S-E-X..In Video Games

This'll be short, cause I'm supposed to be working on my paper, and Sweetness will kill me if I spend too long here. My day has been going alright. I'm re-finding my love for blogging. Which is good for all of you, not that there's A LOT of you or anything. I'm just saying in general. Its deceptively cold outside. The sun is shining but its freezing. Do you have days like that where you are?

Love, Peace, French Fries,

Sacred Secret

Coffee Shop

So, here I am. Sitting in Starbucks, blogging. It's weird how easy it is to write when you know that no one else gives a shit about what you're doing on your computer because their too busy doing whatever it their doing on their computers. LOL That was a dumb sentence.The only downside to sitting in here is that I am reeeaaallllly tempted to buy a coffee or something. It's such a pleasant atmosphere. I wish I had a little coffee shop, not necessarily Starbucks, near me at my house. One I could just drop in to at any time and chill.Not to say I can't chill at my own house, but it's just more fun to do it somewhere else. Somewhere I don't have to worry about my friends or family needing something. Somewhere that I can people watch, and sip coffee and let the voices of my guys talk to me in their own pace. Usually I'm rushing them, or prodding them to speak and when you do that, they don't sound genuine. It just sounds...quick. And writing, novel writing, doesn't respond well to that rushed thing. They get kind of mad. At least, my guys do. They get all grumbly and warrior like. Actually, it's almost childlike. But only some of them do that. Some of them are willing to talk whenever I need them too. And others still only talk when they want to, so when they do I have to jot down some notes before they either stop or I forget. It's kind of hectic. I wish I could designate the times they talked. I could try to set a time to encourage them. Like If I sat down every other day at four o clock and set my fingers on the keys, maybe they would get the hint after a while that I'm willing to set aside time to listen to them.
Not to say that I'm not. Because I love listening to whatever they have to say, whenever they feel the urge to say it. I love talking with them. It spices up my otherwise boring life. Anyway, I ought to use this time to actually listen to the guys, instead of blogging.

Speak softly, Listen forever,

Sacred Secret

Streaming...1, 2, 3...

This time, I don't have a prompt. There's nothing in particular that I want to say. I just thought I should blog to waste some time. I'm sitting in the Library. Waiting on Sweetness. I didn't bring my laptop, so I can't write. I haven't moved my writing to a flash drive yet. I could read my book, but I don't really want to. I could be doodling, or writing random stuff. But its rare that you get a computer in the Library so I'm just gonna chill here until I can't think of anything else to do.
I know what I should be doing. I should be in ASL right now. But I've missed a week and a half of that class, and I will be SO lost when I go back, that I just...I just don't want to. Do you ever get that displaced feeling like you're walking into a room of people that know each other really well? I do. All the time. Even if I know I'm walking into a place where no one knows anyone. I just feel like everyone has a friend somewhere and I am alone. My social ties are so skewed. Sweetness is really my only link to the "outside". Other than her, if it weren't for my occasional access to the internet I think I'd be considered a Hermit.
I can't say I really mind though. lol I know Sweetness doesn't. I enjoy staying at home and playing Video games and listening to Sweetness tell me about her day. I tend to take the masculine role in the relationship, but there is hardly anything I enjoy more than staying home and waiting for her to come back. I don't really like to get up every morning and go out into the world. I'd rather go at night, when no one is around except the occasional person, who, like me is expecting hardly a soul to be out. I think I'm gonna need to work the night shift! Except, Sweetness would have to sleep alone, and we can not have that. Sweetness tends to have bad dreams when she sleeps alone, and I hate it when I can't console her. It makes me feel awful.
Now that I think about it, I probably define "awful" differently than you do. I think of it more like a sense of failure than a real emotion. It's hard for me to describe emotions or feelings at all. I know I have them, Sweetness says I do. But I feel more apathetic than everyone else. Sweetness worries about everyone, she's very generous that way, and she experiences sadness and pain and joy and elation. I...don't. I just don't. I don't think I feel things the same way.
I know. I know. You're thinking "DUH! No one feels or thinks the same way!" But thats not what I mean.
I'm saying I don't think I feel. I don't acknowledge emotions, and the ones I'm forced to acknowledge I resent. I abhor feeling anger. That is the one I hate the most. It is a useless emotion, that gets you nowhere. It's only use is violence and I don't particularly believe in the use of that either. The other emotion I hate? Sadness. I feel it occasionally. As you know, I loathe crying. I do it more now, and I feel like I have Sweetness to blame. Stupid things are making me tear up. I don't understand. And not necessarily "tear up" that isn't the right one. Its just that stupid sting in your sinuses, you know? Kind of like you're going to sneeze, but it shoots up into you're eyes instead.
Obnoxious.
I shove these emotions away. I do it quickly and effectively. The only way my methods fail is if it has something to do with Sweetness. She unravels all of my defenses and drops them at my feet like they never existed in the first place. So I'm beginning to get the hint that I should just stop trying. But since I've grown up this way, with a barriers in place against everything and everyone, its extremely difficult to break them down myself.
I have barriers up around everyone. No one gets too close, except for those that bulldoze their way in. The moment that person betrays me, however...Barrier. You're no longer within my inner gates. And it's going to take you a very long time to get back in. Sweetness has made it to the inner walls I think, and she's chipping away at the final wall. The last thing keeping me from being insane about her.

That is dangerous.

I can't allow myself to get that tied up into Sweetness. Don't get me wrong. I love and adore my Sweetness. She is a brilliant light in my life that I respect and admire. I always have. I would do anything for her, willingly or not. And there is nothing I would not get for her if she asked. Matter of fact, I have a running list of things I plan to get for her as soon as I get a job. An Apartment being top on the list.
Yes, I do toss in the occasional thing for myself. A game, a pair of pants, food. Whatever. But most of my earnings will go toward whatever she wants. I'm in that deep.
But I cannot allow myself to get in any deeper. I won't. Especially if I know that Sweetness will want to marry a man someday, and have a "traditional" family. She wants kids and some dogs in a relatively large house. With a fence and a large backyard. She probably wants a pool, too. But I will never be able to provide those things for her. I know this. I've come to terms with it. And I know, on the inside, she has too. And of course it will hurt when we part, but we'll never stop loving each other, or being around each other. It will just mean that this section of our lives has come to a close. I do not look forward to this day. And yet...I do. I hope to see Sweetness get married in the wedding of her dreams to a man she trusts and loves. That would make me happy. Because it would make her happy. I'll stand by her side until I can't stand anymore. And then I'll kneel.
There's something about her that keeps me hanging on. I can't explain it.
Anyway, you're probably more than done listening to me talk about Sweetness and my heartsick self. I'm going to go upstairs and read or something now.

Have a wonderful day. And make sure the one you love, knows how much.
Sacred Secret

Artists

So, my Sweetness is an artist. Do you know what that means? It means she's a wonderfully creative, brilliant, visual learner with amazing skills with her hands through various mediums. It also means, she's the world's harshest critic. Artists are the most intense set of people I have ever come to know. And that's just by saying, compared to the Writer's Circle. Not to say that they are particularly friendly either. But Artists? They do everything they can to create perfection, but as I'm sure you know, perfection cannot be obtained. It cannot be created, or seen, or done. Perfection does not and can not exist.

Artists are going to try their damnedest though.

I have watched her slave away for hours over just one project, just so at the end she can look over at me and say "I hate it." I can't help but look at this incredible work of art she has been working on and stare at her incredulously. How can she hate it? If I could do something like that! I would worship my hands! Hell, if I could somehow manage to get them to cooperate long enough to improve my hand writing I'd jump for joy. But this is not the case. She makes beautiful drawings, sketches, paintings. Now she is trained in computer graphics and the visuals she makes are just as brilliant. I've watched her dabble in sculpting too and she's pretty freaking good at that!
But to an Artist, it isn't good enough. There is nothing in this world that will make their work "good" to them, in their eyes. And it depresses me.
I look at all the "flaws" of the work and see that it gives it character. There's a wrinkle, or a smudge, or a fingerprint? Fine. That's wonderful. Becasue it shows the piece as a piece itself and not just something you did. Maybe this is just from a Writer's point of view, but I want people to see the work for the work, and then see it as I wanted them to see it. If I write something and think to myself "I want people to think this is a story about garbage" and then read the reviews and hear "its a story like romeo and juliette!" Then thats wonderful.
Why would I not want to send it off and hear what people think?
Isn't that the point of creating? To give your work life, whatever life may fill it, and send it off into the world? Much like raising a child, you can only do so much before there is nothing else you can do. You have to let the work take it's course, otherwise it won't come out at all.
Prose needs to be coaxed, to be sweet-talked out of your mind and fingers. It needs to be lured with promises and smiles, and sugary treats. I feel like all creation is like that. You can't lure a carving out of a piece of wood by yelling at it. You have to ease the knife down the wood, play it like a fine instrument. The same should be true with a painting or a sketch, or a work of poetry. Even if the emotion you're feeling, the one that inspired you to begin the piece is harsh or quick or frightening in its intensity, you can't show that to the piece.
You cannot show a child a scene of their parent in distress, it will stress the child. You must ease the child into believing that there is nothing wrong at all. They will come to learn more easily, less traumatically. This gives you the result you're looking for. The child is aware, but calm, and you're conveyed emotion is correct. With a piece of artwork you have to be calm on the outside, even if you are raging war in the inside.
Creation is the most intense form of meditation.
Unfortunately, Sweetness is very, very bad at meditation. But she is a brilliantly wonderful Artist. How can I go about helping her be not quite so harsh with herself? It breaks my heart to see her rip down everything she's worked so hard on. I just wish there was something I could do about it.

If you have any advice on the matter, it would be greatly apperciated.


Oh, and by the way, Happy Anniversary, Sweetness. :)

Sacred Secret

There is an interesting sort of pleasurable feeling that comes with accomplishing something like studying or completing an assignment. Catchya later, blogger babes.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret


Check It: "With You" - Linkin Park

She Works.

She has a job. That makes me bored, when she leaves and I have nothing to do. But it's okay. I don't really mind. Today, I'm going to clean the kitchen for her, and work on my short story for PandA Club. I don't think Sweetness remember's that it's her turn to bring the food. But I'll remind her. I forgot how much fun blogging is. I should try to do it more often.. I say that in like, every other post, huh? Oh well. Sucky my balls, yo. lol ;)

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

P.S: What should I eat?

Once Upon A Story

My woman, she's a complicated one. And in my simplistic complication, I often accidentally overlook some of her needs. I apologize, Sweetness. I know I don't do right by you. But I'm trying. Our views are just very different on some things. My brain is wired to be 'anti-stress', so when we try to talk about things that are labeled stressful in my mind, it kind of malfunctions and my thoughts explode, and on top of all that, I think slow. So It takes me a while to get my exploded thoughts back into any semblance of order. I'm not trying to fountain an excuse into you're ear, I'm just trying to explain.

I love you too, Sweetness.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Holy Wow!

I just reviewed my blogs Stats and I found out that people in Latvia have read my blog! Or at least visited it anyway. Thats pretty cool! China, Russia, France, and Luxembourg! That made my day! It kinda makes me want to post more often, except that I'll still have nothing to say. I wish some of the people from different countries would comment. It's boring in America. lol

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Smelly Cheese

I'm playing Harvest Moon: Magical Melody today. I've gotten farther than ever in this one day than i have in the entire time I've had the damn game. It's whatever though. I'm wondering about weird stuff. I had a dream that my girlfriend and I were chillin on the couch, watchin tv, I had my head in her lap, and she leans over kisses me, and shoves her hand into my pants. Of course, being in the living room gives it huge thrill points, but it isn't something she would do, so I know its a dream. I'm really hoping I didn't cum in my sleep. Thats super embarrassing. Has anything like that ever happened to you?

Sacred Secret

How I Feel

"Each kiss I lay on a scar, just means that I accept that part of you with as much love and admiration as the skin that isn't scarred. These are what makes you - you are perfect in your flaws, and are the greater sum of your parts." ---Someone on Gaia


Yeah, thats how I feel about you.


TWMA,
Sacred Secret

I edited my blog! Cool, huh? Sorry that I don't post very often. It's kind of a whenever I think about it type of thing. Not a "It's Tuesday and I should blog!" thing. but I'm trying to revive it I promise. I want people to come back and read it. I know I had a couple followers for a while. I don't really mind if people read my blog though. It's kind of just an outlet for me to release my random thoughts into. I don't think I have anything really important to say, but let me see if I have a poem or something to dish out...Aha! I found one. I wrote this a while ago for my friend! She never read it, so you can!

"Robin"

Little Robin, broken wings.

Fluttering in the winter breeze

With so little lift, but such great song,

The earth’s breath carries her soul along.

Plain of feather, plain of eye

This little song bird is oft denied

First frost scares her away,

But we await her sight on summers first day.

How can one be so dependent on such a little bird?

So plain, so unobtrusive to everyday life.

Simple song, simple look.

Broken wings mean nothing to this angel of seasons.

The cat calls out to her, ‘make merry, for I hunger not. In my garden you may play.’

But the Robin is swift of mind and takes no heed of this foul tempt.

Little bird, soft of word, with broken wing and clouded eye

Stay true to your path.

Your nature guides us all.

Shine your song a fore you,

The earth breathes again for you.

Well, there you have it. I'm pretty sure that I don't have anything else But if I did I would give it to you. Anyway, have a nice day.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate her life, through devotion, to something beyond herself.

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Feeling

It's an interesting feeling.

That feeling you get when you have time to think and reality pools around you like an invisible lead blanket. Soon you're standing at the epicenter of your crumbling world, and you are utterly and completely confused.

I took the time to meditate last night. A Beautiful thing. Silence of the mind, stillness of the body. It helps me ease myself. But I'm still thinking. I'm thinking about everything I've done and how fucked up my karma is right now. I'm a little scared and nervous about what I've recently discovered about myself.

Maybe I'm just really interested in it and so I think I personally like it? I'm not sure. I wish I could talk to someone within the scene about it. They would know for sure. I think. Ahh I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to go about asking. I don't want to offend anyone. That is not something I ever want to do.

A man?

A woman?

I'm not sure.

I'm positive that I would enjoy having a female at my Mercy. But a male? I don't think I could do it. I think I'd cower before him, even if he said "Do with me as you will." No, no. I'd probably have a nervous breakdown.

-sigh- I really need someone to talk to about this. OR someone to tell me what I think. I wish telepaths were more prominent in this world. I'm so confused.

Its like a pressure on my chest when I think about it. A heavy, pleasant, constricting, torturous feeling that I can't control. It makes me squirm and beg for relief. But none comes and I am stuck. I'm having dreams about it. Vivid dreams that I wake up sweaty and panting from. Wet all over with nothing but silence and the hot air of the room to keep me company. I suppose if anyone has any advice they should message me. It would be so wonderful to talk to someone like minded. Or at least set in their mind. Someone who actually knows what they want.

I'm surrounded by indecisive people and its rubbing off on me. Making me unsure of even what I want for breakfast. It's that intense. So I'm going to do definite things today and try to figure out if I could ever control someone else to do them for me. Or if I enjoy pretending that I am doing it for someone else's pleasure.

My favorite sub quote is something along the lines of "It takes a strong person to lead well, it takes a stronger person to abandon their needs and desires for the needs of another."

It makes me think. I want to give myself up completely to someone. I want to think of another person's wants, needs, dreams, goals, pleasures and fetishes before my own. I want to know someone so completely that I can correctly execute what they would want before they say it. On the flip side however, i would also love for someone to be willing to take the time to know me that well. There are none. And perhaps it is because I am closed off. Protective of everything that is a secret to me, that I cannot tell anyone. Maybe I am the most brilliant actress in that I even fool myself. i don't know who I am. And maybe It will take me a few decades to figure it out.

As certain as I seem, I am wholly uncertain.

TWMA.

Mercy

What did I say?

THATS WHAT I THOUGHT!

;)

Superbowl

G-R-E-E-N-B-A-Y!!!

Greenbay bay-bay! lol I hope they win!

No I will not eat my words if they lose.

THEY WON'T.

Greenbay! Let's Get It!

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

Every Once In A While..

Every once in a while, it comes down on me. Like a lead cloud. Without warning and without much coaxing it descends and mercilessly rips apart all the resolve and sense of duty I’ve built up to keep doing this. It’s a weird feeling. Like suddenly the entire universe turns its giant all-knowing, all-seeing eye on me and says “You’re wasting your life. Going down the wrong path. Quit now. It’s not worth it.”

But then, theres another part of me that says, what if it is worth it? What if I just stuck with a decision for longer than a few months? Would it kill me? And how will my mom be affected if I just dropped watching the boy for a year or two? To get the education every demands I have.

I think, through all their screaming and demanding and arguing and fighting, what the hell do you guys know that I don’t? How do you all seem to know whats good for me when half of you can’t even figure out whats good for yourselves? I mean really, what could you know that I don’t? Were you given a manual for this shit sometime when I was sleeping in until two?

That hardly seems fair. They should have sent mine in the mail. Or something. What am I supposed to do? I really wish life was more like Cowboy Bebop. At least then I could get the hell out of here. Own my own spaceship and zip around the cosmos for as long as I have gas in the tank. Think you need a license for one of those? Probably. In which case I’d be in the same transportation situation I’m in now.

Sucky is what that is. Maybe I should just cave and play by their rules. The ones they made up out of their asses. Why do I just have to follow what they say? Cause their older and presumably smarter than me? Because they’ve experienced completely different things than I have? No one has ever lived my life before, so how can they tell me what to do with it? Yeah, that sounds like a great plan.

I’ll just end up as lost and fucked up as everyone else. Then again, at least they don’t know they’re lost. They get to swim around in a pool of oblivious ignorance, thinking everything is okay with who and what they are and where they’re going in life. I get to be stuck here on the island afraid of swimming because I don’t want to get lost. Except I’ve lost myself in the trees and I can’t get out.

Whatever.

Wake me up. Wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark. Bid my blood to run, before I come undone. Save me from the nothing I’ve become.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

Cookies

I'm making cookies. I'm making cookies.
C-O-O-K-I-E-S!
Chocolate chip!
Butterscotch!
Banana!
Gum Drop!
I'm making cookies! I'm making cookies.
Can you make them too?
Delicious and soft.
Warm and Chewy.
I'm making cookies. I'm making cookies!
C-O-O-K-I-E-S!
Can you make them too?


TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Since I've Been Gone

Dude. There is nothing going on that's important. Nope nada. lol I'm watching movies with my friend. Mhm. Yup yup. Muwahahaha.

So. I'll ttyl. Okay?

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

P.S: Kids...

Day 5 - Dreams

Dear Dreams,

Leave me alone. You're bothering my sleep. Tempting me and I don't want it. Yeah, thats right. Go away.


Love,
Sacred Secret

Day 4 - Sibling

Dear Caple Xzavior,

Little man, you got off on a rough start. And I hope someday you’ll be able to read this on your own when I’m not around. I love you more than life itself. I sincerely hope you know that. Before you were born I had big dreams, big plans for you. Then you were born three months early and I officially decided that no matter what happens to you, or what you do…you’ll always be my baby. I’ve loved you since before I knew you existed. I always have. Right now, four days from graduation, I’m angry at you for stealing my mom’s attention. This is MY time. I’m the star, I worked kinda hard for this. You’re lucky I can’t pummel you cause I would. But you’re in the hospital still and so its kind of difficult for me to do that. Anyway, I wish you the best in life. You’re gonna do great things. Don’t let ANYONE hold you back from your dreams. You’re a strong kid. You’ve been through so much already that I’m astounded by you. You’ve inspired me to do a lot of things. Helping me get over my fear of needles (kind of) and inspiring me to lead our family and friends in the March Of Dimes. I’ve stepped up my game as you step up yours. And maybe its just me being selfish some more but you’re making me better I think. This is short I know. But I love you. And I’ll always love you. Even if I don’t like you sometimes.

Love,
Sacred Secret