Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Something. Anything! Screaming. Motionless forever in what I can consider life. Falling forward, backward, down. into the darkest abyss. Darker than the one before. No light in this realm, only a vast blackness, a bone chilling cold. Who can rescue me from this pit? My lights are fading, becoming tainted or weak. Paling in comparison to the darkness as though they too have been consumed. Condemed to this place of evil I will scream. I will fight it. I can't give in becasue a greater power calls unto me. Telling me I must survive. But for what? What am I living for? What right now, can keep me going? Nothing. I'm nothing. With nothing. For nothing. The future only interests me in the slightest. What does it mean NOW? How can I use it NOW? Now is the time and place. If not now, when? At what point in time are you going to turn to me and say "I release you"? Or worse, when are you going to tell me "I love you."? Perhaps when its too late. When I've finally been able to single handedly pull myself out of this deepening hole. Then you'll tell me. Of course your argument might be, "Well it wasn't the right time." but NOW is? Yes. Now. Right this second. Take me or leave me. Without remorse or regret. Take me as I am, for all I offer, for all I am willing to sacrifice to defend you. Or leave me as I am. Finish shattering what you have already struck and allow me to finally fix what is broken. I can't glue it all together before it even splinters apart. I can only ignore the cracks in the glass for so long before I hire someone to repair them. Maybe it'll take that long for me to admit it to myself. That I don't know what I'm doing. But if so, it'll be in the NOW. Without so much as a thought about the future and its many dangers, leap with me. Take me down into this river of danger and wash me anew. If you cannot, let me fly into the arms of another, and leave you in the dust. Let me go! Vile beast of the past! Release me of your clawed and painful grasp and I will bear your scars forever. Claimed as yours, but apart from you. With out much stability. I am infantile. Without shelter or caring. Because I have not the experience. I will stand on wobbly legs of uncertainty for YEARS before I attempt to lean on you again. I have learned from these mistakes and I will pass them off. If you do not Take Me. But still I find you pass me by with no more than a glance. Unknowingly your hurtful words put me in a trance. "Didn't mean it. Doesn't know." a mantra I have learned. But how? How when I know so much? When I read you like a long loved book? Like a mother reads her child? Like a lover reads his love? How can I delude myself any further telling myself its fine its fine. When it's not? What can I say though? Really. What can I say that will show you what I've been doing in my head. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing even matters anymore. But wait. A bright light in my darkness. Something that will depend on me as much as I once depended on you. True. I see that it does not belong to me, it is not mine to keep. But this little ball of light is what I have been craving. What I have wanted since the beginning. I cannot allow myself to give into myself and bring one into the world now. Not when I have nothing to give. When I can make it no better than what I have been given. But trust, I will WORK. I will work harder than I have ever worked to make this change. I will see to it that nothing happens. I will be there every step of the way because I love it as though it were my own. I love it before I have touched or heard. I have not felt. But I have felt. In my heart of hearts the need for it burns. Burns scalding hot as though I will forever be encased in these flames until I can soothe them with song. With rocking. With cooing. With that first smile, or step. Those monumentous moments that will shine brighter in my life than anything. I love it like my own already. The thought of any harm coming unto this light brings tears to my eyes. I am plagued by dreams of my light being ripped from my grasp unexpectedly, never to be seen again. I am not certain I would survive that. Not in dream. Not in life. I would die. Wither into nothingness and float across the breeze. I would crumble into dust and be nothing more than dirt on your floor. Swept away, not a thought. Ghosting through life. If life were to continue in any sense. Perhaps, now. Now you understand the heaviness I place on this. Perhaps now you understand why I crave it more than anything. Why I watch, hawkishly over each appointment. Because though it is not mine, it is mine. My soul and breath. It is mine. Without this blessing I am lost. So I pray. I do. Something I haven't done since I was very young. And at the time I prayed for this same thing. "Let it be. Let it happen." Please, highest deity of this world and beyond. Give to me the blessing I cry for. Yearn for. Please. And atlast, I have been given this wish. I am not a scholar. I am a mother. I always have been. I always will be. Do not come to me and tell me I have to work at it. What comes naturally is natural. I can't deny myself that. I deny myself so much at your whim. I will allow myself to care for this child. And there is nothing, you or anyone else can do about it. I will fight for this child because my very soul depends on it. Not because I have been asked. Not because I have nothing better to do. But because I have nothing else I can do. I am creation. I am nothing if not that.
"For you, a thousand times over."
Over, and Over,
Sacred Secret
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