If there is nothing at the end of this world, why do we work? If there is ultimately nothing that will bring us true happiness, then why do we strive? What is the point of pain and heartache? Growth, I believe. If you do not grow, you cannot experience new things from a different point of view. If you remain in the same view point, then your ignorance will define you. And ignorance makes you hopeless, whether knowledge brings you grim reality or not.I have been offered the opportunity to travel. It is a harder decision to make then most seem to understand. I am aware that embarking on this trip will force me to grow, and change. This prospect is exciting and unnerving. I want to go. I also, do not want to go. But it is very difficult to make up my mind when all the advice I am given is biased. I am learning, even now, that I must make this decision without the impacts of others thoughts. If I go, I will not return home as the same person, in the same frame of mind. However, I am also nervous that I will return to be exactly the same. I do not enjoy my current position. I am not...happy. This, I cannot explain because I do not know. I do not know why I am unhappy, or with what. But I am. Something in my heart aches. Something in my soul cries out but the voice is so lost and buried under the wants and needs of others that I cannot hear it. I only hear the voices of others. I have lost my own. If I leave, I hope to find the voice I have lost. But I am frightful that if I do find that voice, it may say something I am not willing to admit. Something I'm not ready for. But then, pain and struggle are the reasons for life, aren't they? If there is no change and no struggle, then there is no life. Humans must fight for happiness, because they are either too intelligent or too stupid to float aimlessly through their short lives. With summer quickly approaching, and my window of opportunity rapidly closing, I must come to a decision. If I am to go, I must tie my finals ends and begin preparations for my trip...however...there is one more thing...there is My Sweetness. I haven't told her any of this, and she may read it before I have the chance, but I wish she would be happy for me...I wish that she could understand that leaving her will be difficult for me. I can't even begin to describe the feeling that is lodged in my chest at the thought. This is why I haven't said anything. Because I cannot describe it. And I fear she may think I'm lying or have no true reason if I cannot explain.But I do have a reason, I do have one.I just can't say what it is. It may be because I'm afraid of who I will be when I return. What if she doesn't grow too? She will be the same, and I will be different. How can I help her to grow as well? Or is that something she must do on her own? I want to talk to her about my nervousness and my excitement. I want to be able to include her and plan with her and share these things. But she doesn't want me to. She has no desire to hear any of it. Because she is also afraid. I understand her fear, as I have stated. But...do we handle things so differently? I am unable to openly talk to her about so many things because I do not wish to make her uncomfortable or upset. She is fragile, like glass or porcelain. And it would pain me too greatly to pressure her into anything, to upset her, to cause her tears...to cause her true pain...I am afraid to leave and come back....only to find Sweetness to be the same sweet-faced beautiful girl I left behind, and for me to be the person that she used to know...I am so afraid...but I must find my voice again. I don't remember when I buried it, but lately I have been seeing things that make it cry out a little louder. High school, my diploma, my possible trips to France or Italy, my family, my old friends...these things are causing my inner voice, my buried, muted voice to rasp...but I cannot her what she has to say. I don't understand her. And that is a deep sin. To be so out of contact with oneself that they cannot even decipher their own thoughts? It is terrible. A tragedy. And I can no longer allow it to go on. I must decide. I must speak with Sweetness. But before I do any of that, I must question myself. I must be set in my decisions, before I receive any outside opinions. My mind is such a puzzle right now. I'm almost physically sick with the confusion. I wish I could step back and look at it all from an outside POV. But on the other hand, do I really want to do that? I'm finished for now...I'm going to retreat into my mind, perhaps. I might take a shower. But I also might sit here and play video games. I might do all three. Whatever I choose, I must stand by myself. If I can't, then I can hardly expect anyone else to.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
