Either way, I'll make it up to her.
I gotta go do other things now, see you soon, my blogger friends.

"The stick is hard, but the carrot is sweet."
Sacred Secret

S-E-X..In Video Games

This'll be short, cause I'm supposed to be working on my paper, and Sweetness will kill me if I spend too long here. My day has been going alright. I'm re-finding my love for blogging. Which is good for all of you, not that there's A LOT of you or anything. I'm just saying in general. Its deceptively cold outside. The sun is shining but its freezing. Do you have days like that where you are?

Love, Peace, French Fries,

Sacred Secret

Coffee Shop

So, here I am. Sitting in Starbucks, blogging. It's weird how easy it is to write when you know that no one else gives a shit about what you're doing on your computer because their too busy doing whatever it their doing on their computers. LOL That was a dumb sentence.The only downside to sitting in here is that I am reeeaaallllly tempted to buy a coffee or something. It's such a pleasant atmosphere. I wish I had a little coffee shop, not necessarily Starbucks, near me at my house. One I could just drop in to at any time and chill.Not to say I can't chill at my own house, but it's just more fun to do it somewhere else. Somewhere I don't have to worry about my friends or family needing something. Somewhere that I can people watch, and sip coffee and let the voices of my guys talk to me in their own pace. Usually I'm rushing them, or prodding them to speak and when you do that, they don't sound genuine. It just sounds...quick. And writing, novel writing, doesn't respond well to that rushed thing. They get kind of mad. At least, my guys do. They get all grumbly and warrior like. Actually, it's almost childlike. But only some of them do that. Some of them are willing to talk whenever I need them too. And others still only talk when they want to, so when they do I have to jot down some notes before they either stop or I forget. It's kind of hectic. I wish I could designate the times they talked. I could try to set a time to encourage them. Like If I sat down every other day at four o clock and set my fingers on the keys, maybe they would get the hint after a while that I'm willing to set aside time to listen to them.
Not to say that I'm not. Because I love listening to whatever they have to say, whenever they feel the urge to say it. I love talking with them. It spices up my otherwise boring life. Anyway, I ought to use this time to actually listen to the guys, instead of blogging.

Speak softly, Listen forever,

Sacred Secret

Streaming...1, 2, 3...

This time, I don't have a prompt. There's nothing in particular that I want to say. I just thought I should blog to waste some time. I'm sitting in the Library. Waiting on Sweetness. I didn't bring my laptop, so I can't write. I haven't moved my writing to a flash drive yet. I could read my book, but I don't really want to. I could be doodling, or writing random stuff. But its rare that you get a computer in the Library so I'm just gonna chill here until I can't think of anything else to do.
I know what I should be doing. I should be in ASL right now. But I've missed a week and a half of that class, and I will be SO lost when I go back, that I just...I just don't want to. Do you ever get that displaced feeling like you're walking into a room of people that know each other really well? I do. All the time. Even if I know I'm walking into a place where no one knows anyone. I just feel like everyone has a friend somewhere and I am alone. My social ties are so skewed. Sweetness is really my only link to the "outside". Other than her, if it weren't for my occasional access to the internet I think I'd be considered a Hermit.
I can't say I really mind though. lol I know Sweetness doesn't. I enjoy staying at home and playing Video games and listening to Sweetness tell me about her day. I tend to take the masculine role in the relationship, but there is hardly anything I enjoy more than staying home and waiting for her to come back. I don't really like to get up every morning and go out into the world. I'd rather go at night, when no one is around except the occasional person, who, like me is expecting hardly a soul to be out. I think I'm gonna need to work the night shift! Except, Sweetness would have to sleep alone, and we can not have that. Sweetness tends to have bad dreams when she sleeps alone, and I hate it when I can't console her. It makes me feel awful.
Now that I think about it, I probably define "awful" differently than you do. I think of it more like a sense of failure than a real emotion. It's hard for me to describe emotions or feelings at all. I know I have them, Sweetness says I do. But I feel more apathetic than everyone else. Sweetness worries about everyone, she's very generous that way, and she experiences sadness and pain and joy and elation. I...don't. I just don't. I don't think I feel things the same way.
I know. I know. You're thinking "DUH! No one feels or thinks the same way!" But thats not what I mean.
I'm saying I don't think I feel. I don't acknowledge emotions, and the ones I'm forced to acknowledge I resent. I abhor feeling anger. That is the one I hate the most. It is a useless emotion, that gets you nowhere. It's only use is violence and I don't particularly believe in the use of that either. The other emotion I hate? Sadness. I feel it occasionally. As you know, I loathe crying. I do it more now, and I feel like I have Sweetness to blame. Stupid things are making me tear up. I don't understand. And not necessarily "tear up" that isn't the right one. Its just that stupid sting in your sinuses, you know? Kind of like you're going to sneeze, but it shoots up into you're eyes instead.
Obnoxious.
I shove these emotions away. I do it quickly and effectively. The only way my methods fail is if it has something to do with Sweetness. She unravels all of my defenses and drops them at my feet like they never existed in the first place. So I'm beginning to get the hint that I should just stop trying. But since I've grown up this way, with a barriers in place against everything and everyone, its extremely difficult to break them down myself.
I have barriers up around everyone. No one gets too close, except for those that bulldoze their way in. The moment that person betrays me, however...Barrier. You're no longer within my inner gates. And it's going to take you a very long time to get back in. Sweetness has made it to the inner walls I think, and she's chipping away at the final wall. The last thing keeping me from being insane about her.

That is dangerous.

I can't allow myself to get that tied up into Sweetness. Don't get me wrong. I love and adore my Sweetness. She is a brilliant light in my life that I respect and admire. I always have. I would do anything for her, willingly or not. And there is nothing I would not get for her if she asked. Matter of fact, I have a running list of things I plan to get for her as soon as I get a job. An Apartment being top on the list.
Yes, I do toss in the occasional thing for myself. A game, a pair of pants, food. Whatever. But most of my earnings will go toward whatever she wants. I'm in that deep.
But I cannot allow myself to get in any deeper. I won't. Especially if I know that Sweetness will want to marry a man someday, and have a "traditional" family. She wants kids and some dogs in a relatively large house. With a fence and a large backyard. She probably wants a pool, too. But I will never be able to provide those things for her. I know this. I've come to terms with it. And I know, on the inside, she has too. And of course it will hurt when we part, but we'll never stop loving each other, or being around each other. It will just mean that this section of our lives has come to a close. I do not look forward to this day. And yet...I do. I hope to see Sweetness get married in the wedding of her dreams to a man she trusts and loves. That would make me happy. Because it would make her happy. I'll stand by her side until I can't stand anymore. And then I'll kneel.
There's something about her that keeps me hanging on. I can't explain it.
Anyway, you're probably more than done listening to me talk about Sweetness and my heartsick self. I'm going to go upstairs and read or something now.

Have a wonderful day. And make sure the one you love, knows how much.
Sacred Secret

Artists

So, my Sweetness is an artist. Do you know what that means? It means she's a wonderfully creative, brilliant, visual learner with amazing skills with her hands through various mediums. It also means, she's the world's harshest critic. Artists are the most intense set of people I have ever come to know. And that's just by saying, compared to the Writer's Circle. Not to say that they are particularly friendly either. But Artists? They do everything they can to create perfection, but as I'm sure you know, perfection cannot be obtained. It cannot be created, or seen, or done. Perfection does not and can not exist.

Artists are going to try their damnedest though.

I have watched her slave away for hours over just one project, just so at the end she can look over at me and say "I hate it." I can't help but look at this incredible work of art she has been working on and stare at her incredulously. How can she hate it? If I could do something like that! I would worship my hands! Hell, if I could somehow manage to get them to cooperate long enough to improve my hand writing I'd jump for joy. But this is not the case. She makes beautiful drawings, sketches, paintings. Now she is trained in computer graphics and the visuals she makes are just as brilliant. I've watched her dabble in sculpting too and she's pretty freaking good at that!
But to an Artist, it isn't good enough. There is nothing in this world that will make their work "good" to them, in their eyes. And it depresses me.
I look at all the "flaws" of the work and see that it gives it character. There's a wrinkle, or a smudge, or a fingerprint? Fine. That's wonderful. Becasue it shows the piece as a piece itself and not just something you did. Maybe this is just from a Writer's point of view, but I want people to see the work for the work, and then see it as I wanted them to see it. If I write something and think to myself "I want people to think this is a story about garbage" and then read the reviews and hear "its a story like romeo and juliette!" Then thats wonderful.
Why would I not want to send it off and hear what people think?
Isn't that the point of creating? To give your work life, whatever life may fill it, and send it off into the world? Much like raising a child, you can only do so much before there is nothing else you can do. You have to let the work take it's course, otherwise it won't come out at all.
Prose needs to be coaxed, to be sweet-talked out of your mind and fingers. It needs to be lured with promises and smiles, and sugary treats. I feel like all creation is like that. You can't lure a carving out of a piece of wood by yelling at it. You have to ease the knife down the wood, play it like a fine instrument. The same should be true with a painting or a sketch, or a work of poetry. Even if the emotion you're feeling, the one that inspired you to begin the piece is harsh or quick or frightening in its intensity, you can't show that to the piece.
You cannot show a child a scene of their parent in distress, it will stress the child. You must ease the child into believing that there is nothing wrong at all. They will come to learn more easily, less traumatically. This gives you the result you're looking for. The child is aware, but calm, and you're conveyed emotion is correct. With a piece of artwork you have to be calm on the outside, even if you are raging war in the inside.
Creation is the most intense form of meditation.
Unfortunately, Sweetness is very, very bad at meditation. But she is a brilliantly wonderful Artist. How can I go about helping her be not quite so harsh with herself? It breaks my heart to see her rip down everything she's worked so hard on. I just wish there was something I could do about it.

If you have any advice on the matter, it would be greatly apperciated.


Oh, and by the way, Happy Anniversary, Sweetness. :)

Sacred Secret

There is an interesting sort of pleasurable feeling that comes with accomplishing something like studying or completing an assignment. Catchya later, blogger babes.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret


Check It: "With You" - Linkin Park

She Works.

She has a job. That makes me bored, when she leaves and I have nothing to do. But it's okay. I don't really mind. Today, I'm going to clean the kitchen for her, and work on my short story for PandA Club. I don't think Sweetness remember's that it's her turn to bring the food. But I'll remind her. I forgot how much fun blogging is. I should try to do it more often.. I say that in like, every other post, huh? Oh well. Sucky my balls, yo. lol ;)

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

P.S: What should I eat?

Once Upon A Story

My woman, she's a complicated one. And in my simplistic complication, I often accidentally overlook some of her needs. I apologize, Sweetness. I know I don't do right by you. But I'm trying. Our views are just very different on some things. My brain is wired to be 'anti-stress', so when we try to talk about things that are labeled stressful in my mind, it kind of malfunctions and my thoughts explode, and on top of all that, I think slow. So It takes me a while to get my exploded thoughts back into any semblance of order. I'm not trying to fountain an excuse into you're ear, I'm just trying to explain.

I love you too, Sweetness.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Holy Wow!

I just reviewed my blogs Stats and I found out that people in Latvia have read my blog! Or at least visited it anyway. Thats pretty cool! China, Russia, France, and Luxembourg! That made my day! It kinda makes me want to post more often, except that I'll still have nothing to say. I wish some of the people from different countries would comment. It's boring in America. lol

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Smelly Cheese

I'm playing Harvest Moon: Magical Melody today. I've gotten farther than ever in this one day than i have in the entire time I've had the damn game. It's whatever though. I'm wondering about weird stuff. I had a dream that my girlfriend and I were chillin on the couch, watchin tv, I had my head in her lap, and she leans over kisses me, and shoves her hand into my pants. Of course, being in the living room gives it huge thrill points, but it isn't something she would do, so I know its a dream. I'm really hoping I didn't cum in my sleep. Thats super embarrassing. Has anything like that ever happened to you?

Sacred Secret

How I Feel

"Each kiss I lay on a scar, just means that I accept that part of you with as much love and admiration as the skin that isn't scarred. These are what makes you - you are perfect in your flaws, and are the greater sum of your parts." ---Someone on Gaia


Yeah, thats how I feel about you.


TWMA,
Sacred Secret

I edited my blog! Cool, huh? Sorry that I don't post very often. It's kind of a whenever I think about it type of thing. Not a "It's Tuesday and I should blog!" thing. but I'm trying to revive it I promise. I want people to come back and read it. I know I had a couple followers for a while. I don't really mind if people read my blog though. It's kind of just an outlet for me to release my random thoughts into. I don't think I have anything really important to say, but let me see if I have a poem or something to dish out...Aha! I found one. I wrote this a while ago for my friend! She never read it, so you can!

"Robin"

Little Robin, broken wings.

Fluttering in the winter breeze

With so little lift, but such great song,

The earth’s breath carries her soul along.

Plain of feather, plain of eye

This little song bird is oft denied

First frost scares her away,

But we await her sight on summers first day.

How can one be so dependent on such a little bird?

So plain, so unobtrusive to everyday life.

Simple song, simple look.

Broken wings mean nothing to this angel of seasons.

The cat calls out to her, ‘make merry, for I hunger not. In my garden you may play.’

But the Robin is swift of mind and takes no heed of this foul tempt.

Little bird, soft of word, with broken wing and clouded eye

Stay true to your path.

Your nature guides us all.

Shine your song a fore you,

The earth breathes again for you.

Well, there you have it. I'm pretty sure that I don't have anything else But if I did I would give it to you. Anyway, have a nice day.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate her life, through devotion, to something beyond herself.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Feeling

It's an interesting feeling.

That feeling you get when you have time to think and reality pools around you like an invisible lead blanket. Soon you're standing at the epicenter of your crumbling world, and you are utterly and completely confused.

I took the time to meditate last night. A Beautiful thing. Silence of the mind, stillness of the body. It helps me ease myself. But I'm still thinking. I'm thinking about everything I've done and how fucked up my karma is right now. I'm a little scared and nervous about what I've recently discovered about myself.

Maybe I'm just really interested in it and so I think I personally like it? I'm not sure. I wish I could talk to someone within the scene about it. They would know for sure. I think. Ahh I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to go about asking. I don't want to offend anyone. That is not something I ever want to do.

A man?

A woman?

I'm not sure.

I'm positive that I would enjoy having a female at my Mercy. But a male? I don't think I could do it. I think I'd cower before him, even if he said "Do with me as you will." No, no. I'd probably have a nervous breakdown.

-sigh- I really need someone to talk to about this. OR someone to tell me what I think. I wish telepaths were more prominent in this world. I'm so confused.

Its like a pressure on my chest when I think about it. A heavy, pleasant, constricting, torturous feeling that I can't control. It makes me squirm and beg for relief. But none comes and I am stuck. I'm having dreams about it. Vivid dreams that I wake up sweaty and panting from. Wet all over with nothing but silence and the hot air of the room to keep me company. I suppose if anyone has any advice they should message me. It would be so wonderful to talk to someone like minded. Or at least set in their mind. Someone who actually knows what they want.

I'm surrounded by indecisive people and its rubbing off on me. Making me unsure of even what I want for breakfast. It's that intense. So I'm going to do definite things today and try to figure out if I could ever control someone else to do them for me. Or if I enjoy pretending that I am doing it for someone else's pleasure.

My favorite sub quote is something along the lines of "It takes a strong person to lead well, it takes a stronger person to abandon their needs and desires for the needs of another."

It makes me think. I want to give myself up completely to someone. I want to think of another person's wants, needs, dreams, goals, pleasures and fetishes before my own. I want to know someone so completely that I can correctly execute what they would want before they say it. On the flip side however, i would also love for someone to be willing to take the time to know me that well. There are none. And perhaps it is because I am closed off. Protective of everything that is a secret to me, that I cannot tell anyone. Maybe I am the most brilliant actress in that I even fool myself. i don't know who I am. And maybe It will take me a few decades to figure it out.

As certain as I seem, I am wholly uncertain.

TWMA.

Mercy

What did I say?

THATS WHAT I THOUGHT!

;)

Superbowl

G-R-E-E-N-B-A-Y!!!

Greenbay bay-bay! lol I hope they win!

No I will not eat my words if they lose.

THEY WON'T.

Greenbay! Let's Get It!

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

Every Once In A While..

Every once in a while, it comes down on me. Like a lead cloud. Without warning and without much coaxing it descends and mercilessly rips apart all the resolve and sense of duty I’ve built up to keep doing this. It’s a weird feeling. Like suddenly the entire universe turns its giant all-knowing, all-seeing eye on me and says “You’re wasting your life. Going down the wrong path. Quit now. It’s not worth it.”

But then, theres another part of me that says, what if it is worth it? What if I just stuck with a decision for longer than a few months? Would it kill me? And how will my mom be affected if I just dropped watching the boy for a year or two? To get the education every demands I have.

I think, through all their screaming and demanding and arguing and fighting, what the hell do you guys know that I don’t? How do you all seem to know whats good for me when half of you can’t even figure out whats good for yourselves? I mean really, what could you know that I don’t? Were you given a manual for this shit sometime when I was sleeping in until two?

That hardly seems fair. They should have sent mine in the mail. Or something. What am I supposed to do? I really wish life was more like Cowboy Bebop. At least then I could get the hell out of here. Own my own spaceship and zip around the cosmos for as long as I have gas in the tank. Think you need a license for one of those? Probably. In which case I’d be in the same transportation situation I’m in now.

Sucky is what that is. Maybe I should just cave and play by their rules. The ones they made up out of their asses. Why do I just have to follow what they say? Cause their older and presumably smarter than me? Because they’ve experienced completely different things than I have? No one has ever lived my life before, so how can they tell me what to do with it? Yeah, that sounds like a great plan.

I’ll just end up as lost and fucked up as everyone else. Then again, at least they don’t know they’re lost. They get to swim around in a pool of oblivious ignorance, thinking everything is okay with who and what they are and where they’re going in life. I get to be stuck here on the island afraid of swimming because I don’t want to get lost. Except I’ve lost myself in the trees and I can’t get out.

Whatever.

Wake me up. Wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark. Bid my blood to run, before I come undone. Save me from the nothing I’ve become.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret