Once Upon A Story

My woman, she's a complicated one. And in my simplistic complication, I often accidentally overlook some of her needs. I apologize, Sweetness. I know I don't do right by you. But I'm trying. Our views are just very different on some things. My brain is wired to be 'anti-stress', so when we try to talk about things that are labeled stressful in my mind, it kind of malfunctions and my thoughts explode, and on top of all that, I think slow. So It takes me a while to get my exploded thoughts back into any semblance of order. I'm not trying to fountain an excuse into you're ear, I'm just trying to explain.

I love you too, Sweetness.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Holy Wow!

I just reviewed my blogs Stats and I found out that people in Latvia have read my blog! Or at least visited it anyway. Thats pretty cool! China, Russia, France, and Luxembourg! That made my day! It kinda makes me want to post more often, except that I'll still have nothing to say. I wish some of the people from different countries would comment. It's boring in America. lol

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Smelly Cheese

I'm playing Harvest Moon: Magical Melody today. I've gotten farther than ever in this one day than i have in the entire time I've had the damn game. It's whatever though. I'm wondering about weird stuff. I had a dream that my girlfriend and I were chillin on the couch, watchin tv, I had my head in her lap, and she leans over kisses me, and shoves her hand into my pants. Of course, being in the living room gives it huge thrill points, but it isn't something she would do, so I know its a dream. I'm really hoping I didn't cum in my sleep. Thats super embarrassing. Has anything like that ever happened to you?

Sacred Secret

How I Feel

"Each kiss I lay on a scar, just means that I accept that part of you with as much love and admiration as the skin that isn't scarred. These are what makes you - you are perfect in your flaws, and are the greater sum of your parts." ---Someone on Gaia


Yeah, thats how I feel about you.


TWMA,
Sacred Secret

I edited my blog! Cool, huh? Sorry that I don't post very often. It's kind of a whenever I think about it type of thing. Not a "It's Tuesday and I should blog!" thing. but I'm trying to revive it I promise. I want people to come back and read it. I know I had a couple followers for a while. I don't really mind if people read my blog though. It's kind of just an outlet for me to release my random thoughts into. I don't think I have anything really important to say, but let me see if I have a poem or something to dish out...Aha! I found one. I wrote this a while ago for my friend! She never read it, so you can!

"Robin"

Little Robin, broken wings.

Fluttering in the winter breeze

With so little lift, but such great song,

The earth’s breath carries her soul along.

Plain of feather, plain of eye

This little song bird is oft denied

First frost scares her away,

But we await her sight on summers first day.

How can one be so dependent on such a little bird?

So plain, so unobtrusive to everyday life.

Simple song, simple look.

Broken wings mean nothing to this angel of seasons.

The cat calls out to her, ‘make merry, for I hunger not. In my garden you may play.’

But the Robin is swift of mind and takes no heed of this foul tempt.

Little bird, soft of word, with broken wing and clouded eye

Stay true to your path.

Your nature guides us all.

Shine your song a fore you,

The earth breathes again for you.

Well, there you have it. I'm pretty sure that I don't have anything else But if I did I would give it to you. Anyway, have a nice day.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate her life, through devotion, to something beyond herself.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Feeling

It's an interesting feeling.

That feeling you get when you have time to think and reality pools around you like an invisible lead blanket. Soon you're standing at the epicenter of your crumbling world, and you are utterly and completely confused.

I took the time to meditate last night. A Beautiful thing. Silence of the mind, stillness of the body. It helps me ease myself. But I'm still thinking. I'm thinking about everything I've done and how fucked up my karma is right now. I'm a little scared and nervous about what I've recently discovered about myself.

Maybe I'm just really interested in it and so I think I personally like it? I'm not sure. I wish I could talk to someone within the scene about it. They would know for sure. I think. Ahh I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to go about asking. I don't want to offend anyone. That is not something I ever want to do.

A man?

A woman?

I'm not sure.

I'm positive that I would enjoy having a female at my Mercy. But a male? I don't think I could do it. I think I'd cower before him, even if he said "Do with me as you will." No, no. I'd probably have a nervous breakdown.

-sigh- I really need someone to talk to about this. OR someone to tell me what I think. I wish telepaths were more prominent in this world. I'm so confused.

Its like a pressure on my chest when I think about it. A heavy, pleasant, constricting, torturous feeling that I can't control. It makes me squirm and beg for relief. But none comes and I am stuck. I'm having dreams about it. Vivid dreams that I wake up sweaty and panting from. Wet all over with nothing but silence and the hot air of the room to keep me company. I suppose if anyone has any advice they should message me. It would be so wonderful to talk to someone like minded. Or at least set in their mind. Someone who actually knows what they want.

I'm surrounded by indecisive people and its rubbing off on me. Making me unsure of even what I want for breakfast. It's that intense. So I'm going to do definite things today and try to figure out if I could ever control someone else to do them for me. Or if I enjoy pretending that I am doing it for someone else's pleasure.

My favorite sub quote is something along the lines of "It takes a strong person to lead well, it takes a stronger person to abandon their needs and desires for the needs of another."

It makes me think. I want to give myself up completely to someone. I want to think of another person's wants, needs, dreams, goals, pleasures and fetishes before my own. I want to know someone so completely that I can correctly execute what they would want before they say it. On the flip side however, i would also love for someone to be willing to take the time to know me that well. There are none. And perhaps it is because I am closed off. Protective of everything that is a secret to me, that I cannot tell anyone. Maybe I am the most brilliant actress in that I even fool myself. i don't know who I am. And maybe It will take me a few decades to figure it out.

As certain as I seem, I am wholly uncertain.

TWMA.

Mercy

What did I say?

THATS WHAT I THOUGHT!

;)

Superbowl

G-R-E-E-N-B-A-Y!!!

Greenbay bay-bay! lol I hope they win!

No I will not eat my words if they lose.

THEY WON'T.

Greenbay! Let's Get It!

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

Every Once In A While..

Every once in a while, it comes down on me. Like a lead cloud. Without warning and without much coaxing it descends and mercilessly rips apart all the resolve and sense of duty I’ve built up to keep doing this. It’s a weird feeling. Like suddenly the entire universe turns its giant all-knowing, all-seeing eye on me and says “You’re wasting your life. Going down the wrong path. Quit now. It’s not worth it.”

But then, theres another part of me that says, what if it is worth it? What if I just stuck with a decision for longer than a few months? Would it kill me? And how will my mom be affected if I just dropped watching the boy for a year or two? To get the education every demands I have.

I think, through all their screaming and demanding and arguing and fighting, what the hell do you guys know that I don’t? How do you all seem to know whats good for me when half of you can’t even figure out whats good for yourselves? I mean really, what could you know that I don’t? Were you given a manual for this shit sometime when I was sleeping in until two?

That hardly seems fair. They should have sent mine in the mail. Or something. What am I supposed to do? I really wish life was more like Cowboy Bebop. At least then I could get the hell out of here. Own my own spaceship and zip around the cosmos for as long as I have gas in the tank. Think you need a license for one of those? Probably. In which case I’d be in the same transportation situation I’m in now.

Sucky is what that is. Maybe I should just cave and play by their rules. The ones they made up out of their asses. Why do I just have to follow what they say? Cause their older and presumably smarter than me? Because they’ve experienced completely different things than I have? No one has ever lived my life before, so how can they tell me what to do with it? Yeah, that sounds like a great plan.

I’ll just end up as lost and fucked up as everyone else. Then again, at least they don’t know they’re lost. They get to swim around in a pool of oblivious ignorance, thinking everything is okay with who and what they are and where they’re going in life. I get to be stuck here on the island afraid of swimming because I don’t want to get lost. Except I’ve lost myself in the trees and I can’t get out.

Whatever.

Wake me up. Wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark. Bid my blood to run, before I come undone. Save me from the nothing I’ve become.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

Cookies

I'm making cookies. I'm making cookies.
C-O-O-K-I-E-S!
Chocolate chip!
Butterscotch!
Banana!
Gum Drop!
I'm making cookies! I'm making cookies.
Can you make them too?
Delicious and soft.
Warm and Chewy.
I'm making cookies. I'm making cookies!
C-O-O-K-I-E-S!
Can you make them too?


TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Since I've Been Gone

Dude. There is nothing going on that's important. Nope nada. lol I'm watching movies with my friend. Mhm. Yup yup. Muwahahaha.

So. I'll ttyl. Okay?

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

P.S: Kids...

Day 5 - Dreams

Dear Dreams,

Leave me alone. You're bothering my sleep. Tempting me and I don't want it. Yeah, thats right. Go away.


Love,
Sacred Secret

Day 4 - Sibling

Dear Caple Xzavior,

Little man, you got off on a rough start. And I hope someday you’ll be able to read this on your own when I’m not around. I love you more than life itself. I sincerely hope you know that. Before you were born I had big dreams, big plans for you. Then you were born three months early and I officially decided that no matter what happens to you, or what you do…you’ll always be my baby. I’ve loved you since before I knew you existed. I always have. Right now, four days from graduation, I’m angry at you for stealing my mom’s attention. This is MY time. I’m the star, I worked kinda hard for this. You’re lucky I can’t pummel you cause I would. But you’re in the hospital still and so its kind of difficult for me to do that. Anyway, I wish you the best in life. You’re gonna do great things. Don’t let ANYONE hold you back from your dreams. You’re a strong kid. You’ve been through so much already that I’m astounded by you. You’ve inspired me to do a lot of things. Helping me get over my fear of needles (kind of) and inspiring me to lead our family and friends in the March Of Dimes. I’ve stepped up my game as you step up yours. And maybe its just me being selfish some more but you’re making me better I think. This is short I know. But I love you. And I’ll always love you. Even if I don’t like you sometimes.

Love,
Sacred Secret

Day 3 - Parents

Sorry it's a little late I know.

Dear Mom and Dad,
You guys…I don’t even know what to say really. So I guess I’ll do it in two parts.

Mom, You’re the greatest. Despite my hurtness of being neglected over the baby, I still definitely love you. I just don’t want everything to be about him. Even though I completely understand. It’s just that sometimes I want things to be like they used to be. Normal. Me and you. Just the two of us alone in the world working on life the best we can. I miss that. I know you’ve grown into a better, happier person because of the changes that have tugged us apart. But my inner selfishness can’t let go of my want for all that back. I really love how you’ve grown though. And I wouldn’t want you to go back into unhappiness for anything. You know me, I hate change. So I’ll get used to it eventually. And I’m really trying to curb my brat like instincts to pull you back and scream “She’s MY mom!” oh geez, it’s difficult. You just don’t understand. But meditation helps me get into swing with new stuff. It’s just been hard to find a quiet moment by myself recently. I’ll get around to it though. I love you, thanks for all you’ve done.

Dad, I’m still stuck on what to say. I mean really…what can I say? We don’t have a relationship. You barely know what grade I’m in and if it weren’t for my mom, you wouldn’t know I’m graduating this year. To be honest, I loathed you for the longest time. Because you abandoned me and my mom to go live with that witch you don’t even like. She makes you depressed I can hear it in your voice and my mom has told me. I can’t see our non-relationship changing anytime soon. In my mind it’s too late for all that. But I try to be a forgiving person. Just…quit lying to me. It’s not helping at all. Don’t make promises you can’t or won’t keep. Don’t tell me you’re going to buy me a plane ticket or a laptop or a damn sweater and then not do it. No “I’ma send you a picture of your brother and me.” And then no picture, no card, no Hey Fuck Off. Whatever man. I’m through with you. Animosity isn’t my style but you cramp me. Ugh.

Love,
SacredSecret

Day 2 - Crush

Dear Crush,

You’re ever changing forms. I never know when I’m gonna see you and when I do, I never know what to do or say. I have to stop and breath deep when you speak to me. When we touch, I cling to the warmth so hard I feel pathetic. I berate myself later cause I shouldn’t be so attached. I’m just gonna get my heartbroken again, and I’m not ready for that. But I can’t help it. Your scent, your hair, the way you look at me. I love your laugh and how you sing, even if you don’t like it or think you’re bad. I love the way you sound. Your voice is one of my biggest turn-ons. I have to say, I adore your style. Cute, sexy. All at the same time. And whenever I think of you, I bite my lip. Look around, hope no one is looking because its that intense. I can’t think of you in public cause its awkward. But little things remind me of you. Music, certain places, words and phrases. Dumb shit. Random things just pop up and I’m like “Oh hey…” and off I go into Wonderland where I’m prancing around with you, being a dork. In your arms I am safe and secure. At your side I am strong and tall. At your back I am careful and observant. But away from you…across from you…held back from you like a bad smell. Looked at wrongly as though I can’t understand, not smart enough to figure it out or something…I’m not any of those things. I’m small and insignificant, tasteless, bland, weak. I recede into myself just to find some kind of solace but even that far away I can still feel you. Your touch still burns me to the core and I still rejoice. Heh heh, that’s poetic. But I mean it. I really do. And I wish I had the balls, the knowledge and the damn sense to tell you to your face that I love you. I always have.

Love,
Sacred Secret

Day 1 - Best Friend

Fange',
This letter should be easy to write. I don’t think there’s a specific amount of words or pages I have to have. It’s just a letter. I can’t say I have anything to tell you that you don’t already know, but if you ever have a question, you can ask. That’s fine. I can’t think of any questions I would have for you, but if I feel comfortable with the question I might ask. We’ve been friends forever man, really truly. About preschool.-ish. True? I’ve enjoyed almost all of our time together. Heh, excluding our fights and disagreements, or those long times of separation. Those I didn’t enjoy, but it happens and that’s how it works. I’m sure that we have even more random obstacles and joyous occasions to go over. It’s amazing how far we’ve come together, and almost daunting to think about how much farther we have to go. But I’m…ready. I think. To continue on our current path to see out this journey we’ve started on. One thing I wish I could change about our friendship though is miniscule, tiny, insignificant. But also tremendous. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, but I really, really wish you didn’t. And if you don’t, its all the better. Well…I guess I’m done now. Not much more to say. Thanks for being there through all the drama and pain and heartache. Thanks for being someone I can lean on, even if I lean too lightly for you sometimes. Thank you for being so…cool about this stuff. Don’t change who you are for other people. Those who matter, who are good for you, shouldn’t care one way or the other. Those who care, probably shouldn’t matter. Gah…that was corny. Whatev. Peace.
Love,
Sacred Secret

30 Letters. 30 Days.

Try this experiment. Brought to my attention by a friend ;)


Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but are too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Cryin Like a Bitch!

"Crying Like A Bitch" -- Godsmack


Strut on by like a king,
Tellin' everybody they know nothing,
Long live what you thought you were,
Time ain't on your side anymore,
Anymore

And so You tell me I can't take my chances,
But I've told you one too many times you were cryin' like a bitch!

I'm tougher than nails, I can promise you that,
Step out of line and you'll get bitch slapped back,
And you can run your little mouth all day,
But the hand of God just smacked you back into yesterday

And so You tell me I can't take my chances,
But I've told you one too many times you were cryin' like a bitch,
And you wonder why no one can stand you,
And there's no denyin' you were cryin' like a bitch,
You were cryin' like a bitch!

Blinded by your sacred faded past times,
Only time is your enemy,
Granted a second chance to prove that your arrogance is stronger than you'll ever be,

Stronger than you can be,
Oh, stronger than you can be
Oh, stronger than you can... BE!

And so You tell me I can't take my chances,
But I've told you one too many times you were cryin' like a bitch,
And you wonder why no one can stand you,
And there's no denyin' you were cryin' like a bitch,

You were cryin' like a bitch!
You were cryin' like a bitch!
You were cryin' like a bitch!
Oh, Bitch!

^_^,
Sacred Secret

Here We Are!

Here we are

Singing the same old song

Everyday

Writing the same damn way

How do they

Know what we feel, what we need

What we think, what we

Say?

How do they?

If I

Stand on the edge of this world

Screaming full, screaming loud

Would you cry for me?

Strive to bring me back?

For this

Monotony.

Here we are

Singing the same old song

Everyday

Writing the same damn way

How do they know?

How can the tell what I want?

What I need?

What’s good for me?

If we

Move on from this place

Into air and space

Will you lay down your mainstreamity

And free in underground insanity.

Loving new, clean and fresh

Discovery.