Feeling

It's an interesting feeling.

That feeling you get when you have time to think and reality pools around you like an invisible lead blanket. Soon you're standing at the epicenter of your crumbling world, and you are utterly and completely confused.

I took the time to meditate last night. A Beautiful thing. Silence of the mind, stillness of the body. It helps me ease myself. But I'm still thinking. I'm thinking about everything I've done and how fucked up my karma is right now. I'm a little scared and nervous about what I've recently discovered about myself.

Maybe I'm just really interested in it and so I think I personally like it? I'm not sure. I wish I could talk to someone within the scene about it. They would know for sure. I think. Ahh I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to go about asking. I don't want to offend anyone. That is not something I ever want to do.

A man?

A woman?

I'm not sure.

I'm positive that I would enjoy having a female at my Mercy. But a male? I don't think I could do it. I think I'd cower before him, even if he said "Do with me as you will." No, no. I'd probably have a nervous breakdown.

-sigh- I really need someone to talk to about this. OR someone to tell me what I think. I wish telepaths were more prominent in this world. I'm so confused.

Its like a pressure on my chest when I think about it. A heavy, pleasant, constricting, torturous feeling that I can't control. It makes me squirm and beg for relief. But none comes and I am stuck. I'm having dreams about it. Vivid dreams that I wake up sweaty and panting from. Wet all over with nothing but silence and the hot air of the room to keep me company. I suppose if anyone has any advice they should message me. It would be so wonderful to talk to someone like minded. Or at least set in their mind. Someone who actually knows what they want.

I'm surrounded by indecisive people and its rubbing off on me. Making me unsure of even what I want for breakfast. It's that intense. So I'm going to do definite things today and try to figure out if I could ever control someone else to do them for me. Or if I enjoy pretending that I am doing it for someone else's pleasure.

My favorite sub quote is something along the lines of "It takes a strong person to lead well, it takes a stronger person to abandon their needs and desires for the needs of another."

It makes me think. I want to give myself up completely to someone. I want to think of another person's wants, needs, dreams, goals, pleasures and fetishes before my own. I want to know someone so completely that I can correctly execute what they would want before they say it. On the flip side however, i would also love for someone to be willing to take the time to know me that well. There are none. And perhaps it is because I am closed off. Protective of everything that is a secret to me, that I cannot tell anyone. Maybe I am the most brilliant actress in that I even fool myself. i don't know who I am. And maybe It will take me a few decades to figure it out.

As certain as I seem, I am wholly uncertain.

TWMA.

Mercy