Every Once In A While..

Every once in a while, it comes down on me. Like a lead cloud. Without warning and without much coaxing it descends and mercilessly rips apart all the resolve and sense of duty I’ve built up to keep doing this. It’s a weird feeling. Like suddenly the entire universe turns its giant all-knowing, all-seeing eye on me and says “You’re wasting your life. Going down the wrong path. Quit now. It’s not worth it.”

But then, theres another part of me that says, what if it is worth it? What if I just stuck with a decision for longer than a few months? Would it kill me? And how will my mom be affected if I just dropped watching the boy for a year or two? To get the education every demands I have.

I think, through all their screaming and demanding and arguing and fighting, what the hell do you guys know that I don’t? How do you all seem to know whats good for me when half of you can’t even figure out whats good for yourselves? I mean really, what could you know that I don’t? Were you given a manual for this shit sometime when I was sleeping in until two?

That hardly seems fair. They should have sent mine in the mail. Or something. What am I supposed to do? I really wish life was more like Cowboy Bebop. At least then I could get the hell out of here. Own my own spaceship and zip around the cosmos for as long as I have gas in the tank. Think you need a license for one of those? Probably. In which case I’d be in the same transportation situation I’m in now.

Sucky is what that is. Maybe I should just cave and play by their rules. The ones they made up out of their asses. Why do I just have to follow what they say? Cause their older and presumably smarter than me? Because they’ve experienced completely different things than I have? No one has ever lived my life before, so how can they tell me what to do with it? Yeah, that sounds like a great plan.

I’ll just end up as lost and fucked up as everyone else. Then again, at least they don’t know they’re lost. They get to swim around in a pool of oblivious ignorance, thinking everything is okay with who and what they are and where they’re going in life. I get to be stuck here on the island afraid of swimming because I don’t want to get lost. Except I’ve lost myself in the trees and I can’t get out.

Whatever.

Wake me up. Wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark. Bid my blood to run, before I come undone. Save me from the nothing I’ve become.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret