New York: Day 24

I woke up really early this morning, kinda.

I didn't go to sleep until five or something. Then I woke up at about nine. The little guest arrived. And she wanted to watch Yo Gabba Gabba! so I turned on the NetFlix for her and caught a few more minutes of sleep. Then I gave up, got online, blah blah blah.

Eventually, I got in the shower. Glorious. My aunt decided she wanted me to come with her to the doctors office. She was taking the little guest and wanted my help, so I went along. I had to go immediately upon getting out of the shower. So my hair is shit right now. I'll have to wet it again tomorrow, cause I'm sure as shit not doing it now. But then again, I might if I get really bored.

We went downtown, and wandered around for a while after the doctors appointment.There was a cute little Farmers Market going on, on of the booths was giving away free peaches as a promo. So we stopped by, bought a few, and went on our way. It was mostly window shopping. We went into a few stores, checked out clothes that are considered club wear out here. Surprisingly, they wear more clothes up here. Interesting...

We took the bus back. I checked my email and what not. Then decided to try and curl up for a nap, with my new headphones on. Apparently, if your ears are covered, that makes you soundproof and dead to the world. That means you can jump on said persons air mattress and not expect them to wake up. That means you can talk and watch television extremely loudly because that person is not deaf. -_- They were surprised I had woken up. Then they proceeded to argue, still quite loudly, about whose fault it was for my being woken.

I don't care who did it! It was a combined effort of complete inconsiderate-ness! You know me, I don't like to blame people for things. I mean, I am sleeping in their living room. And their house isn't exactly huge, so where else could they go? But come on! Just a little respect is all I ask! Don't flop down on the bed, sending me flying. Don't turn the television up a ridiculous amount. You're literally sitting right in front of it. I know you can hear. Don't throw garbage randomly onto the bed, causing it to bounce and hit me in the face. Its gross. Respect. I only ask for a little of it.

Anyway, I have no real reason to be upset. I'm just having a moment of frustration. Its not that big of a deal.

I had a really sexual dream this morning. And I might have cum in my sleep. O_o I don't know for sure though. I'm just glad that everyone is usually dead asleep at that time. I couldn't tell you what it was about now, I don't exactly remember. But it was pretty hot.

I'm still sleepy, but I'm too awake to go back to sleep, I think. Besides, I have to wait for Sweetness to open her present. :) I sent her a surprise gift.She just got it today, and decided to wait to open it until she got back to her parents place. As of right now, she hasn't opened it yet. But soon, I will get to hear her squeals of joy. I'm excited. I'm also, done writing to you!

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: Surprise gifts are my favorite. Even if they make me uncomfortable. I enjoy being doted on just as much as any other girl. My tastes are just different sometimes.

New York: Day 23

Manhattan.

Today, I woke up and thought I was going to go to the Museum Of Sex, but I woke up very late and my aunt and I decided that we'd take my cousin and her friend to Manhattan.We took a much faster subway line this time, because my aunt doesn't like  fuckin around and taking the long way. This I respect her for.

When we got there, we located the rough location of the Sex museum. I'm not allowed to tell my cousin we're going there. For some reason, it isn't something she should know about. It scares me a little that they don't want to educate her about sex. Statistically, young black girls that aren't educated about this kind of stuff tend to get pregnant accidentally. Sooner than they like. I'm not saying that this is always the case, but it happens more often than not. Not just black girls either. It just troubles me.

Anyway, we wandered around and went to Payless to see if I could find some more cheap flats that don't bruise my feet. But they were all $16, so we gave up and left. We wandered the streets. It was awesome. We passed the Empire State Building. I took a picture while standing pretty much directly under it. It's fucking amazing. I took a lot of pictures of the architecture and the sheer mass of buildings. Hoping to convey how overwhelming it is. But I don't think that its possible in a picture.I wish it was though.

We ended up going to Toys R Us. It was fun. I bought the girls some Pop Rocks. And I bought myself a pair of headphones that I, personally, think are pretty fucking sweet.And other than the ASL Flashcards I bought at Barnes & Noble, and the clothes, I haven't bought anything for myself. Oh wait, the books. Nevermind. I didn't deserve the present. But I can't take it back. Oh well.

We wandered around some more. And I can't for the life of me remember what else we did. We spent a lot of time walking. Oh! We saw Elmo. I convinced my cousin to take a picture with him, and we didn't have to pay cause she lied and said it was her birthday.We also saw Snoop Dogg. But I didn't care, so I didn't get a picture. My cousin was really excited though so she ran over and talked to him for a second.

Oh! I also bought a picture from a street vendor. It's of New York. It's really cheap, and when my girlfriend sees it, she's going to be pissed. But I didn't buy it for me. I bought it for my Grandmother and I only paid $3 for it. No harm done.

I'm pretty sure that after that, we just went home. Rode the subway, dropped off my cousin's friend, and came back to the apartment. They all went to sleep pretty quickly. So now, I'm sitting here. Talking to you. I didn't get to meditate in the way I would have liked, but I did get some thinking done.

I found out that I really like 2Cellos. They're a....band? I found them through Pandora. Check them out.

Anyway, I'm done now. I think that having these occasional confession conversations with Sweetness is good. But we need to do it more often. I need to start trusting her emotionally.I think part of the reason that I still hold myself so distantly is because I don't know how emotionally invested she is in the relationship, really. I know that she needs me. But does she truly love me the way I love her? If so, why doesn't she trust me the same way? I know that she's probably a straight girl forced into a bisexual relationship out of desperation. And I can feel that energy. It makes me nervous. I don't want her to judge me for my likes and dislikes. I'm afraid of her. I don't know why. But I am. She has a mental hold on me like no other. And even when I really don't want to I kneel at her feet out of fear. I can't control it. It's just something that happens. My will buckles and I give in. I can't figure out why. I want to trust her, but I can't seem to. I can't seem to give her the same type of trust she's given me. And it might be partially because I don't think she enjoys me sexually. I don't want her to do things she doesn't enjoy doing. So if she feels hesitant, then I don't want her to do it. It doesn't make sense I know. I also have a hard time orgasming for her. I mean, truly orgasming. That mind blowing, fracturing feeling you get when you really cum, body and soul.  My body releases. Which should be good enough. But I've given myself that other feeling. And I want to be able to let go enough to let her give it to me when and if she chooses to. I don't know how to get over this road block either. But if I value this relationship, I'm going to have to.

Now I'm really done. Peace easy, my brothers & sisters.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: My aunt and I made a sex joke.She said "You weren't coming fast enough." (in reference to my cousin's friend not following us fast enough out of burger king) and I said "That's what he said, cause I guarantee she didn't say it." We both died laughing for a few minutes while my cousin and her friend looked on in curious confusion.