New York: Day 16

Now, I'm tired.

This morning was highly uneventful, and I slept most of the day. I watched 1,000 Ways to Die with my aunt, while we waited for my cousin to get back. Around five pm, we started getting ready to go.

I got dressed, then me and my cousin walked down to the park to meet my aunt and my cousin's friend, Shakira. Her name isn't actually Shakira, its just easier than calling her 'the friend'. Anyway, after convincing my other aunt that she should come too, we hung out at the park until everyone was ready.

Then, we hit the subway.

We rode the A train, all the way from Brooklyn to 42nd street. The ride was uneventful and the stations are HOT. They do not air condition those places, so that you don't linger in there on hot days. In. Out. That's all. When we came up from the station, it literally stopped my breath.

New York is beautiful at night.

Granted, there were thousands of people streaming in and out of stores. Across streets, through buildings, out of cars. People everywhere, talking, laughing, shouting, singing. Then there were musicians, and cab drivers. Vendors, street performers, people trying to get their mixed CDs out, people tryin to sell tickets. It was gloriously busy and bustling. But the lights. It was so bright it almost felt like noon. It was as if you were in a huge building and they made the ceiling look like the sky. Everything was lit up. Everything! And everything was huge. I really had to strain my neck to see the tops of the buildings. Luckily, there's plenty of interesting things to look at on ground level.

For example, I saw:
Elmo
Batman
Cookie Monster
Mario
Luigi
Hello Kitty
Spiderman
Naked Cowboy
A Saxophone Player
A Drum Player with no hands

And those are just some of the people I saw. I went into The Sanrio store. There was soooo much cute stuff. I could have easily spent all my money in there. Bam! All gone. But I refrained and just bought one little thing for Sweetness. I hope she likes it! We also went to the Disney store (HUGE) and I bought Pooka a Cars shirt. It's really big, but they didn't have smaller sizes. He'll like it though, I'm not worried. Where else did we go? Hmm....OH! We went to M&M World. I didn't buy anything from there, but it smelled heavenly. I thought about buying a cute little teddy bear with a green sweater on, but I couldn't find a price. So I didn't.  After that, we headed home. Unfortunately, my camera died. But I took plenty of pictures to recount what I did. It was magnificent, and it only heightens my want to live out here someday. I loved it.

Friday, we're leaving here at 4am to get on the train (the subway) and we're going to Central Park to see Ne-Yo. It will be just me and my Aunt as far as I know. She's the only one who likes him as much as I do. That, and everyone else has plans, or thinks its too early. Nothing is too early for free concerts. Seriously! I was also thinking of buying tickets to see something on Broadway. I don't know if I have enough money. I'll check tonight though. Online of course.

Anyway, I've got to retire. My back is killing me and I'm sleepy for once. I'm glad I finally had something to write about today. It was fantastic and I can't wait for Friday.See you tomorrow, love.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: The Naked Cowboy wears underwear. And He's not very attractive. :( Also, Batman was black, cocky, and you had to pay him. So I did not get his picture. He was also dripping with sweat....ew.

New York: Day 15

Today, I went outside.

Normally, that wouldn't be such a big deal. But as of late, I haven't really done that. Haha, I just got back in the house, matter of fact. It was a very cool Seattle-like day today, so I went to the park with my cousin and her friend. We wandered around for a long time until dusk. Then we came back, met up with two more of my cousins, and walked down the block so I could meet some of their friends. No one out here believes that I'm twenty. And I take it in stride. Most of them think I'm between 14 and 17. They pretty much break their jaws on the concrete when they hear how old I actually am.

Anyway, we all went to a slightly bigger park at the opposite end of the block than the previously mentioned park (Kingston instead of Brower). This park has like ten basketball courts. So my male cousins and a few of their friends went to play basketball, while my female cousin and some of her friends went to play on the jungle gym. I was wearing a skirt, so I found a table between the two and took a seat. One of my cousin's friends joined me, and we were alone for about three minutes before they all came back over. It made me laugh. Like I can't handle myself. He's a sweet boy, but I told him I have a girlfriend. And unlike most boys he said "Good for you, that's cool." There was no weird swagger talk about how I need to look their way or how it doesn't matter to them. He was very polite, and he kept talking to me afterwards. We walked the others home and then me, my cousin went to the corner store to buy ice cream. A friendly stranger bought my cousins Popsicle, so I bought one for me and the friend. He said thank you like twenty times.  Which was also funny to me.

After that, we went back to Brower park, so my cousin could play the piano some more. My cousin met us out there, apparently sent out as a "chaperone", because my baby cousin isn't enough to guard me from a guy I just met. Haha, he's cute, I'll admit. He's also hilarious. But we just met, and I doubt we'll get very close in two and a half weeks. In any case, he wanted me to be his friend on Facebook. I said alright. We talked while my cousin played, and my other cousin tried to create his own record of "not blinking". When they were both finished, we walked home, parting ways somewhere between.

When we reached the apartment, my aunt was coming out and beckoned us to come with her to the pizza place on Fulton st. They have $1 slices and pretty cheap drinks. The four of us had a good time walking, and we sat on the step for a while upon returning.But eventually, we did come back upstairs, blow up the air mattress and almost everyone is asleep now.

It was a pretty fun day. And tomorrow, I'm going to Times Square to see the lights and breathe in the city. I have a weird feeling I'll be spending some money... :) not that I mind. On Friday, we're hopefully going back to Times Square at the butt crack of dawn to see Ne-Yo play for Good Morning America. Best part? It's fuckin FREE. Yeah. Hella awesome, right? I'll take so many pictures, it'll blow your mind.

Well, I'm done now. That's all that happened to me today. What happened to you?

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: We had pancakes this morning for breakfast, and I forgot to take a picture until my aunt was like "These aren't good enough to take a picture of?" So I laughed and took a picture of her plate cause I had already devoured mine.

New York: Day 14

Seems like just another day in the city.

I took some pictures of my food. But I'm not going to show them to you, instead I was going to show you an artistic picture of my foot. But I don't want to go through all the trouble to upload it. Nothing interesting happened today. I read for a long time, and I honestly can't wait to go to sleep. I just want to get past today and get to tomorrow. I don't know what it is about today that just makes me...bleh. Anyway, since I don't have anything to talk about, I'm gonna go.
Tootles.

TWMA,

SACRED SECRET

P.S: ......Werewolves.

New York: Day 13

I took a shower this morning.

Other than that, I did a lot of reading. And not much else. Except for figure out how to use Bump.

It's an app that lets you transfer things from one device to another with a simple tap. No cords. No profiles. Not subscription fee. Completely free. And Completely easy. I love it. It resulted in my being able to show you what I had for dinner.

This, is a "Beef Patty". It's basically ground hamburger smothered in cheese and then wrapped in something that looks like puff pastry. This package is then deep fried (the golden patty you see between the outer bread). The outer bread seems to be the consistency of pita bread. But it's grilled so its chewy and crunchy at the same time. Eaten by itself it has virtually no flavor. It is a very unusual dish. but it serves its purpose. It's highly portable, very filling, and pretty satisfying. As long as you don't think too much about all the frying and grease and trans fats dripping from this Hot Pocket burger. Ultimately, its probably horrible for you. But, it tastes fine.

After that unique experience, I tried to continue reading. But to no avail. I got online instead and helped Sweetness with her homework. I also bought her a present which she is not allowed to open until I return to her side. I hope it will create a lot of built up curiosity in her. Since she is known for her cat like need to know, I think it will be very interesting to see how she does. It will be in her sole possession for some time before she can open it. Heheheheh.
Anyway, sometime this week or next week, I should be able to get to the zoo of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. My chances of going to the Museum of Sex have dwindled down to "Very unlikely" but that's fine. The next time I come out here, I'll bring my girl, and we'll go together. Then we'll be able to try all the delicious aphrodisiac shots and truffles they offer.
I'm finished now. I'll see you all tomorrow.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: I sweat more at night than I do during the day. And I'm starting to have hot flashes. O_o this can't be normal.

New York: Day 12

Today, is boring.

Nothing really interesting happened.I went for a walk this morning with my cousin and the little guest.We went to the store to pay bills, and them we stopped by 7/11 and I bought them Slurpees. I got one too, of course.

I spent most of today inside, doing things on the computer or reading. My cousins were all outside.Doing various things, I'm sure.

The only interesting thing that happened was when the little guest's parents came over to drop off her sister.They inquired as to what I had done since my arrival, and I told them I hadn't done much. Not that I particularly mind. They looked at me in shock and disbelief. The man said, You're missing out! You've got to get out there!"

The woman said "Do you just sit in your house in Seattle?"
I told her, yes. Because its my city, I'm bored with it. There isn't much to do, so I don't mind sitting. I'm used to it.
She said "Is it because it rains so much out there?"
...No. It does rain a lot but that doesn't keep people-
"That's why the suicide rate is so high out there, isn't it?"
Uh...What?

The man interjects again, "You've got too go out there and get lost!"
No, thank you, I'd rather not.
"Well you have a smart phone don't you?"
Yes..but..
"You have Google maps?"
Of course, but I..
He gives me a really stupid look, "Well, the subway maps aren't hard to read. You seem smart you should be fine."
He then proceeds to tell me about how he walked all over the place his first day in New York and got completely lost and confused and somehow managed to find his way back.
Oh. Very interesting, I said.
"YOLO, you know."
I stare at him.
He shakes his head, "You only live once, jus' sayin'."
Obviously.
They continue to comment and blame my family for their various woes and why I'm not "enjoying myself".
Luckily they leave not long after.

I was confused, irritated, and questioning whether or not I should be offended. It was quite the experience. Now, while I wait for Sweetness to get home so she can charge her phone, I'm going to take a shower. Tootles.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: Fans just cool your sweat. Which makes you sticky. Which makes dirt cling to you. FYI. -__-

New York: Day 11

A thunder storm woke me up at 9am.

At first, I was completely confused and disoriented. I sat straight up in my bed and looked around. Thunder rolled overhead, lightening flashed in the sky. I glanced outside and couldn't help but grin. Today, would be a good day.

I didn't really eat anything this morning. I waited until about one to have a bowl of cereal. The little guest is here again, she was wearing an adorable little ruffled dress with Hawaiian flowers all over it. She makes me miss my Pooka so much! She's asleep right now, on my bed. They'll move her eventually, so I'm not worried.

I read until I got stir crazy. I went downstairs and my cousin and the little guest followed me and we went to the park. There's a pop-up piano in the park, and a little water play area. My cousin really seems to enjoy playing the piano, so I didn't mind walking down there to listen to her play. Her favorite is "In The End" by Linkin Park. She only knows the beginning, and she can't read music so she can't learn the rest. I sincerely hope that she continues to nurture her love of music. It would sadden me greatly is she cast it aside.

We wandered around for a while before the little guest got tired. So we made our way back home and I took a nap. I don't know if she took a nap too, but when I woke up, I assumed that she did.

This is the part of the recap that irritates me the most. Beware my possible use of foul language. Anyway, I was sitting here, minding my own business when my aunt looks over and says "Your scalp needs to be greased." So, she begins greasing my head. Not that I usually mind, but I wasn't really given a choice which annoyed me. She then proceeds to critique how I take care of my hair. Saying "You need to grease it twice a week." "Your head is dry" "You gotta realize that you have black hair."

Excuse me? I have to "realize"? I'm twenty years old. I've been taking care of my hair by myself for a long time. I know what it does. I know that it needs grease. But I can't grease it myself, for one thing, for another thing, no matter how much grease I put on it it will always be dry. I have dandruff. It runs in the WHITE SIDE of my family. I think you need to realize that I am half white. My hair may look like yours but it is dramatically different. Don't tell me what to do with my hair. I appreciate your input but please, shove it. 

Another thing that pisses me off. This "tough love" bullshit. One of my aunts is very blunt and impatient. She doesn't suffer fools. But a child? A two year old little girl? I don't understand why they want to treat a child of two like an adult. Children do not have the capacity for higher thoughts like we do. Their minds are still developing. When you yell at a young child, that child automatically begins to blame themselves for your anger. Whatever is wrong with you is their fault. They can't conceptualize everyday problems and they have very short term memories. Much like dogs, they won't remember what they did for very long after they do it.

Screaming at them will not bring back their memories. And I will always, be firmly against violence as a "discipline". I understand smacking their hand. I understand a firm grasp on their arm or shoulder to get their attention. But shaking? Spanking? Threats to beat them? That I don't understand. Now, I don't want you to think that I have recently witnessed any of these things, I'm just telling you what I think is wrong. Opinion. Not fact. It's just what I think.
It irritates me to no end. But I feel like I'm in Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty. A higher slave that doesn't get yelled at but is in no position to change the fates of others. I can only help myself by keeping myself out of trouble. I can advise the others gently, but ultimately it is their decision. Ultimately, it is their choice. Anyway, I don't like it. But they aren't my kids. I have no say in what happens to them or how they are treated. But my heart breaks...it breaks.

Later, we went on another walk, in the rain, to get dinner. Just my dinner I guess, which I didn't have to pay for. So that's cool. The cheesecake was pretty good. Sweeter than sin, but good. I liked the little candy pieces sprinkled on top.

As we walked back, the thunder and lightning came back. The lightning lit up the sky like the day! It exploded across the darkened sky and split into hundreds of bright white sparks. Moments later, thunder roared. It silenced the world as if the gods were having a shouting match and they wanted us to know. The rain came down on us gently, despite the fight happening in the sky. It seemed to be apologizing. I smiled into the night, as my family looked at me questioningly. None of them understand my love for the rain. My youngest cousin asked me a million questions about Seattle and its weather patterns. She asked me if I owned an umbrella. I said yes, but I never use it.  She was extremely confused about this. I could only laugh.

Now I'm sitting here, while they watch TV, I'll probably go back to reading pretty soon. I love you guys! Sweetness! Mom! Pooka! Nightmare! I miss all of you guys so much! And I can't wait to see you! :) Love you!

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: My back is going to be sincerely messed up when I get back due to this damn bed lol

New York: Day 10

This is going to be as brief as I can make it.

I neglected sleeping again last night. I don't know why, but tonight I plan on sleeping, even though its already three am. In any case, I'll tell you what I did.

I went to the deli with my eldest cousin, he bought me a sandwhich. Which was really a bagel. It had an omelete, cheese, and four hot links jammed inside. It was good, but very filling so I didn't eat all of it. I gave the other half to my other cousin. This i got yelled at for, the reason is unbeknownst to me.

After that, I took a nap, and did some reading. I have not written today, and I don't think I will. Tomorrow though I might.

I tried calling my grandmother, but she didn't pick up. I had a pleasant conversation with my Mother, and Sweetness, and Pooka though. I watched TV for a little while. I stole some pizza from my cousin.And then I was coerced into taking a walk with my Aunt and my youngest cousin. It was fun, until cramps doubled me over. I hid the pain as much as I could, and when we got back to the apartment I popped two ibuprofen and laid down. I feel fine, now.

My youngest cousin battered me with more questions that I evaded, dodged, and turned back on her. Then she fell asleep on my bed. I told her to get in her own bed and she sleepily complied. I'm sore for no reason. I hope that tomorrow and can get out and stretch my limbs. The walk earlier was nice. I think I'll go down the the corner store and buy myself some sunflower seeds. I haven't had any since I got here.

I'm tired now, so I'm off. I love you all, and I'll appear again tomorrow.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: I fear, the change is truly starting...but I'm hoping its just my period making me so curt...

New York: Day 9

I'm starting to lose track of my days.

I'm so proud of my Sweetness. I always feel this need to coddle her because of how fragile she tends to be, but these past few days she has grown tremendously. And even though she doesn't see it, I do. I can tell that her ways of thinking are beginning to change. This trip may benefit her more than it benefits me. She is discovering how independent she really is. She's figuring out how much she does, and how to deal with it. Of course, her solutions may not come to her quickly, but they will. She'll figure it out. I couldn't be happier for her.

In other news, I took out my hair today. It was in braids for those of you that don't know. I got so annoyed because my aunts kept telling me "You're gonna cut your hair!" cause I cut the ends of the braids. They're extensions. Like, ten inches of that hair isn't mine. @_@ I've taken them out a million times, I think I know how. Then they were commenting on the technique Sweetness used. I promptly told them that I think Sweetness did a wonderful job, despite it being her first time, and that she did it to the best of her ability which is enough.

That shut them up for the most part.

After that, I got in the shower, washed my hair and let it air dry. Which was also weird to them. They kept asking why I wasn't going to blow dry it. Seriously, it took all my submissive instinct not to look at them like they went full retard. (Never go full retard!)Do you know how hot it is in here? Do you know how hot blow drying makes you? There's no way in hell I'm gonna blow dry my hair in this hot ass apartment when I can just sit in front of the weak AC and dry it. Honestly! People from New York.

I was also schooled in how to make Ramen! ....this was an interesting experience. They "boil" their ramen in a pan. Yup, a pan. They add just enough water to reach the middle of the noodle block and they let it simmer and flip it over. Then, when it's almost done they add cheese, and the salt packet. This creates "gravy" which they dump into a bowl and consume. Also, a tidbit you should know, they put their sliced cheese in the freezer. Interesting, right?

After that lovely lesson, my school day ended. My cousin proceeded to continue to try and fish for answers about my religious views (not giving those up) and learn more about my personal life. Usually, I don't mind. But the...I hate to say that they're close-minded, but its the only word I can think of. Anyway, the close-mindedness of this house concerns me. If I tell her, I might have to endure a long lecture of why my views are "wrong" and I also don't want to "impose" my ideals and beliefs on a child. Granted, she is eleven. But they shelter her too much. All of these children are sheltered. None of them read, they all find school very boring (which I did too, but I didn't lose interest in elementary school!) and they know very little about the outside world. God forbid any of these children get exposed to actual sex.

Speaking of, watching Law & Order SVU is not a good thing to do with your sheltered child if you aren't going to explain to the child what is happening or what certain words mean because YOU are embarrassed. If you are too sensitive to speak about what is happening, then you shouldn't watch it with your curious child around. Sorry if my opinion is offensive, but this is my free internet space to do with what I wish. And I wish to speak my thoughts. I mean, really? You can't enlighten your child about what "semen" is? Or "labia"? Technical, non-vulgar terms for parts of their anatomy! Parts of their bodies that are theirs to claim and embrace for part of who they are!

I'm sorry. I'm on a rant. And I am aware that not everyone feels the same way I do about educating our youth, but I want you to know that it is extremely difficult for me to hold my tongue.

On another note, I started reading Acheron again for the, what is this? The third time? I don't think I'll ever truly lose interest in this book. It's just wonderful, despite all of the bad reviews about it from so called "loyal" readers. I firmly believe that anyone who takes the time and effort to write a novel should be acknowledged for their hard work. Even if it isn't "good" writing, its still someone's imagination being let off into the world. That's a scary thing. And I am proud of the people that do it.

I'm done for tonight. I don't want to rant anymore. I have to try and finish my third version of my Sexy Short. Haha.Good-night, dears.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: My cousin only knows one line from one Linkin Park song, and she sings it over and over and over and over and over and over and....you get the point. ;)

New York: Day 8

Today I'm listening to Rent.

I finished writing the second version of the scene I started yesterday/this morning. Which was a lovely accomplishment, if I do say so myself. Since I haven't written anything in a long time. I'd tell you what its about but it makes me blush just thinking about it. And I still have to write it two more times. Once as a different point of view and the other as a (revised) dual point of view thing. That's what I'll try to work on tonight. But if I can't stop listening to sad music then it'll never happen. I gotta listen to sexy things to work on thie particular project. Hey hey hey.

It was humid today. It didn't help that they cooked and that stove produces a LOT of heat. Crazy. So I'm sitting here in my new shorts, typing, listening to Rent. I think it's by far my favorite musical. It might be my favorite movie. I can't help but smile and sing along when ever I hear it. And I'll Cover You the reprise always, ALWAYS brings tears to my eyes. It's just so damn sad! I found out you can watch the whole movie on YouTube.Aww Yeah!

But otherwise, nothing important happened. I didn't go outside....OH! I finally finished that book! Shit that took forever. Stephen King really makes you work for it in that one, boy. Let me tell you! Wizard and Glass man.

LOL I have to tell you about this song "Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy" its fucking hilarious and I love it. If you haven't heard it LOOK IT UP. This is not advice. This is an ORDER. Listen to the song and prepare to understand what it is to be a woman. Ahaha. The AMVs for this song are fucking awesome (not all of them of course, but quite a few)

Anyway, I'm going to go back to writing on my shorty short story/scene. Tootles, bitches!

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: Here, I'll be nice and even give you the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnFBt2nuogg  now GO!

New York: Day 7

Alright, so today was just a uneventful as yesterday. But as I sit here, writing this in the morning dawn of a new day I look back on yesterday with a different point of view.

I spent the day watching television (mostly stand up comedy) with my cousins. My aunts eventually left and went for walks or whatever was their fancy. I stayed home, though I was invited, and I wrote. Something I haven't been able to do in a horrifically long time. And not because I didn't want to. But because I simply couldn't.

I blame the writing for the reason that I'm not even sort of tired or interested in sleeping right now. I want to keep writing and exercising my mind. And I just might. Even though I told Sweetness I would try to get some sleep. I am far too awake to lay down.

My aunt cooked today, she made rice and beans. The rice is never fully done, so it has that soft crunch like al dente noodles. I love it. The meal was amazingly simple and deliciously satisfying. I can't believe it. I finished off my Kiwi Strawberry Snapple. I started the Sweet Tea one. They are very big, which is why I'm telling you. It isn't of any importance of course, just something that I noted and decided to tell you of.

Now I'm thinking about what I want for breakfast.Maybe I'll finally have some of that oatmeal I bought. The only problem with that is heating the water. I have to make sure I do it at a time when it doesn't disturb anyone because they have a teapot. A teapot! It's silver, metal, with a round black handle. It looks well loved. Tomorrow marks the beginning of my second week here. My family, my Sweetness, has survived without me for a whole week.

Earlier, Sweetness brought up a point. She said that I don't seem to miss her as much as I did when I was in Mt. Vernon for a few days. And she's right. I don't. But I think it is because missing someone is a very physically draining and stressful thing. As you all know, I tend to avoid stressful things, usually not on purpose. So I think about that amount of stress inflicted on me for an entire month and realize, I miss her the same amount. I am just not thinking about it as much because my body has put it on the back burner. It would take so much out of me to miss her to that caliber constantly for a whole month. A few days is different. A few days with nothing to do but stand around and think of her. It's just different my love.

Today, I think I might run down to the store and buy some more toilet paper. Just to contribute. I use it too, after all. And since I'm the only one in the house who could start their period at any moment, it seems like it should be at least partially my responsibility. Don't you?

I'm adapting quite well to living out of a suit case. And everyone around me is becoming far more comfortable with my presence. My cousin seems to be a lot less obsessed with me now. It would seem that she figured out that I'll be here for a while. No need to pile on all the annoyance at once! ;)

In any case, I have to remember tomorrow (or should I say today?) to call my mother and my grandmother.I have no desire whatsoever to call my grandmother, but everyone keeps telling me "it's the polite thing to do!" And I am ever striving to be polite....unfortunately.

I finished a book called "A Little Princess". I forget the author, but its a beautiful little story. I will give you no details. It's free to download on your smart phone. If you want to know what it's about, then read it. You will get nothing from me.

I think I'll go now and try to scavenge something light and quiet to eat until later.Do have a wonderful day, my loves.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: "It's too cold outside for angels to fly."

New York: Day 6

Last night, I didn't go to sleep until seven in the morning.

After that, I fell asleep until about twelve. Throughout today I've been cat-napping. It was rather uneventful.I'm almost done with my book. As always I'm excited and a little depressed about this prospect. Though I have been reading this book for quite some time , I am always excited to see the end of every story. This book, was admittedly hard to get through. I am almost disappointed in myself that it took me so long to get through it. But, life does that to you. Anway, back to the point.

I experienced a quaint little "restaurant" called Island Salad. It's basically Subway, for salads. It was very cute. And the food wasn't bad. The way the do service is very confusing though, and it could be improved. Other than that though, it is a good little place, that I would visit again if not for the food being slightly more pricey than I would prefer. Oh well though.

My other activities were few and far between.I don't really have much to say.Which is unfortunate because I know my Sweetness reads this, expecting something fun or insightful. But I'm having a hard time today. Especially since a few of my family members are sitting in the living room watching TV. Maybe if I really concentrate I can focus on my thoughts.

Earlier today, my creative spark has begun to flicker into life. I'm so anxious, but I don't want to kill it before it takes its first breath so I am waiting patiently for it to grow. Maybe a little later, when I am done with this, I'll scribble something down. Something racy...something I don't usually touch on. I don't know what it will be though, so...MYSTERIOUS!

I'm excited for next week. We're going to start doing things. Visiting places and I'm going to really walk! This is another thing I'm excited about. Unfortunately, I am still very stingy with my money. I don't want to spend any of it. I want to save it all until I get home and then I can help my Sweetness with whatever she needs. I know she specifically told me not to think about it, but I can't help it.I have real-life problems in my mind that I need to tuck away until my journey is complete. But it's not working for some reason.

I apologize if this post is turning out to be repetitive. But my mind is spinning in circles and I am having the most difficult time concentrating. It's ridiculous. This, is why I don't allow myself to watch excessive amounts of television! Some people just can't handle it's mind-numbing effects and I firmly believe that I am one of them. My goodness. I'm going to retire this post then. I apologize again. Maybe later this evening I will have something more...intelligent to say.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

P.S: My playlist (yesterday's post) is getting quite the work out. What are you listening to?

New York: Day 5

Today was easy.

I didn't do much. I slept, and tried to read. I didn't get very far. I had some noodles and entertained out little guest because it was raining and they don't go out in the rain. I do. They don't. Anyway, Later, my aunt decided that I was going to a formal birthday party with her at a restaurant called Gargiulo's. A fancy restaurant that apparently serves calamari and veal. Because my aunt paid $70 dollars for her invite, she said she was going whether she felt like it or not. Her friend, on the other hand, decided that because it was raining and she wanted to keep her weave nice, that I could have her invite and go in her place. Awesome. It was a long drive, since the restaurant is in Coney Island. The houses down there are beautiful. The architecture is wonderful enough to make ME want to study it. Seriously. Its phenomenal. The restaurant itself was also beautiful. Free valet parking! The had a gazebo in the back. Exquisite marble bathrooms and a chandelier. The food was also excellent and the wait staff was cute :) Haha. Anyway. I had some four cheese tortellini, calamari and bread. After that they served coffee with the cake. I can't put my finger on what the filling was but it was amazing. Light and fragrant, a little spicy like cloves or something. With mini chocolate chips whipped in. The cake itself was soft and moist. And oh sweet lord the frosting! It was light and airy, melt in your mouth with just a touch of sugar. I ate all of it. And I usually only sample the frosting. I was also lucky enough to get a candy flower along with my slice. (I ate that too! Yum.) My coffee went along perfectly alongside it. Milk only, no sugar. Surprise! Haha the coffee was bold and full of its own flavors. It was dark and richly scented. But I don't know anything about coffee. So, meh. Take my critique with a grain of salt. The guests were all lovely, and though i felt under dressed and I wasn't actually invited I was welcomed warmly. The birthday girl celebrated her 70th birthday. Decked out in a red dress with a sheer train. Bold enough for a sixteen year old but modestly appropriate for someone of her age and dignity. Her diamond and ruby earrings are what caught my attention (BEAUTIFUL!) and I admit, I hugged her to get a closer look at them. But she was a lovely, gracious, and perfectly companionable old woman from first impression. Apparently she is also a little famous. She is the lead (?) singer in an early seventies band called "The Cookies". I guess they were big in their day. As we entered, she and her band mates were on stage singing away like they were still in their twenties. And I hope that I am that confident in my old age. The dining area was also lovely, and the music selection (for the age group) I found to be extremely amusing. They did play Wobble Wobble, after all. I couldn't help but laugh. At the table we sat at, our neighbor was a very plump man with an infectious humor. I became comfortable in his company instantly. His name is Brother Freddie, I have been told. He attends the same church as the birthday girl, and my aunt. Quite the most comical gentleman.

Upon our trip home, we took pictures of some other excellent look restaurants, and talked about going to visit The Met, Prospect Park, Coney Island amusement park & aquarium, and the Bronx zoo. Out of all of these things, I don't particularly care if we do anything. I have come here to create memories or myself, and discover my inner being. I have found out that I am extremely introverted and shy. I'm also very submissive in public.I look down a lot, keep my hands clasped in front of me, I say very little. It's an interesting change. And even as I told myself "This isn't how you are, what are you doing? Get up! Dance! Be a dork!" I just couldn't.  And I didn't really want to. So maybe, I am both of these things naturally? I presume that would be why. I haven't been to that many parties for this trait to be influenced into me. I'll think about this more later.

Now here I sit, listening to music for the first time in days. And I am content. Truly content here where I am. I can feel the ease of my mind and I am in touch with my body in a way that I had fallen out of. I can feel my heart beating in my chest, the strain of my spine, the ache in my arms and fingers, the brush of my eyelashes against my eyelids. I had forgotten how to listen to my body this way. But it's coming back to me and I enjoy the feeling. As a final note, I'll give the list of songs I'm listening to.

Drops of Jupiter - Train
The A Team - Ed Sheeran
Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down
Far Away - Nickleback
Savin' Me - Nickleback
Born This Way - Lady Gaga
Somewhere Only We Know - Keane
Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
Hold On - Good Charlotte
You and Me - Lifehouse

That's it I think. Goodnight, my loves. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

P.S: Can you believe that it's day five already?

New York: Day 4

I didn't go to sleep until five last night.

Today was sort of hectic in a smooth kind of way. If that makes any sense. I didn't really do much reading. But it was so cool that I finally got to wear pants. (my favorites actually) It was wonderful. I had decided I was going to go outside, when my phone decided to have a seizure. That lasted four hours. After a thorough panic session and some consulting, I dragged both of my aunts, my youngest cousin, and our little guest (she's two, three in may.) down to the Sprint store. Where I waited for another two hours (they kept skipping my name for some reason) for the to do a hard reset on my phone, erasing everything. The hard reset? It took ten minutes. Yeah. Oh! And it was also free. Except for I paid in two hours and ten minutes of my life. Anyway! After getting my phone fixed, my aunt and our little guest decided we'd walk back home. (the store wasn't far) And on the way back I bought some much needed head scarves. And I Bought some video games. Fable 2 and Fable 3. I had them once before, but I sold them...for a silly reason. Now I have them back, and tomorrow I hope to be able to hunt down Mortal Kombat. Which out here is $22 and in WA its still $45 for some stupid reason. Yes, the pre-owned one. Crazy, I know. Well, when we finally returned home I chowed down a Velveeta noodle cup and watched Law & Order SVU with my family until they decided to go to bed. After that, I was on the phone with my Sweetness until I convinced her to go to bed. And now. I'm sitting here, journaling my day. So today, overall, wasn't so bad. I let my emotions get control of me earlier. I regret that. I don't like being so dependent on my phone. I understand that because I am in a new place, far from my home, I need something to connect me. But that isn't the only reason. I can also use it for GPS, which in the described setting, is very handy.

I haven't started my period yet. Which is weird, but probably due to all the stress of moving around.I know that you all didn't need to know that, but I told you anyway. Ha!

As the days pass, it is getting easier and easier for me to loosen up and ease my mind into a state of relaxation. However, I have noticed that the exact opposite is true for Sweetness. I can't help but wonder why that is. Of course, there are multiple reasons. But I just can't seem to figure out why. I keep turning it over and  over in my mind. What can I do to help? How can I make this easier for her? What can I say to make her see? Nothing ever comes up though. Only the things I've already said. Just things I've already done. And it saddens me to not be able to help aid her in her journey.

Although, a realization occurred just now. Maybe I can't. I cannot help her and that is why we are failing to figure out how to do it. She must do it on her own without me. If I help her, then she will continue to be dependent on me for her answers. I must teach her, by not teaching her, to look to herself and her resources for answers. This...is an extremely difficult lesson. And I'm not sure I will be able to teach it. Also, it could be that I am incorrect. I am very sleepy so it could be nonsensical rambling.

In other news, I went to Fulton Mall. It's not small, but its not huge. There's a Marshalls, Target, Victoria's Secret, Children's Place, Gap, yada yada yada. The same stuff you find in regular malls. I snapped a few pictures, but not many. I'm not a very good tourist photographer, and the only thing that keeps me clicking is "How am I going to explain this to Sweetness?" If I can't think of a way to describe it accurately, I take a picture. So they are few and far between. Though I will admit that some of them are very random with little purpose.

My back hurts...and I and sleepy. Hopefully I will be able to post something more relevant tomorrow. My apologies.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: Research Ageplay if you get the chance. I, personally, find it to be quite fascinating.

New York: Day 3

Today is the first day I've felt semi-normal. I took a walk down the block during the rain storm (so refreshing!) and snapped some pictures.It was delightful, and I felt very...new. Everything is new. I'm still getting used to this place, of course, but I'm settling in. It is very difficult to live out of a suitcase though.

Most of today, I read, and watched my cousins play video games.Because of the thunderstorm, no one really went out. Except me. I accidentally got to walk with my eldest cousin when he came back from work. Because I was already outside and caught him coming up the street.He inquired about my weird need to be in the rain. Simply, its comforting.

Later, about an hour and a half ago, my aunt, forgetting about my computer, turned off the internet. So we went for a walk. Which turned out to be a pleasant event. I learned a lot. Like the New York terminology for buildings and "supermarkets". It was an interesting experience. We also grabbed some cheap pizza (which tasted pretty good, but my slice was burnt). They are really generous with the slices! They're HUGE. Which is wonderful. Tomorrow, I think I'll walk a little farther. I guess we are going to have a little guest tomorrow. I'm getting mixed messages about her behavior. So...that will be interesting.

Tonight, my youngest cousin is sleeping in her own bed. So I should be able to get some sleep. Ha! I took the funniest picture of her last night. But I can't upload it. It went something like this though.

Cousin, sleeping in the CENTER of the mattress. Me standing above her disdainfully. Then! An idea.

-Pokemon battle music-

A Wild Snorlax appeared!
Mercy sent out CAMERA PHONE
CAMERA PHONE used FLASH!
It wasn't very effective...
CAMERA PHONE! Come back! 
Mercy sent out AUTHORITY!
The wild SNORLAX used SNORE!
It wasn't very effective...
AUTHORITY used SHOVE!
It was super effective!
The Wild SNORLAX fainted!

Hahaha! Do you see how funny that situation could have been?? My cousin being the Snorlax of course. Ahh...it was hilarious.I haven't tried actually writing yet. And I think that might be because there's so much to see and do and people to talk to. I can't concentrate on any writing but this. Since it's just a scribbling of my thoughts, it isn't hard. Plus, I do it when everyone else is asleep. :) Clever me, I know.

Anyway, despite actually doing stuff today, I don't have much to talk about. It seems like my mind is trying to rewire its self so it's hard to think about things for very long. I told my mom I would call her tomorrow. I Voxed her and Pooka earlier. He was very excited to hear my voice.

I think its harder for the people you leave behind. I'm distracted from missing them as much as they miss me because of all the new stuff I'm surrounded by.But they are in their regular lives doing the same things they usually do, just without me. So they notice my absence a lot more. I know that I'm away from them, and I feel that missing space. But it's so fleeting in my mind. Like, look! It's already day three! I know its going faster to me than it is to them. It helps that I'm ahead by three hours. But still. I have faith that they'll be alright.
Sweetness, I hope you do just as much growing, in your own way, that I do.

 I have trust in you.

Well, I'm gonna go do something else now. I love you all. Goodnight.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

P.S.: In New York, when some one checks you out, you say "he was sayin hi to you."

New York: Day 2

So far, so good.

I "woke up" this morning at around 7:30am. I put those words in quotations because this air mattress that I'm sleeping on is not the most comfortable thing in the world. So I tossed and turned. And tossed some more. I'm sure you can figure out that I didn't get much sleep. But that's fine. I had the chance to listen to the apartment and get familiar with the noises that go on at night. I enjoy listening to the rumble of the subway outside the window. It's comforting somehow. Anyway, when I woke up, my cousin was wide-eyed and bushy tailed right beside me. The apartment essentially deserted except for the two of us and my aunts. All the boys had gotten up and left.

She insisted we play video games. So first, we played a bunch of mini-games on Super Mario Bros. She won. Every time. Which seemed to make her happy, so I didn't much mind. Then, we ate cereal. I must tell you that almost immediately after taking the milk out of the fridge it got warm. Not intolerably warm, just warmer than one would prefer their milk to be at 8am. Upon finishing our cereal, my cousin decided that we just HAD to watch videos on YouTube.Watching videos on YouTube with an eleven-year-old girl is...highly un-entertaining. But, she was having fun. All the while, I was trying whole-heartedly to read my book. This, baffles them to no end. They just can't seem to understand why I would prefer reading than watching TV of movies on Netflix. They just don't get it. To her credit, she did try to read with me, for about....ten minutes. Then she deemed it a boring activity and went back to watching videos. She insisted that I watch the Single Ladies music video backwards because it has a "satanic" message that was put in there by the "Illuminati".

First of all, the actual definition of "Illuminati"
capitalized : any of various groups claiming special religious enlightenment

2

: persons who are or who claim to be unusually enlightened 

(Websters.com)

 

My cousin seems to think that it is a conspiracy cult that orchestrated the 9/11 bombings, the Economy, and other weird bat-shit crazy ideas. I tried to tell her, but she's eleven. So...

 

Anyway, eventually she did leave me alone to read my book in relative peace.  The boys swept in and out of the house periodically, but eventually they all retired to what I've deemed "the boy room" and played Xbox. the youngest of the boys sat in the living room and played Call of Duty 3 and Assassin's Creed on the PS3. He's an alright player. 

I got pretty far in my book. I didn't go outside, and I might not tomorrow. But I must. I have fully charged my camera and thusly, I am ready to take pictures. My Aunts are dismayed that I want to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. But I've always wanted to go, and last time I was out here The kids were too young. It never would have kept their interest. Now though, they don't even have to go. I haven't gathered up the balls to ask about the Museum of Sex, but after tonight, I just might.

My aunt told me about her latest boyfriend and his sizable...manhood. I was first startled that she would even think to talk to me about something like that. Me! One of the kids! But it didn't take very long for me to remember that I'm a grown woman in their eyes now. And they can talk to me about whatever they please. Which I still find slightly startling and...endearing. I feel more respected now. As an individual. Which is good. That's what I came for. 

My lesson: Don't be afraid to be yourself. Others will respect you more for it.

Now, at 1:05am, everyone is pretty much asleep, or retired to their rooms. My cousin is passed out on the bed next to me. I still can't fathom why she would want to sleep on this air mattress when she had a perfectly comfortable bed just a few steps away.

One other thing. So far, my eldest cousin and my youngest cousin are the only two who know about my sexual identity. Now of course, they asked, and I am not shy to tell. I am confident in myself in that area. MY youngest cousin, though disbelieving and confused, was far more accepting and tolerable than my eldest. He was surprisingly harsh and critical. To the point that I might have been offended if I wasn't so passive.He told me he planned to "change that", and how it "ain't right for no woman to look at no woman." Personally, I don't see how one can be so very close-minded. And if one does insist on being that way, then they should keep it to themselves. I didn't tell him he had to be bisexual, only that I was, and that I was in a committed relationship with a woman.Fortunately, I have already come out to the family members and friends whose critiques I would be harmed by. So, I am virtually unaffected by his rudeness. However unintended it may or may not have been. 

Well, I think that's all. Tomorrow, I'll try to snap some pictures of my surroundings. I can't say if I'll post them or not, but maybe. If I'm not tired. Ha ha ha! Me. Tired. That's rich.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S.: I miss my Sweetness SO terribly.

New York: Day 1

I arrived in New York at 3:25pm (eastern time) on July 16, 2012.

The weather is wonderful. It's hot, and the wind is warm. The humidity is dry though. Not that moist crap that Seattle has had lately. My Aunt and my two cousins (the youngest and the eldest) picked me up from the impossibly big JFK International Airport. The traffic wasn't horrible, it didn't take very long to get back to Brooklyn. We stopped at the grocery store (FoodTown) and picked up some foodstuffs. I purchased mostly snacks and spent $55.00. I did buy a lot of easy to make things like oatmeal, ramen noodles, and boil-in-bag pasta. It was all relatively cheap. The twelve mile drive, straight through wouldn't have taken longer than half an hour. But because of our stops, it was about two hours until we arrived at the petite apartment. (I'll take pictures and post them later) the outside of the complex is unassuming. the gate is a fading green, the porch steps are short and sweet. The apartment is on the second floor, and the quarters are tight.

But my family is accommodating and friendly. They bombarded me with questions and we chatted happily for quite some time. FoodTown is a straight walk down the street, no turns or anything. And my bank is within equal reach. There is a "corner store" (the equivalent of a 7/11 or AmPm without the gas pumps) in the opposite direction. So, if you were to come out of the apartment and face the street, FoodTown, the laundry mat, my bank, and a small park would be to your right. To your left, is a corner store. I haven't really explored the left side of the street yet, but maybe I will tomorrow. It's supposed to be 95 degrees tomorrow according to the news. But it could also be lower. We're expecting thunderstorms sporadically throughout the week. Ha, I guess I've arrived right before a heat wave. After this Wednesday its supposed to drop back down into the eighties. Like that's cool, or something.

At the moment, 9:35pm in New York, and 6:36pm in Seattle, I'm watching my family and extended family play Just Dance 3 (Wii version) in our cramped living room. My cousin (11) and my...hmm...we'll call him my half cousin (3) are doing pretty well. My cousin is a little mother, doting and instructing the little boy with the eyes of a hawk. His mother is braiding my aunts hair. My other aunt is playing with them, sort of.

I have to note, that it is customary to remove one's outer "street clothes" upon getting into the apartment. So everyone is in their underclothes or sleepwear. Everyone. Except me. I don't know if I'm quite that comfortable yet to waltz around this apartment in only my underwear and a t-shirt. Since three boys ranging from 13 to 25 live here, I don't think I'll be doing it at all. Luckily, I did bring a lot of light clothing to wear. I'm still in the clothes I arrived in though, I decided to chill for a while before changing. Of course, I'm sweating and its ridiculously hot out, but that's fine. As the night takes over it supposed to drop to 71 degrees! Haha, a record. I'm kidding, of course.

Anyway, as I sit here, sipping my Snapple (peach tea), reflecting on my day I am reminded of my Sweetness back home. My poor little candy piece, left alone to fend for herself. And my mom, whom has never sent me off before. My Pooka, and Nightmare. I miss them all already. But I have 31 more days. I don't know if I will recall everyday, but if Sweetness reminds me, I might.

Rest easy this night, my loves. And know that I think of you all. In my journey to discover the unknown about myself, know that all of you are in my considerations and meditations. You will be in my dreams.

As a final note, you should know that the subway is about 60ft from this apartment, and it runs all night. Wherever you are, I hope it is quiet.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: Six people in a living room the size of a large bathroom, in 80 degree weather makes for a VERY warm atmosphere.  

Color Quiz

Free five minute personalty test

Your Existing Situation

Feeling stressed out due to her current situation and the demands which are placed on her. Working to release herself from all things that hold her back or tie her down.

Your Stress Sources

"Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep her rank and status. her current situation is irritating her because she can't seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards she does. she is feeling isolated and wants to give in to her carnal urges, but can't bring herself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see her unique qualities and character but can't stand to come off as needy, so instead she has an ""I don't care"" attitude and pushing people away. she turns her back on those who criticizes her behavior, but beneath her indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Applies tough standards to her potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in her sex life.
"Feels she is not receiving her fair share and is unable to rely on anyone for support or sympathy. she keeps her emotions bottled up, leaving her quick to take offense to small things. she tries to make the best of her situation."

Your Desired Objective

"Strives for full life which includes activities and experiences, as well as, a close relationship offering sexual and emotional satisfaction."

Your Actual Problem

"Is disappointed and let down, feels there is no point in making new goals as they will leave her feeling the same way. Looking for friendly, pleasant relationships with others, who will further develop her intellect. Feels her current relationships are empty and holding her back. Reacting with an intense desire to become involved in various activities aimed at achieving her goals."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Enjoys making new plans and goals, but needs to be respected and admired for the things she accomplishes."

Fuck It!

(The following is unedited and un-revised)
The strength of the title is irrelevant. I'm just having some thought process issues that need to be addressed and can be addressed no where but here.So, New York. That's what it all boils down to. I don't know what I did, but apparently I do. For some reason everyone is mad at me and I think it comes down to the fact that I didn't tell him I was leaving. But who cares? I mean, I'm not going to his house. Granted, I didn't call my Aunt until today...I meant to do it sooner, I'm just a lazy procrastinator. I am horribly lazy. Its ridiculous. If I wasn't, I'd be rolling in money right now. But instead I'm a lazy, lazy girl who is afraid of change and confrontation. I have strong opinions and desires by my motivation to get the them is extremely weak. I don't know how to motivate myself to do things.It is very hard for me to get things done for some reason. And I have no idea how to deal with excessive emotion. Stress scares me. And because I avoid it so much, by not doing things, I have no idea how to deal with it. So here I sit, ranting my problems to the internet because I can't trust anyone else to sit and listen and not give me advice.I'm not looking for advice. I just need space to figure out how I feel about things. I think I should probably call him. But I don't particularly WANT to call. I don't think he deserves it. But that is a petty, childish way of thinking. I know that as a grown woman, I should face my problems head on with little to no fear. That is the kind of person I want to be. But I am sheltered and scared. Inexperienced. I still live in a fantasy world. I still dream that big men from my books will come to my window at night and whisk me away. Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Or maybe I'm just a little girl trapped in a woman's body with no choice but to put on big girl panties. It's difficult to figure out what I want from myself when I'm so busy trying to figure out what everyone else wants. This isn't to say that I don't ever take myself into account, because I do...occasionally. But most of the time its "Well how will that effect so-so?" or "How does blah feel about that?" "Will I have time for Lala if I do this?" It's all everyone else everyone else. I don't want to be perceived as a selfish person but I have just as many goals and dreams as everyone else god dammit! I'm not an asshole for stating my thoughts. I'm not a jerk because of my preferences. I'm not weird because of my likes or dislikes. I'm not fucked up because of the way I do things. I'm just me. And whether or not that pisses people off isn't my problem. Or at least it shouldn't be. I wish Grandpa was here. He would be able to tell me what to do. Or at least have some sort of wisdom. I miss him a lot more than I think I do. When I get back from New York, if I still go, I'm going to change things. I need to stand up on the two feet that I've been given and work for myself for once. Go back to school or go to work or whatever. I need to do something with my life so I can begin achieving the goals I have mentally set for myself and told myself I won't reach. I need to get over my fear of the phone. I need to get off my need to not upset people and I need to start thinking about myself. Because that's how the real world works. This martyr bullshit only works in third world countries and books. I'm in neither. So that's how it goes. I just hope I can get all of this sorted out neatly. I called my mother for advice, she is going to come over and help me. I don't know exactly how, but I have faith that she knows what she's doing. And if she doesn't, she has the confidence to go through with it anyway. My mother is a wonderful person. But she is in the same place I am right now. She isn't steady. I will be.
I will be steady.
I will be self-sufficient.
I will achieve that which I have denied myself.
I will accept and make change.
I will do right by myself.
I will succeed.
I believe that I can do all of these things by strength of will. My Grandfather was stubborn and tough. But he was also generous and persuasive. He made a living for about sixty-five years as one of the best drug dealers in our area. He developed his own fencing company, he mined for gold in Alaska, he had thousands of friends and allies. And someday, I aspire to bring as much joy to people as he did. He may have been an asshole at times, but he knew when to do it. He knew how to have fun and be himself while taking care of others. He knew when to lie, when to tell the truth, who to trust and who to leave in the dust. Hehe that rhymed. But seriously, he was awesome. And I hope that I can tell stories that serve him justice. I want my brother and my children to think of him as the coolest person in the world. Because he was.I don't think I'll ever respect anyone as much as I respected him.
My train of thought has slowed down now. I think I should be able to think a little more clearly now. I need to call my father and explain to him my "feelings". I apologize if he's upset, but there's nothing I can do about that. I can't come see him in September. I'll be busy. I'll be working (hopefully) and I'll be trying to find a place to stay. So that is unacceptable.
My mom and my baby brother have arrived, so I'm going to sign off and sort all this out. Thanks for listening, blog. Without you, I'd go crazy.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret