(The following is unedited and un-revised)
The strength of the title is irrelevant. I'm just having some thought process issues that need to be addressed and can be addressed no where but here.So, New York. That's what it all boils down to. I don't know what I did, but apparently I do. For some reason everyone is mad at me and I think it comes down to the fact that I didn't tell him I was leaving. But who cares? I mean, I'm not going to his house. Granted, I didn't call my Aunt until today...I meant to do it sooner, I'm just a lazy procrastinator. I am horribly lazy. Its ridiculous. If I wasn't, I'd be rolling in money right now. But instead I'm a lazy, lazy girl who is afraid of change and confrontation. I have strong opinions and desires by my motivation to get the them is extremely weak. I don't know how to motivate myself to do things.It is very hard for me to get things done for some reason. And I have no idea how to deal with excessive emotion. Stress scares me. And because I avoid it so much, by not doing things, I have no idea how to deal with it. So here I sit, ranting my problems to the internet because I can't trust anyone else to sit and listen and not give me advice.I'm not looking for advice. I just need space to figure out how I feel about things. I think I should probably call him. But I don't particularly WANT to call. I don't think he deserves it. But that is a petty, childish way of thinking. I know that as a grown woman, I should face my problems head on with little to no fear. That is the kind of person I want to be. But I am sheltered and scared. Inexperienced. I still live in a fantasy world. I still dream that big men from my books will come to my window at night and whisk me away. Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Or maybe I'm just a little girl trapped in a woman's body with no choice but to put on big girl panties. It's difficult to figure out what I want from myself when I'm so busy trying to figure out what everyone else wants. This isn't to say that I don't ever take myself into account, because I do...occasionally. But most of the time its "Well how will that effect so-so?" or "How does blah feel about that?" "Will I have time for Lala if I do this?" It's all everyone else everyone else. I don't want to be perceived as a selfish person but I have just as many goals and dreams as everyone else god dammit! I'm not an asshole for stating my thoughts. I'm not a jerk because of my preferences. I'm not weird because of my likes or dislikes. I'm not fucked up because of the way I do things. I'm just me. And whether or not that pisses people off isn't my problem. Or at least it shouldn't be. I wish Grandpa was here. He would be able to tell me what to do. Or at least have some sort of wisdom. I miss him a lot more than I think I do. When I get back from New York, if I still go, I'm going to change things. I need to stand up on the two feet that I've been given and work for myself for once. Go back to school or go to work or whatever. I need to do something with my life so I can begin achieving the goals I have mentally set for myself and told myself I won't reach. I need to get over my fear of the phone. I need to get off my need to not upset people and I need to start thinking about myself. Because that's how the real world works. This martyr bullshit only works in third world countries and books. I'm in neither. So that's how it goes. I just hope I can get all of this sorted out neatly. I called my mother for advice, she is going to come over and help me. I don't know exactly how, but I have faith that she knows what she's doing. And if she doesn't, she has the confidence to go through with it anyway. My mother is a wonderful person. But she is in the same place I am right now. She isn't steady. I will be.
I will be steady.
I will be self-sufficient.
I will achieve that which I have denied myself.
I will accept and make change.
I will do right by myself.
I will succeed.
I believe that I can do all of these things by strength of will. My Grandfather was stubborn and tough. But he was also generous and persuasive. He made a living for about sixty-five years as one of the best drug dealers in our area. He developed his own fencing company, he mined for gold in Alaska, he had thousands of friends and allies. And someday, I aspire to bring as much joy to people as he did. He may have been an asshole at times, but he knew when to do it. He knew how to have fun and be himself while taking care of others. He knew when to lie, when to tell the truth, who to trust and who to leave in the dust. Hehe that rhymed. But seriously, he was awesome. And I hope that I can tell stories that serve him justice. I want my brother and my children to think of him as the coolest person in the world. Because he was.I don't think I'll ever respect anyone as much as I respected him.
My train of thought has slowed down now. I think I should be able to think a little more clearly now. I need to call my father and explain to him my "feelings". I apologize if he's upset, but there's nothing I can do about that. I can't come see him in September. I'll be busy. I'll be working (hopefully) and I'll be trying to find a place to stay. So that is unacceptable.
My mom and my baby brother have arrived, so I'm going to sign off and sort all this out. Thanks for listening, blog. Without you, I'd go crazy.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
