New York: Day 9

I'm starting to lose track of my days.

I'm so proud of my Sweetness. I always feel this need to coddle her because of how fragile she tends to be, but these past few days she has grown tremendously. And even though she doesn't see it, I do. I can tell that her ways of thinking are beginning to change. This trip may benefit her more than it benefits me. She is discovering how independent she really is. She's figuring out how much she does, and how to deal with it. Of course, her solutions may not come to her quickly, but they will. She'll figure it out. I couldn't be happier for her.

In other news, I took out my hair today. It was in braids for those of you that don't know. I got so annoyed because my aunts kept telling me "You're gonna cut your hair!" cause I cut the ends of the braids. They're extensions. Like, ten inches of that hair isn't mine. @_@ I've taken them out a million times, I think I know how. Then they were commenting on the technique Sweetness used. I promptly told them that I think Sweetness did a wonderful job, despite it being her first time, and that she did it to the best of her ability which is enough.

That shut them up for the most part.

After that, I got in the shower, washed my hair and let it air dry. Which was also weird to them. They kept asking why I wasn't going to blow dry it. Seriously, it took all my submissive instinct not to look at them like they went full retard. (Never go full retard!)Do you know how hot it is in here? Do you know how hot blow drying makes you? There's no way in hell I'm gonna blow dry my hair in this hot ass apartment when I can just sit in front of the weak AC and dry it. Honestly! People from New York.

I was also schooled in how to make Ramen! ....this was an interesting experience. They "boil" their ramen in a pan. Yup, a pan. They add just enough water to reach the middle of the noodle block and they let it simmer and flip it over. Then, when it's almost done they add cheese, and the salt packet. This creates "gravy" which they dump into a bowl and consume. Also, a tidbit you should know, they put their sliced cheese in the freezer. Interesting, right?

After that lovely lesson, my school day ended. My cousin proceeded to continue to try and fish for answers about my religious views (not giving those up) and learn more about my personal life. Usually, I don't mind. But the...I hate to say that they're close-minded, but its the only word I can think of. Anyway, the close-mindedness of this house concerns me. If I tell her, I might have to endure a long lecture of why my views are "wrong" and I also don't want to "impose" my ideals and beliefs on a child. Granted, she is eleven. But they shelter her too much. All of these children are sheltered. None of them read, they all find school very boring (which I did too, but I didn't lose interest in elementary school!) and they know very little about the outside world. God forbid any of these children get exposed to actual sex.

Speaking of, watching Law & Order SVU is not a good thing to do with your sheltered child if you aren't going to explain to the child what is happening or what certain words mean because YOU are embarrassed. If you are too sensitive to speak about what is happening, then you shouldn't watch it with your curious child around. Sorry if my opinion is offensive, but this is my free internet space to do with what I wish. And I wish to speak my thoughts. I mean, really? You can't enlighten your child about what "semen" is? Or "labia"? Technical, non-vulgar terms for parts of their anatomy! Parts of their bodies that are theirs to claim and embrace for part of who they are!

I'm sorry. I'm on a rant. And I am aware that not everyone feels the same way I do about educating our youth, but I want you to know that it is extremely difficult for me to hold my tongue.

On another note, I started reading Acheron again for the, what is this? The third time? I don't think I'll ever truly lose interest in this book. It's just wonderful, despite all of the bad reviews about it from so called "loyal" readers. I firmly believe that anyone who takes the time and effort to write a novel should be acknowledged for their hard work. Even if it isn't "good" writing, its still someone's imagination being let off into the world. That's a scary thing. And I am proud of the people that do it.

I'm done for tonight. I don't want to rant anymore. I have to try and finish my third version of my Sexy Short. Haha.Good-night, dears.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: My cousin only knows one line from one Linkin Park song, and she sings it over and over and over and over and over and over and....you get the point. ;)

New York: Day 8

Today I'm listening to Rent.

I finished writing the second version of the scene I started yesterday/this morning. Which was a lovely accomplishment, if I do say so myself. Since I haven't written anything in a long time. I'd tell you what its about but it makes me blush just thinking about it. And I still have to write it two more times. Once as a different point of view and the other as a (revised) dual point of view thing. That's what I'll try to work on tonight. But if I can't stop listening to sad music then it'll never happen. I gotta listen to sexy things to work on thie particular project. Hey hey hey.

It was humid today. It didn't help that they cooked and that stove produces a LOT of heat. Crazy. So I'm sitting here in my new shorts, typing, listening to Rent. I think it's by far my favorite musical. It might be my favorite movie. I can't help but smile and sing along when ever I hear it. And I'll Cover You the reprise always, ALWAYS brings tears to my eyes. It's just so damn sad! I found out you can watch the whole movie on YouTube.Aww Yeah!

But otherwise, nothing important happened. I didn't go outside....OH! I finally finished that book! Shit that took forever. Stephen King really makes you work for it in that one, boy. Let me tell you! Wizard and Glass man.

LOL I have to tell you about this song "Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy" its fucking hilarious and I love it. If you haven't heard it LOOK IT UP. This is not advice. This is an ORDER. Listen to the song and prepare to understand what it is to be a woman. Ahaha. The AMVs for this song are fucking awesome (not all of them of course, but quite a few)

Anyway, I'm going to go back to writing on my shorty short story/scene. Tootles, bitches!

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: Here, I'll be nice and even give you the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnFBt2nuogg  now GO!

New York: Day 7

Alright, so today was just a uneventful as yesterday. But as I sit here, writing this in the morning dawn of a new day I look back on yesterday with a different point of view.

I spent the day watching television (mostly stand up comedy) with my cousins. My aunts eventually left and went for walks or whatever was their fancy. I stayed home, though I was invited, and I wrote. Something I haven't been able to do in a horrifically long time. And not because I didn't want to. But because I simply couldn't.

I blame the writing for the reason that I'm not even sort of tired or interested in sleeping right now. I want to keep writing and exercising my mind. And I just might. Even though I told Sweetness I would try to get some sleep. I am far too awake to lay down.

My aunt cooked today, she made rice and beans. The rice is never fully done, so it has that soft crunch like al dente noodles. I love it. The meal was amazingly simple and deliciously satisfying. I can't believe it. I finished off my Kiwi Strawberry Snapple. I started the Sweet Tea one. They are very big, which is why I'm telling you. It isn't of any importance of course, just something that I noted and decided to tell you of.

Now I'm thinking about what I want for breakfast.Maybe I'll finally have some of that oatmeal I bought. The only problem with that is heating the water. I have to make sure I do it at a time when it doesn't disturb anyone because they have a teapot. A teapot! It's silver, metal, with a round black handle. It looks well loved. Tomorrow marks the beginning of my second week here. My family, my Sweetness, has survived without me for a whole week.

Earlier, Sweetness brought up a point. She said that I don't seem to miss her as much as I did when I was in Mt. Vernon for a few days. And she's right. I don't. But I think it is because missing someone is a very physically draining and stressful thing. As you all know, I tend to avoid stressful things, usually not on purpose. So I think about that amount of stress inflicted on me for an entire month and realize, I miss her the same amount. I am just not thinking about it as much because my body has put it on the back burner. It would take so much out of me to miss her to that caliber constantly for a whole month. A few days is different. A few days with nothing to do but stand around and think of her. It's just different my love.

Today, I think I might run down to the store and buy some more toilet paper. Just to contribute. I use it too, after all. And since I'm the only one in the house who could start their period at any moment, it seems like it should be at least partially my responsibility. Don't you?

I'm adapting quite well to living out of a suit case. And everyone around me is becoming far more comfortable with my presence. My cousin seems to be a lot less obsessed with me now. It would seem that she figured out that I'll be here for a while. No need to pile on all the annoyance at once! ;)

In any case, I have to remember tomorrow (or should I say today?) to call my mother and my grandmother.I have no desire whatsoever to call my grandmother, but everyone keeps telling me "it's the polite thing to do!" And I am ever striving to be polite....unfortunately.

I finished a book called "A Little Princess". I forget the author, but its a beautiful little story. I will give you no details. It's free to download on your smart phone. If you want to know what it's about, then read it. You will get nothing from me.

I think I'll go now and try to scavenge something light and quiet to eat until later.Do have a wonderful day, my loves.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: "It's too cold outside for angels to fly."

New York: Day 6

Last night, I didn't go to sleep until seven in the morning.

After that, I fell asleep until about twelve. Throughout today I've been cat-napping. It was rather uneventful.I'm almost done with my book. As always I'm excited and a little depressed about this prospect. Though I have been reading this book for quite some time , I am always excited to see the end of every story. This book, was admittedly hard to get through. I am almost disappointed in myself that it took me so long to get through it. But, life does that to you. Anway, back to the point.

I experienced a quaint little "restaurant" called Island Salad. It's basically Subway, for salads. It was very cute. And the food wasn't bad. The way the do service is very confusing though, and it could be improved. Other than that though, it is a good little place, that I would visit again if not for the food being slightly more pricey than I would prefer. Oh well though.

My other activities were few and far between.I don't really have much to say.Which is unfortunate because I know my Sweetness reads this, expecting something fun or insightful. But I'm having a hard time today. Especially since a few of my family members are sitting in the living room watching TV. Maybe if I really concentrate I can focus on my thoughts.

Earlier today, my creative spark has begun to flicker into life. I'm so anxious, but I don't want to kill it before it takes its first breath so I am waiting patiently for it to grow. Maybe a little later, when I am done with this, I'll scribble something down. Something racy...something I don't usually touch on. I don't know what it will be though, so...MYSTERIOUS!

I'm excited for next week. We're going to start doing things. Visiting places and I'm going to really walk! This is another thing I'm excited about. Unfortunately, I am still very stingy with my money. I don't want to spend any of it. I want to save it all until I get home and then I can help my Sweetness with whatever she needs. I know she specifically told me not to think about it, but I can't help it.I have real-life problems in my mind that I need to tuck away until my journey is complete. But it's not working for some reason.

I apologize if this post is turning out to be repetitive. But my mind is spinning in circles and I am having the most difficult time concentrating. It's ridiculous. This, is why I don't allow myself to watch excessive amounts of television! Some people just can't handle it's mind-numbing effects and I firmly believe that I am one of them. My goodness. I'm going to retire this post then. I apologize again. Maybe later this evening I will have something more...intelligent to say.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

P.S: My playlist (yesterday's post) is getting quite the work out. What are you listening to?

New York: Day 5

Today was easy.

I didn't do much. I slept, and tried to read. I didn't get very far. I had some noodles and entertained out little guest because it was raining and they don't go out in the rain. I do. They don't. Anyway, Later, my aunt decided that I was going to a formal birthday party with her at a restaurant called Gargiulo's. A fancy restaurant that apparently serves calamari and veal. Because my aunt paid $70 dollars for her invite, she said she was going whether she felt like it or not. Her friend, on the other hand, decided that because it was raining and she wanted to keep her weave nice, that I could have her invite and go in her place. Awesome. It was a long drive, since the restaurant is in Coney Island. The houses down there are beautiful. The architecture is wonderful enough to make ME want to study it. Seriously. Its phenomenal. The restaurant itself was also beautiful. Free valet parking! The had a gazebo in the back. Exquisite marble bathrooms and a chandelier. The food was also excellent and the wait staff was cute :) Haha. Anyway. I had some four cheese tortellini, calamari and bread. After that they served coffee with the cake. I can't put my finger on what the filling was but it was amazing. Light and fragrant, a little spicy like cloves or something. With mini chocolate chips whipped in. The cake itself was soft and moist. And oh sweet lord the frosting! It was light and airy, melt in your mouth with just a touch of sugar. I ate all of it. And I usually only sample the frosting. I was also lucky enough to get a candy flower along with my slice. (I ate that too! Yum.) My coffee went along perfectly alongside it. Milk only, no sugar. Surprise! Haha the coffee was bold and full of its own flavors. It was dark and richly scented. But I don't know anything about coffee. So, meh. Take my critique with a grain of salt. The guests were all lovely, and though i felt under dressed and I wasn't actually invited I was welcomed warmly. The birthday girl celebrated her 70th birthday. Decked out in a red dress with a sheer train. Bold enough for a sixteen year old but modestly appropriate for someone of her age and dignity. Her diamond and ruby earrings are what caught my attention (BEAUTIFUL!) and I admit, I hugged her to get a closer look at them. But she was a lovely, gracious, and perfectly companionable old woman from first impression. Apparently she is also a little famous. She is the lead (?) singer in an early seventies band called "The Cookies". I guess they were big in their day. As we entered, she and her band mates were on stage singing away like they were still in their twenties. And I hope that I am that confident in my old age. The dining area was also lovely, and the music selection (for the age group) I found to be extremely amusing. They did play Wobble Wobble, after all. I couldn't help but laugh. At the table we sat at, our neighbor was a very plump man with an infectious humor. I became comfortable in his company instantly. His name is Brother Freddie, I have been told. He attends the same church as the birthday girl, and my aunt. Quite the most comical gentleman.

Upon our trip home, we took pictures of some other excellent look restaurants, and talked about going to visit The Met, Prospect Park, Coney Island amusement park & aquarium, and the Bronx zoo. Out of all of these things, I don't particularly care if we do anything. I have come here to create memories or myself, and discover my inner being. I have found out that I am extremely introverted and shy. I'm also very submissive in public.I look down a lot, keep my hands clasped in front of me, I say very little. It's an interesting change. And even as I told myself "This isn't how you are, what are you doing? Get up! Dance! Be a dork!" I just couldn't.  And I didn't really want to. So maybe, I am both of these things naturally? I presume that would be why. I haven't been to that many parties for this trait to be influenced into me. I'll think about this more later.

Now here I sit, listening to music for the first time in days. And I am content. Truly content here where I am. I can feel the ease of my mind and I am in touch with my body in a way that I had fallen out of. I can feel my heart beating in my chest, the strain of my spine, the ache in my arms and fingers, the brush of my eyelashes against my eyelids. I had forgotten how to listen to my body this way. But it's coming back to me and I enjoy the feeling. As a final note, I'll give the list of songs I'm listening to.

Drops of Jupiter - Train
The A Team - Ed Sheeran
Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down
Far Away - Nickleback
Savin' Me - Nickleback
Born This Way - Lady Gaga
Somewhere Only We Know - Keane
Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
Hold On - Good Charlotte
You and Me - Lifehouse

That's it I think. Goodnight, my loves. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

P.S: Can you believe that it's day five already?

New York: Day 4

I didn't go to sleep until five last night.

Today was sort of hectic in a smooth kind of way. If that makes any sense. I didn't really do much reading. But it was so cool that I finally got to wear pants. (my favorites actually) It was wonderful. I had decided I was going to go outside, when my phone decided to have a seizure. That lasted four hours. After a thorough panic session and some consulting, I dragged both of my aunts, my youngest cousin, and our little guest (she's two, three in may.) down to the Sprint store. Where I waited for another two hours (they kept skipping my name for some reason) for the to do a hard reset on my phone, erasing everything. The hard reset? It took ten minutes. Yeah. Oh! And it was also free. Except for I paid in two hours and ten minutes of my life. Anyway! After getting my phone fixed, my aunt and our little guest decided we'd walk back home. (the store wasn't far) And on the way back I bought some much needed head scarves. And I Bought some video games. Fable 2 and Fable 3. I had them once before, but I sold them...for a silly reason. Now I have them back, and tomorrow I hope to be able to hunt down Mortal Kombat. Which out here is $22 and in WA its still $45 for some stupid reason. Yes, the pre-owned one. Crazy, I know. Well, when we finally returned home I chowed down a Velveeta noodle cup and watched Law & Order SVU with my family until they decided to go to bed. After that, I was on the phone with my Sweetness until I convinced her to go to bed. And now. I'm sitting here, journaling my day. So today, overall, wasn't so bad. I let my emotions get control of me earlier. I regret that. I don't like being so dependent on my phone. I understand that because I am in a new place, far from my home, I need something to connect me. But that isn't the only reason. I can also use it for GPS, which in the described setting, is very handy.

I haven't started my period yet. Which is weird, but probably due to all the stress of moving around.I know that you all didn't need to know that, but I told you anyway. Ha!

As the days pass, it is getting easier and easier for me to loosen up and ease my mind into a state of relaxation. However, I have noticed that the exact opposite is true for Sweetness. I can't help but wonder why that is. Of course, there are multiple reasons. But I just can't seem to figure out why. I keep turning it over and  over in my mind. What can I do to help? How can I make this easier for her? What can I say to make her see? Nothing ever comes up though. Only the things I've already said. Just things I've already done. And it saddens me to not be able to help aid her in her journey.

Although, a realization occurred just now. Maybe I can't. I cannot help her and that is why we are failing to figure out how to do it. She must do it on her own without me. If I help her, then she will continue to be dependent on me for her answers. I must teach her, by not teaching her, to look to herself and her resources for answers. This...is an extremely difficult lesson. And I'm not sure I will be able to teach it. Also, it could be that I am incorrect. I am very sleepy so it could be nonsensical rambling.

In other news, I went to Fulton Mall. It's not small, but its not huge. There's a Marshalls, Target, Victoria's Secret, Children's Place, Gap, yada yada yada. The same stuff you find in regular malls. I snapped a few pictures, but not many. I'm not a very good tourist photographer, and the only thing that keeps me clicking is "How am I going to explain this to Sweetness?" If I can't think of a way to describe it accurately, I take a picture. So they are few and far between. Though I will admit that some of them are very random with little purpose.

My back hurts...and I and sleepy. Hopefully I will be able to post something more relevant tomorrow. My apologies.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: Research Ageplay if you get the chance. I, personally, find it to be quite fascinating.

New York: Day 3

Today is the first day I've felt semi-normal. I took a walk down the block during the rain storm (so refreshing!) and snapped some pictures.It was delightful, and I felt very...new. Everything is new. I'm still getting used to this place, of course, but I'm settling in. It is very difficult to live out of a suitcase though.

Most of today, I read, and watched my cousins play video games.Because of the thunderstorm, no one really went out. Except me. I accidentally got to walk with my eldest cousin when he came back from work. Because I was already outside and caught him coming up the street.He inquired about my weird need to be in the rain. Simply, its comforting.

Later, about an hour and a half ago, my aunt, forgetting about my computer, turned off the internet. So we went for a walk. Which turned out to be a pleasant event. I learned a lot. Like the New York terminology for buildings and "supermarkets". It was an interesting experience. We also grabbed some cheap pizza (which tasted pretty good, but my slice was burnt). They are really generous with the slices! They're HUGE. Which is wonderful. Tomorrow, I think I'll walk a little farther. I guess we are going to have a little guest tomorrow. I'm getting mixed messages about her behavior. So...that will be interesting.

Tonight, my youngest cousin is sleeping in her own bed. So I should be able to get some sleep. Ha! I took the funniest picture of her last night. But I can't upload it. It went something like this though.

Cousin, sleeping in the CENTER of the mattress. Me standing above her disdainfully. Then! An idea.

-Pokemon battle music-

A Wild Snorlax appeared!
Mercy sent out CAMERA PHONE
CAMERA PHONE used FLASH!
It wasn't very effective...
CAMERA PHONE! Come back! 
Mercy sent out AUTHORITY!
The wild SNORLAX used SNORE!
It wasn't very effective...
AUTHORITY used SHOVE!
It was super effective!
The Wild SNORLAX fainted!

Hahaha! Do you see how funny that situation could have been?? My cousin being the Snorlax of course. Ahh...it was hilarious.I haven't tried actually writing yet. And I think that might be because there's so much to see and do and people to talk to. I can't concentrate on any writing but this. Since it's just a scribbling of my thoughts, it isn't hard. Plus, I do it when everyone else is asleep. :) Clever me, I know.

Anyway, despite actually doing stuff today, I don't have much to talk about. It seems like my mind is trying to rewire its self so it's hard to think about things for very long. I told my mom I would call her tomorrow. I Voxed her and Pooka earlier. He was very excited to hear my voice.

I think its harder for the people you leave behind. I'm distracted from missing them as much as they miss me because of all the new stuff I'm surrounded by.But they are in their regular lives doing the same things they usually do, just without me. So they notice my absence a lot more. I know that I'm away from them, and I feel that missing space. But it's so fleeting in my mind. Like, look! It's already day three! I know its going faster to me than it is to them. It helps that I'm ahead by three hours. But still. I have faith that they'll be alright.
Sweetness, I hope you do just as much growing, in your own way, that I do.

 I have trust in you.

Well, I'm gonna go do something else now. I love you all. Goodnight.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

P.S.: In New York, when some one checks you out, you say "he was sayin hi to you."

New York: Day 2

So far, so good.

I "woke up" this morning at around 7:30am. I put those words in quotations because this air mattress that I'm sleeping on is not the most comfortable thing in the world. So I tossed and turned. And tossed some more. I'm sure you can figure out that I didn't get much sleep. But that's fine. I had the chance to listen to the apartment and get familiar with the noises that go on at night. I enjoy listening to the rumble of the subway outside the window. It's comforting somehow. Anyway, when I woke up, my cousin was wide-eyed and bushy tailed right beside me. The apartment essentially deserted except for the two of us and my aunts. All the boys had gotten up and left.

She insisted we play video games. So first, we played a bunch of mini-games on Super Mario Bros. She won. Every time. Which seemed to make her happy, so I didn't much mind. Then, we ate cereal. I must tell you that almost immediately after taking the milk out of the fridge it got warm. Not intolerably warm, just warmer than one would prefer their milk to be at 8am. Upon finishing our cereal, my cousin decided that we just HAD to watch videos on YouTube.Watching videos on YouTube with an eleven-year-old girl is...highly un-entertaining. But, she was having fun. All the while, I was trying whole-heartedly to read my book. This, baffles them to no end. They just can't seem to understand why I would prefer reading than watching TV of movies on Netflix. They just don't get it. To her credit, she did try to read with me, for about....ten minutes. Then she deemed it a boring activity and went back to watching videos. She insisted that I watch the Single Ladies music video backwards because it has a "satanic" message that was put in there by the "Illuminati".

First of all, the actual definition of "Illuminati"
capitalized : any of various groups claiming special religious enlightenment

2

: persons who are or who claim to be unusually enlightened 

(Websters.com)

 

My cousin seems to think that it is a conspiracy cult that orchestrated the 9/11 bombings, the Economy, and other weird bat-shit crazy ideas. I tried to tell her, but she's eleven. So...

 

Anyway, eventually she did leave me alone to read my book in relative peace.  The boys swept in and out of the house periodically, but eventually they all retired to what I've deemed "the boy room" and played Xbox. the youngest of the boys sat in the living room and played Call of Duty 3 and Assassin's Creed on the PS3. He's an alright player. 

I got pretty far in my book. I didn't go outside, and I might not tomorrow. But I must. I have fully charged my camera and thusly, I am ready to take pictures. My Aunts are dismayed that I want to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. But I've always wanted to go, and last time I was out here The kids were too young. It never would have kept their interest. Now though, they don't even have to go. I haven't gathered up the balls to ask about the Museum of Sex, but after tonight, I just might.

My aunt told me about her latest boyfriend and his sizable...manhood. I was first startled that she would even think to talk to me about something like that. Me! One of the kids! But it didn't take very long for me to remember that I'm a grown woman in their eyes now. And they can talk to me about whatever they please. Which I still find slightly startling and...endearing. I feel more respected now. As an individual. Which is good. That's what I came for. 

My lesson: Don't be afraid to be yourself. Others will respect you more for it.

Now, at 1:05am, everyone is pretty much asleep, or retired to their rooms. My cousin is passed out on the bed next to me. I still can't fathom why she would want to sleep on this air mattress when she had a perfectly comfortable bed just a few steps away.

One other thing. So far, my eldest cousin and my youngest cousin are the only two who know about my sexual identity. Now of course, they asked, and I am not shy to tell. I am confident in myself in that area. MY youngest cousin, though disbelieving and confused, was far more accepting and tolerable than my eldest. He was surprisingly harsh and critical. To the point that I might have been offended if I wasn't so passive.He told me he planned to "change that", and how it "ain't right for no woman to look at no woman." Personally, I don't see how one can be so very close-minded. And if one does insist on being that way, then they should keep it to themselves. I didn't tell him he had to be bisexual, only that I was, and that I was in a committed relationship with a woman.Fortunately, I have already come out to the family members and friends whose critiques I would be harmed by. So, I am virtually unaffected by his rudeness. However unintended it may or may not have been. 

Well, I think that's all. Tomorrow, I'll try to snap some pictures of my surroundings. I can't say if I'll post them or not, but maybe. If I'm not tired. Ha ha ha! Me. Tired. That's rich.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S.: I miss my Sweetness SO terribly.

New York: Day 1

I arrived in New York at 3:25pm (eastern time) on July 16, 2012.

The weather is wonderful. It's hot, and the wind is warm. The humidity is dry though. Not that moist crap that Seattle has had lately. My Aunt and my two cousins (the youngest and the eldest) picked me up from the impossibly big JFK International Airport. The traffic wasn't horrible, it didn't take very long to get back to Brooklyn. We stopped at the grocery store (FoodTown) and picked up some foodstuffs. I purchased mostly snacks and spent $55.00. I did buy a lot of easy to make things like oatmeal, ramen noodles, and boil-in-bag pasta. It was all relatively cheap. The twelve mile drive, straight through wouldn't have taken longer than half an hour. But because of our stops, it was about two hours until we arrived at the petite apartment. (I'll take pictures and post them later) the outside of the complex is unassuming. the gate is a fading green, the porch steps are short and sweet. The apartment is on the second floor, and the quarters are tight.

But my family is accommodating and friendly. They bombarded me with questions and we chatted happily for quite some time. FoodTown is a straight walk down the street, no turns or anything. And my bank is within equal reach. There is a "corner store" (the equivalent of a 7/11 or AmPm without the gas pumps) in the opposite direction. So, if you were to come out of the apartment and face the street, FoodTown, the laundry mat, my bank, and a small park would be to your right. To your left, is a corner store. I haven't really explored the left side of the street yet, but maybe I will tomorrow. It's supposed to be 95 degrees tomorrow according to the news. But it could also be lower. We're expecting thunderstorms sporadically throughout the week. Ha, I guess I've arrived right before a heat wave. After this Wednesday its supposed to drop back down into the eighties. Like that's cool, or something.

At the moment, 9:35pm in New York, and 6:36pm in Seattle, I'm watching my family and extended family play Just Dance 3 (Wii version) in our cramped living room. My cousin (11) and my...hmm...we'll call him my half cousin (3) are doing pretty well. My cousin is a little mother, doting and instructing the little boy with the eyes of a hawk. His mother is braiding my aunts hair. My other aunt is playing with them, sort of.

I have to note, that it is customary to remove one's outer "street clothes" upon getting into the apartment. So everyone is in their underclothes or sleepwear. Everyone. Except me. I don't know if I'm quite that comfortable yet to waltz around this apartment in only my underwear and a t-shirt. Since three boys ranging from 13 to 25 live here, I don't think I'll be doing it at all. Luckily, I did bring a lot of light clothing to wear. I'm still in the clothes I arrived in though, I decided to chill for a while before changing. Of course, I'm sweating and its ridiculously hot out, but that's fine. As the night takes over it supposed to drop to 71 degrees! Haha, a record. I'm kidding, of course.

Anyway, as I sit here, sipping my Snapple (peach tea), reflecting on my day I am reminded of my Sweetness back home. My poor little candy piece, left alone to fend for herself. And my mom, whom has never sent me off before. My Pooka, and Nightmare. I miss them all already. But I have 31 more days. I don't know if I will recall everyday, but if Sweetness reminds me, I might.

Rest easy this night, my loves. And know that I think of you all. In my journey to discover the unknown about myself, know that all of you are in my considerations and meditations. You will be in my dreams.

As a final note, you should know that the subway is about 60ft from this apartment, and it runs all night. Wherever you are, I hope it is quiet.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

P.S: Six people in a living room the size of a large bathroom, in 80 degree weather makes for a VERY warm atmosphere.  

Color Quiz

Free five minute personalty test

Your Existing Situation

Feeling stressed out due to her current situation and the demands which are placed on her. Working to release herself from all things that hold her back or tie her down.

Your Stress Sources

"Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep her rank and status. her current situation is irritating her because she can't seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards she does. she is feeling isolated and wants to give in to her carnal urges, but can't bring herself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see her unique qualities and character but can't stand to come off as needy, so instead she has an ""I don't care"" attitude and pushing people away. she turns her back on those who criticizes her behavior, but beneath her indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Applies tough standards to her potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in her sex life.
"Feels she is not receiving her fair share and is unable to rely on anyone for support or sympathy. she keeps her emotions bottled up, leaving her quick to take offense to small things. she tries to make the best of her situation."

Your Desired Objective

"Strives for full life which includes activities and experiences, as well as, a close relationship offering sexual and emotional satisfaction."

Your Actual Problem

"Is disappointed and let down, feels there is no point in making new goals as they will leave her feeling the same way. Looking for friendly, pleasant relationships with others, who will further develop her intellect. Feels her current relationships are empty and holding her back. Reacting with an intense desire to become involved in various activities aimed at achieving her goals."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Enjoys making new plans and goals, but needs to be respected and admired for the things she accomplishes."

Fuck It!

(The following is unedited and un-revised)
The strength of the title is irrelevant. I'm just having some thought process issues that need to be addressed and can be addressed no where but here.So, New York. That's what it all boils down to. I don't know what I did, but apparently I do. For some reason everyone is mad at me and I think it comes down to the fact that I didn't tell him I was leaving. But who cares? I mean, I'm not going to his house. Granted, I didn't call my Aunt until today...I meant to do it sooner, I'm just a lazy procrastinator. I am horribly lazy. Its ridiculous. If I wasn't, I'd be rolling in money right now. But instead I'm a lazy, lazy girl who is afraid of change and confrontation. I have strong opinions and desires by my motivation to get the them is extremely weak. I don't know how to motivate myself to do things.It is very hard for me to get things done for some reason. And I have no idea how to deal with excessive emotion. Stress scares me. And because I avoid it so much, by not doing things, I have no idea how to deal with it. So here I sit, ranting my problems to the internet because I can't trust anyone else to sit and listen and not give me advice.I'm not looking for advice. I just need space to figure out how I feel about things. I think I should probably call him. But I don't particularly WANT to call. I don't think he deserves it. But that is a petty, childish way of thinking. I know that as a grown woman, I should face my problems head on with little to no fear. That is the kind of person I want to be. But I am sheltered and scared. Inexperienced. I still live in a fantasy world. I still dream that big men from my books will come to my window at night and whisk me away. Maybe I'm just a dreamer. Or maybe I'm just a little girl trapped in a woman's body with no choice but to put on big girl panties. It's difficult to figure out what I want from myself when I'm so busy trying to figure out what everyone else wants. This isn't to say that I don't ever take myself into account, because I do...occasionally. But most of the time its "Well how will that effect so-so?" or "How does blah feel about that?" "Will I have time for Lala if I do this?" It's all everyone else everyone else. I don't want to be perceived as a selfish person but I have just as many goals and dreams as everyone else god dammit! I'm not an asshole for stating my thoughts. I'm not a jerk because of my preferences. I'm not weird because of my likes or dislikes. I'm not fucked up because of the way I do things. I'm just me. And whether or not that pisses people off isn't my problem. Or at least it shouldn't be. I wish Grandpa was here. He would be able to tell me what to do. Or at least have some sort of wisdom. I miss him a lot more than I think I do. When I get back from New York, if I still go, I'm going to change things. I need to stand up on the two feet that I've been given and work for myself for once. Go back to school or go to work or whatever. I need to do something with my life so I can begin achieving the goals I have mentally set for myself and told myself I won't reach. I need to get over my fear of the phone. I need to get off my need to not upset people and I need to start thinking about myself. Because that's how the real world works. This martyr bullshit only works in third world countries and books. I'm in neither. So that's how it goes. I just hope I can get all of this sorted out neatly. I called my mother for advice, she is going to come over and help me. I don't know exactly how, but I have faith that she knows what she's doing. And if she doesn't, she has the confidence to go through with it anyway. My mother is a wonderful person. But she is in the same place I am right now. She isn't steady. I will be.
I will be steady.
I will be self-sufficient.
I will achieve that which I have denied myself.
I will accept and make change.
I will do right by myself.
I will succeed.
I believe that I can do all of these things by strength of will. My Grandfather was stubborn and tough. But he was also generous and persuasive. He made a living for about sixty-five years as one of the best drug dealers in our area. He developed his own fencing company, he mined for gold in Alaska, he had thousands of friends and allies. And someday, I aspire to bring as much joy to people as he did. He may have been an asshole at times, but he knew when to do it. He knew how to have fun and be himself while taking care of others. He knew when to lie, when to tell the truth, who to trust and who to leave in the dust. Hehe that rhymed. But seriously, he was awesome. And I hope that I can tell stories that serve him justice. I want my brother and my children to think of him as the coolest person in the world. Because he was.I don't think I'll ever respect anyone as much as I respected him.
My train of thought has slowed down now. I think I should be able to think a little more clearly now. I need to call my father and explain to him my "feelings". I apologize if he's upset, but there's nothing I can do about that. I can't come see him in September. I'll be busy. I'll be working (hopefully) and I'll be trying to find a place to stay. So that is unacceptable.
My mom and my baby brother have arrived, so I'm going to sign off and sort all this out. Thanks for listening, blog. Without you, I'd go crazy.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

This is that one

Which case is it that you write everything backwards?
esacrorriM!

Hahahahahah!
If you don't get it, thats fine. I just made it up anyways. I'm trying to blog right now while my Sweet does her homework for her newest class. Its an English 101 class, which according to her test scores, she shouldn't have to take. But since degrees don't care about test scores, she's gonna take it anyway. Needless to say, she's a little frustrated.

In other news, I think I might have to poop. Maybe. I can't really tell.I have noticed that I have gotten comfortable enough around my Sweet one to fart in front of her. -smirk- this is by far the funniest thing.Ever. Seriously. I don't know why its so funny. But it is. It makes me laugh. That's all for now. If I decide to post something later, I might. But my mom's house (where I'm staying for the moment) doesn't have internet. soo...kinda screwed there. But whatev's. If I feel like it tomorrow, while Sweetness is at school, I'll wander down to Fred Meyer (they have Wi-Fi) and post then. Maybe.

Hehehehe,

Sacred Secret

PS: Toot!

Happy Anniversary, Sweetness

Sweetness,

There aren't a lot of things I can say right now. But I want you to know that I appreciate you giving me this chance to show you that fairy tales don't always have to have a "Prince". And even if its only a temporary fantasy that I'm living in, I'm glad that I got to live it at all. I know that I won't be the one you grow old with, but I'll definitely grow old beside you. And not just because that's the way nature works. No matter what happens, you hold a piece of my heart. Right here, right now, though we are apart, you are beside me. Because I carry you with me wherever I go.

I love you, Sweetness.
And though it may break my heart, I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to make sure you're happy.

Love,
Mushroom
Aka Sacred Secret

Late night postings

I've been laying here for about an hour and half now. And I can't fall asleep. I just can't. I miss Sweetness. I miss the demanding way we cuddle and I miss falling asleep with her tucked safely beside me. I worry about her when she's on her own. This is probably a nonsense post, since I should, by all rights, be tired as hell. I have to say, I really like the Blogger app better than the text to Blogger thingy. Those way, I can write as much as I want. No limits. Of course, because its on my phone, I probably won't ever post this way very often. Why? Cause its too damn hard to type this much on a touch screen! Considering how late it is though, I think I'm doing pretty well in the typo department. It's 3am. Sweetness should be waking up in about an hour or so. She's working this weekend, getting a lot of hours. I wish I had a way to earn more money. Our anniversary is in two weeks. And I have no idea what I'm going to do for her. I can't ask anyone for help. They'll look at me weird. I wish I could get Sweetness something that she really wants. Maybe, I could try to get her necklace fixed...that's a crappy present though. Hmmm...this is hard. Any suggestions? Anyone? Anything at all would be great. Usually I start thinking about what to get her really early, but this time, I just had too much on my mind. I'm sorry, Sweetness. I'm always letting you down. I shouldn't go to New York. I should stay here and focus on getting a job. But I don't want to do that. I want to go to New York. I wish I was tired enough to go to sleep. It's annoying. Being sleepy but not being able to sleep. I'm hot too. This sucks. I want my Sweetness back! :(
I'm going to try to go to sleep again now.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Titleless

A stream of consciousness follows.

If there is nothing at the end of this world, why do we work? If there is ultimately nothing that will bring us true happiness, then why do we strive? What is the point of pain and heartache? Growth, I believe. If you do not grow, you cannot experience new things from a different point of view. If you remain in the same view point, then your ignorance will define you. And ignorance makes you hopeless, whether knowledge brings you grim reality or not.I have been offered the opportunity to travel. It is a harder decision to make then most seem to understand. I am aware that embarking on this trip will force me to grow, and change. This prospect is exciting and unnerving. I want to go. I also, do not want to go. But it is very difficult to make up my mind when all the advice I am given is biased. I am learning, even now, that I must make this decision without the impacts of others thoughts. If I go, I will not return home as the same person, in the same frame of mind. However, I am also nervous that I will return to be exactly the same. I do not enjoy my current position. I am not...happy. This, I cannot explain because I do not know. I do not know why I am unhappy, or with what. But I am. Something in my heart aches. Something in my soul cries out but the voice is so lost and buried under the wants and needs of others that I cannot hear it. I only hear the voices of others. I have lost my own. If I leave, I hope to find the voice I have lost. But I am frightful that if I do find that voice, it may say something I am not willing to admit. Something I'm not ready for. But then, pain and struggle are the reasons for life, aren't they? If there is no change and no struggle, then there is no life. Humans must fight for happiness, because they are either too intelligent or too stupid to float aimlessly through their short lives. With summer quickly approaching, and my window of opportunity rapidly closing, I must come to a decision. If I am to go, I must tie my finals ends and begin preparations for my trip...however...there is one more thing...there is My Sweetness. I haven't told her any of this, and she may read it before I have the chance, but I wish she would be happy for me...I wish that she could understand that leaving her will be difficult for me. I can't even begin to describe the feeling that is lodged in my chest at the thought. This is why I haven't said anything. Because I cannot describe it. And I fear she may think I'm lying or have no true reason if I cannot explain.But I do have a reason, I do have one.I just can't say what it is. It may be because I'm afraid of who I will be when I return. What if she doesn't grow too? She will be the same, and I will be different. How can I help her to grow as well? Or is that something she must do on her own? I want to talk to her about my nervousness and my excitement. I want to be able to include her and plan with her and share these things. But she doesn't want me to. She has no desire to hear any of it. Because she is also afraid. I understand her fear, as I have stated. But...do we handle things so differently? I am unable to openly talk to her about so many things because I do not wish to make her uncomfortable or upset. She is fragile, like glass or porcelain. And it would pain me too greatly to pressure her into anything, to upset her, to cause her tears...to cause her true pain...I am afraid to leave and come back....only to find Sweetness to be the same sweet-faced beautiful girl I left behind, and for me to be the person that she used to know...I am so afraid...but I must find my voice again. I don't remember when I buried it, but lately I have been seeing things that make it cry out a little louder. High school, my diploma, my possible trips to France or Italy, my family, my old friends...these things are causing my inner voice, my buried, muted voice to rasp...but I cannot her what she has to say. I don't understand her. And that is a deep sin. To be so out of contact with oneself that they cannot even decipher their own thoughts? It is terrible. A tragedy. And I can no longer allow it to go on. I must decide. I must speak with Sweetness. But before I do any of that, I must question myself. I must be set in my decisions, before I receive any outside opinions. My mind is such a puzzle right now. I'm almost physically sick with the confusion. I wish I could step back and look at it all from an outside POV. But on the other hand, do I really want to do that? I'm finished for now...I'm going to retreat into my mind, perhaps. I might take a shower. But I also might sit here and play video games. I might do all three. Whatever I choose, I must stand by myself. If I can't, then I can hardly expect anyone else to.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

Add a Little This: Genre

Fiction:

a : something invented by the imagination or feigned; specifically : an invented story b : fictitious literature (as novels or short stories) c : a work of fiction; especially : novel

2

a : an assumption of a possibility as a fact irrespective of the question of its truth fiction> b : a useful illusion or pretense

3

: the action of feigning or of creating with the imagination 

 

 

Non-Fiction:

 : literature or cinema that is not fictional 

 

 

Simple enough? Good.These are the two main categories of "genre". These two can, of course, be demolished into thousands of sub categories. Like this;

 

Fiction:

Sci-Fi

Romance

Thriller

Fantasy

Mystery

Action

Ect.

 

 

Non Fiction:

Sports

Gardening

History

Technology

Animals

Art

Science

Ect.

 

Just by looking at their differing sub categories you can see how different these two genre's are. It's very important not to confuse the two. Admittedly, I used to confuse them a great deal. But that was a long time ago. Anyway, this post is short for a reason, just to give you something to mull over. Go forth and find two examples of each Fiction and Non-Fiction. Which one do you indulge in more?

 

 

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

 

Add a little This

I'm not going to pretend I didn't get on here for a reason. But that reason is irrelevant now, so on to my post.

We'll start with this.

Staring out the window, looking down on the insignificant insects of my species, I cannot help but observe the disgusting way they, unfortunately 'we', move about and cater to the needs of our existence. Walking is a less then graceful way to get around, breathing is loud, eating is horrendous, and don't get me stated on how they disposes of their wastes. As I sit, and observe I take note of one particular insect, a relatively stout man with a large belly, dressed in a blue work shirt and black slacks. Nothing very noticeable at all. He's balding, carrying some sort of paper in his hand, and has a peculiar gait. Coming from the opposite direction is a woman of similar stature, wearing a purple zip up jacket over a green shirt, jeans that are  too small and slippers adorn her feet. She has dyed her hair a fake red color and she is the owner of a pair of coke bottle glasses. 

Simple enough, what next? our protagonist, who also happens to be the narrator I think, seems to look down on humanity very harshly, pressing the reader to feel a similar way in order to get his or her point across. For the sake of simplicity, we'll refer to the protagonist as a "him". He points out two people that he finds particularly disgusting and describes them with some disdain. His point behind this is to give the reader a sense of place. Where could these two people be if the woman is wearing a jacket, but the man is not? She is dressed casually and he is dressed semi-formally with no jacket to be seen.The narrator does not give any description of setting, so lets throw some in.

The fat, balding man appears to be making his way from his car, headed to a drab looking building with paperwork in his hands. It is early spring, and the trees dotting the street are half bare. The extreme overcast makes it a touch chilly as the wind sighs lazily through what leaves have appeared. The cars that drive by on the main road quick, and there are no open windows to be seen. A pair of crows hops about on the green space betwixt the sidewalk and the road, searching for unlucky animals or leftover human fodder. As they strut up and down the sidewalk, I am reminded of  humanity and their incessant arrogance. Revolting.

There we go, some setting. Now we can piece together that Man and Woman are outside. the narrator is inside, we conclude from his earlier observation that he is looking at Man and Woman through a window.He continues to describe a parking lot, and a sidewalk, a main road and a few notable features. Such as the crows, the trees, cars, and the weather.Even his description of these things makes the world seem dull and boring. With a taste of foulness to top it off. why does the narrator hate humanity so? He is human, so we can assume because he tells us so. Perhaps he is visiting a different country and sees this nastiness for the first time in a race he isn't familiar with? That's far fetched. Let's add some dialogue.

I cannot hear the man, nor the woman as they pause to speak with each other, though I didn't suppose that they knew one another. Perhaps one insects is asking the other for directions? I presumed the conversation was something like this;
"Excuse me, sir?" the woman says, waving her hand in his direction as they approach one another.
"Oh, can I help you?" He calls, fumbling with his paperwork as the breeze contemplates whipping them from his grubby hands. 
"Do you know where the library is from here? I can't find it and I've been wandering around here for an hour." She says almost hysterically, raising and dropping her arms in exasperation. The bald man stares at her for a tic longer than is polite before gesturing to their right, just a jog across the street. 
"See that building there?" he pauses as she turns to look, "That's the library. It closes at six. Would you like me to take you over?" He offers politely and the woman whips her head back to stare at him, anger flooding her body. Even from my view point I can see that her posture has changed from demure and helpless to ridiculously, and stupidly independent.
"I can get there on my own! Do you think I'm stupid! I've just never been here before, okay?!" She shouts, more waving angrily with her short, flabby arms. It almost looks as though she is going to strike the bald man for his offer, but he steps away and shakes his head, holding tighter to his paper work.

There, we've added a new dynamic to the story, speech. Woman is apparently dumb and Man is exasperated at her anger. The narrator seems to be on Man's side, but also describes the scene with an offhanded sort of carelessness. Notice, that the narrator clearly made up this dialogue, paring it up with the pictures he saw through the window.He makes Woman out to be extreme, with her sudden changes in mood and her dramatic gestures. Man is on the opposite side of the spectrum however because he his calm and helpful, full of disdain just like the narrator. Let's finish this up like this:

The fat, obnoxious woman dashes across the street toward the library, narrowly avoiding getting crushed by an oncoming car. The man watches her go, and once she is safe enough on the other side, he proceeds into the bland building he was headed toward before this unique encounter. The woman, I lose sight of, but I presume she made it alright. Not that I particularly care whether or not she makes it to the library. It was simply an observation. Humanity is sick, and should be cleansed, but that is not my place. I am only to wait for them to come unto me. As I once was as they are, though shall never be again. Interesting how I still crave to sit and watch their daily lives go on and on. Do they know how I wait for them in the wings? Can they feel me? Curious...

There you have it. What is our narrator? If he is not human, but he once was? I don't know. That would be something to further investigate about, I suppose. If there was a sequel or something. But there isn't. His particular dislike seems to enthrall him enough that he must often find himself watching humans from far away. The "wings" if you will.

I'm so hungry now that I can't even think anymore. So I'm going to do something else. Congratulations on getting through this probably very boring post.
Good afternoon, Gents.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

Just another Spam post.

If you're a writer and you know it clap your hands!
*clap clap*
If you're a writer and you know it clap your hands!
*clap clap*
If you're a writer and you know it, I think that you should show it, you should comment on my poems, clap your hands!
*clap clap*

http://www.wattpad.com/user/Mercy003
:D

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

Mothers

This will be quick, I have things to do.

But I've spent the last oh...hour or so, trying to find the perfect quopte to start off this post. But I couldn't find one.
Why?
Because I was looking for a quote that describes how I feel about my mother.

I love you!

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

P.S: So...about your nipples...

Musical Melody

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."

- Dale Carnegie

I'm not starting this post with that quote for any particular reason, just in case you were wondering.It just sounded like a good quote to use today. Of course, I suppose subconsciously I'm using it for a reason, but I couldn't for the life of me tell you why. I'm trying to find something in my mind to write about. So this might just be a long series of strange and abruptly cut off thoughts. That's alright though, because writing is a muscle that needs to be flexed occasionally, if not daily. We're at Starbucks today, Sweetness and I. We've been here for a while. I tried ordering Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life online and decided that I'll just wait until I have more money or find it in a store somewhere. That's fine with me. I really want it. I do. But I am honestly poor and can't afford to spend money on really old video games. (video games period, actually.) I know I should be applying for various places that I haven't already applied for. Like Taco Bell, Starbucks, QFC, Safeway. Jobs that I previously had no desire to obtain whatsoever.

And to be completely honest with you, I still have no desire. Unfortunately however, I need a job. I need steady income so that my female and I can find an apartment (or a house) to rent that is to her liking. I really don't have an opinion on where we live as long as she's happy with it. She wants to share a bedroom? Fine. Wants two bathrooms? Awesome. Demands a full kitchen, a den, and a studio? By all means. Whatever she wants, I strive to get for her. I know that I often take far too long to get things or do things and it frustrates her. 

In my defense, or excuse, whichever you see it as, I am a slow moving creature. I very rarely feel the need to rush for any reason.  I don't like fast. I prefer slow and deliberate (in most areas of life, not all) I enjoy fine attention to detail and I am known to be very exact about certain things. I have taken up making abstract art in Paint (the program) and Sweetness looks over my shoulder while I'm zoomed in on the itty-bitty pixels, filling in white spaces and fine tuning things and she shakes her head. Sweetness! My perfectionist doll! She shakes her head. I can't help but laugh. I'm finally being anal about something. The tables are turned! In any case, ranting at you about this has made me a tab bit more willing to fill out applications to work at places I hate. 

C'est la vie,

Sacred Secret