Forget all that stuff I said about before. I'm going to Culinary School now. I think this is what I'm supposed to do. Maybe. I don't know for sure. But it feels really right.
I'm having some inner conflicts. It's annoying because I can't talk to anyone about. No one that is unbiased or anything anyway. Someone who I won't hurt their feelings or anything by asking. Urgh. This is hard. I'll figure it out as I go though I guess. Can you put things in "maybe" at stores? Like, can you go in and say "hey, keep this ring in stock I might want it later"? I don't think so. But what if I decide Yeah, that's what I want, annnd it's gone? Or I don't want to do it and I have this $2000 ring in my fucking pocket? That's some shit. I don't know what I'm doing. I think I'm too young for this.
As much as I think I know myself, maybe I don't know myself at all. Psychologists say you can never truly know yourself. And Religious people say you can find yourself through deity-such-n-such. So, I'm confused. I'm sure you can gleam what it is I'm confused about.
Well, I almost have three jobs. I'm starting school in a week and right now I'm not extremely worried about where I'll be living next month. I'll be 22 in January. My 2.5 year Anniversary is coming up on the 16th with Sweetness. I should figure out what I want to do for her birthday in December. I haven't thought about it. And I still need to get her something for Christmas. I got her some small things for our Anni. I'm hoping to make the next one really big. But on the flipside, we're sortof scheduled to break up in January. Sooo....
But I don't know if I really want to break up with her. I love her with everything I am. But I'm not entirely sure if I can experience everything I want to experience with her by my side. So do I ask her to stand by me and bite her tongue while I do a bunch of things she disapproves of? Or do I let her go and beg her to wait for me to figure my shit out? Or do I let her go and let Ka do with her what it will? If I let her go I might never get her back. I might be proving people right. Am I afraid of commitment and that's my problem? I've never seen two people just be married before. I don't even understand how to do that. It's all monogamy and straight stuff and stuff. But I'm thinking about marrying my GIRLFRIEND. I'm a girl. And I want to marry my girlfriend. I think. See? I'm not sure exactly what I want to do. But I need to do something because just jerking her around all over the place while I figure it out isn't fair. Is it? Is it what she wants? How does she feel about marriage? I want to wear a dress too. What about our kids? We both want to be pregnant. Are we gonna adopt or go Invitro? Surrogates? Fostering? Find a real handsome guy and have sex with him? Ask a friend? What about our parenting styles? They're really different. Or sex? I love sex. She loves sex. I think. But I want to explore. I want to show off my body and be a nude model. i want to do rope bondage and I want to get boudoir photos done. I want to be appreciated by male eyes and I want to be lusted over and dominated. I want to be spooned and cuddled and towered over. How does she feel about it? Does she crave the roughness of a male palm like I do? Or she content with my soft one? Is she happy or is she settling because she's afraid of change? And I happy or am I scared of static? I have no idea. I'm lost and confused. And I don't really know what I'm talking about.
I need some lunch
Sacred Secret
