New York: Day 23

Manhattan.

Today, I woke up and thought I was going to go to the Museum Of Sex, but I woke up very late and my aunt and I decided that we'd take my cousin and her friend to Manhattan.We took a much faster subway line this time, because my aunt doesn't like  fuckin around and taking the long way. This I respect her for.

When we got there, we located the rough location of the Sex museum. I'm not allowed to tell my cousin we're going there. For some reason, it isn't something she should know about. It scares me a little that they don't want to educate her about sex. Statistically, young black girls that aren't educated about this kind of stuff tend to get pregnant accidentally. Sooner than they like. I'm not saying that this is always the case, but it happens more often than not. Not just black girls either. It just troubles me.

Anyway, we wandered around and went to Payless to see if I could find some more cheap flats that don't bruise my feet. But they were all $16, so we gave up and left. We wandered the streets. It was awesome. We passed the Empire State Building. I took a picture while standing pretty much directly under it. It's fucking amazing. I took a lot of pictures of the architecture and the sheer mass of buildings. Hoping to convey how overwhelming it is. But I don't think that its possible in a picture.I wish it was though.

We ended up going to Toys R Us. It was fun. I bought the girls some Pop Rocks. And I bought myself a pair of headphones that I, personally, think are pretty fucking sweet.And other than the ASL Flashcards I bought at Barnes & Noble, and the clothes, I haven't bought anything for myself. Oh wait, the books. Nevermind. I didn't deserve the present. But I can't take it back. Oh well.

We wandered around some more. And I can't for the life of me remember what else we did. We spent a lot of time walking. Oh! We saw Elmo. I convinced my cousin to take a picture with him, and we didn't have to pay cause she lied and said it was her birthday.We also saw Snoop Dogg. But I didn't care, so I didn't get a picture. My cousin was really excited though so she ran over and talked to him for a second.

Oh! I also bought a picture from a street vendor. It's of New York. It's really cheap, and when my girlfriend sees it, she's going to be pissed. But I didn't buy it for me. I bought it for my Grandmother and I only paid $3 for it. No harm done.

I'm pretty sure that after that, we just went home. Rode the subway, dropped off my cousin's friend, and came back to the apartment. They all went to sleep pretty quickly. So now, I'm sitting here. Talking to you. I didn't get to meditate in the way I would have liked, but I did get some thinking done.

I found out that I really like 2Cellos. They're a....band? I found them through Pandora. Check them out.

Anyway, I'm done now. I think that having these occasional confession conversations with Sweetness is good. But we need to do it more often. I need to start trusting her emotionally.I think part of the reason that I still hold myself so distantly is because I don't know how emotionally invested she is in the relationship, really. I know that she needs me. But does she truly love me the way I love her? If so, why doesn't she trust me the same way? I know that she's probably a straight girl forced into a bisexual relationship out of desperation. And I can feel that energy. It makes me nervous. I don't want her to judge me for my likes and dislikes. I'm afraid of her. I don't know why. But I am. She has a mental hold on me like no other. And even when I really don't want to I kneel at her feet out of fear. I can't control it. It's just something that happens. My will buckles and I give in. I can't figure out why. I want to trust her, but I can't seem to. I can't seem to give her the same type of trust she's given me. And it might be partially because I don't think she enjoys me sexually. I don't want her to do things she doesn't enjoy doing. So if she feels hesitant, then I don't want her to do it. It doesn't make sense I know. I also have a hard time orgasming for her. I mean, truly orgasming. That mind blowing, fracturing feeling you get when you really cum, body and soul.  My body releases. Which should be good enough. But I've given myself that other feeling. And I want to be able to let go enough to let her give it to me when and if she chooses to. I don't know how to get over this road block either. But if I value this relationship, I'm going to have to.

Now I'm really done. Peace easy, my brothers & sisters.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: My aunt and I made a sex joke.She said "You weren't coming fast enough." (in reference to my cousin's friend not following us fast enough out of burger king) and I said "That's what he said, cause I guarantee she didn't say it." We both died laughing for a few minutes while my cousin and her friend looked on in curious confusion.