"The one I love, I hate...but the sex is great."

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Something. Anything! Screaming. Motionless forever in what I can consider life. Falling forward, backward, down. into the darkest abyss. Darker than the one before. No light in this realm, only a vast blackness, a bone chilling cold. Who can rescue me from this pit? My lights are fading, becoming tainted or weak. Paling in comparison to the darkness as though they too have been consumed. Condemed to this place of evil I will scream. I will fight it. I can't give in becasue a greater power calls unto me. Telling me I must survive. But for what? What am I living for? What right now, can keep me going? Nothing. I'm nothing. With nothing. For nothing. The future only interests me in the slightest. What does it mean NOW? How can I use it NOW? Now is the time and place. If not now, when? At what point in time are you going to turn to me and say "I release you"? Or worse, when are you going to tell me "I love you."? Perhaps when its too late. When I've finally been able to single handedly pull myself out of this deepening hole. Then you'll tell me. Of course your argument might be, "Well it wasn't the right time." but NOW is? Yes. Now. Right this second. Take me or leave me. Without remorse or regret. Take me as I am, for all I offer, for all I am willing to sacrifice to defend you. Or leave me as I am. Finish shattering what you have already struck and allow me to finally fix what is broken. I can't glue it all together before it even splinters apart. I can only ignore the cracks in the glass for so long before I hire someone to repair them. Maybe it'll take that long for me to admit it to myself. That I don't know what I'm doing. But if so, it'll be in the NOW. Without so much as a thought about the future and its many dangers, leap with me. Take me down into this river of danger and wash me anew. If you cannot, let me fly into the arms of another, and leave you in the dust. Let me go! Vile beast of the past! Release me of your clawed and painful grasp and I will bear your scars forever. Claimed as yours, but apart from you. With out much stability. I am infantile. Without shelter or caring. Because I have not the experience. I will stand on wobbly legs of uncertainty for YEARS before I attempt to lean on you again. I have learned from these mistakes and I will pass them off. If you do not Take Me. But still I find you pass me by with no more than a glance. Unknowingly your hurtful words put me in a trance. "Didn't mean it. Doesn't know." a mantra I have learned. But how? How when I know so much? When I read you like a long loved book? Like a mother reads her child? Like a lover reads his love? How can I delude myself any further telling myself its fine its fine. When it's not? What can I say though? Really. What can I say that will show you what I've been doing in my head. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing even matters anymore. But wait. A bright light in my darkness. Something that will depend on me as much as I once depended on you. True. I see that it does not belong to me, it is not mine to keep. But this little ball of light is what I have been craving. What I have wanted since the beginning. I cannot allow myself to give into myself and bring one into the world now. Not when I have nothing to give. When I can make it no better than what I have been given. But trust, I will WORK. I will work harder than I have ever worked to make this change. I will see to it that nothing happens. I will be there every step of the way because I love it as though it were my own. I love it before I have touched or heard. I have not felt. But I have felt. In my heart of hearts the need for it burns. Burns scalding hot as though I will forever be encased in these flames until I can soothe them with song. With rocking. With cooing. With that first smile, or step. Those monumentous moments that will shine brighter in my life than anything. I love it like my own already. The thought of any harm coming unto this light brings tears to my eyes. I am plagued by dreams of my light being ripped from my grasp unexpectedly, never to be seen again. I am not certain I would survive that. Not in dream. Not in life. I would die. Wither into nothingness and float across the breeze. I would crumble into dust and be nothing more than dirt on your floor. Swept away, not a thought. Ghosting through life. If life were to continue in any sense. Perhaps, now. Now you understand the heaviness I place on this. Perhaps now you understand why I crave it more than anything. Why I watch, hawkishly over each appointment. Because though it is not mine, it is mine. My soul and breath. It is mine. Without this blessing I am lost. So I pray. I do. Something I haven't done since I was very young. And at the time I prayed for this same thing. "Let it be. Let it happen." Please, highest deity of this world and beyond. Give to me the blessing I cry for. Yearn for. Please. And atlast, I have been given this wish. I am not a scholar. I am a mother. I always have been. I always will be. Do not come to me and tell me I have to work at it. What comes naturally is natural. I can't deny myself that. I deny myself so much at your whim. I will allow myself to care for this child. And there is nothing, you or anyone else can do about it. I will fight for this child because my very soul depends on it. Not because I have been asked. Not because I have nothing better to do. But because I have nothing else I can do. I am creation. I am nothing if not that.

"For you, a thousand times over."

Over, and Over,
Sacred Secret

OMG I'M IN URNER'S CLASS AGAIN

lol you remember those days a looooooooong time ago when I used to primarily post from Info Tech? Urner was my teacher. I hated it. Refresh your memory? Okay good. Well NOW I'm posting from Digital Imaging and Urner is my teacher! Oh mi gawd! lol weird coincidence. Yeeessssss. Very peculiar. But thats okay. So anywho. How're you? Im okay. I texted T-Word. It feels like I haven't talked to him in forever. Weird. Cause I usually make a habit of texting him once a week, for sanity's sake. But of course when my phone was off, my communications were limited. lolz "Noob..." Muwahahahahahaha! >_> You cannot haz. Bleeeh. First period. hahaha this post makes no sense "DOMO" <_<>

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

O Fortuna!

Awesome song. White words are latin, Blue words are english.

(part 1)
O Fortuna O Fortune,
velut luna like the moon
statu variabilis, you are changeable,
semper crescis ever waxing
aut decrescis; and waning;
vita detestabilis hateful life
nunc obdurat first oppresses
et tunc curat and then soothes
ludo mentis aciem, as fancy takes it;
egestatem, poverty
potestatem and power
dissolvit ut glaciem. it melts them like ice.
Sors immanis Fate - monstrous
et inanis, and empty,
rota tu volubilis, you whirling wheel,
status malus, you are malevolent,
vana salus well-being is vain
semper dissolubilis, and always fades to nothing,
obumbrata shadowed
et velata and veiled
michi quoque niteris; you plague me too;
nunc per ludum now through the game
dorsum nudum I bring my bare back
fero tui sceleris. to your villainy.
Sors salutis Fate is against me
et virtutis in health
michi nunc contraria, and virtue,
est affectus driven on
et defectus and weighted down,
semper in angaria. always enslaved.
Hac in hora So at this hour
sine mora without delay
corde pulsum tangite; pluck the vibrating strings;
quod per sortem since Fate
sternit fortem, strikes down the strong man,
mecum omnes plangite! everyone weep with me!

(part 2)
Fortune plango vulnera I bemoan the wounds of Fortune
stillantibus ocellis with weeping eyes,
quod sua michi munera for the gifts she made me
subtrahit rebellis. she perversely takes away.
Verum est, quod legitur, It is written in truth,
fronte capillata, that she has a fine head of hair,
sed plerumque sequitur but, when it comes to seizing an opportunity
Occasio calvata. she is bald.
In Fortune solio On Fortune's throne
sederam elatus, I used to sit raised up,
prosperitatis vario crowned with
flore coronatus; the many-coloured flowers of prosperity;
quicquid enim florui though I may have flourished
felix et beatus, happy and blessed,
nunc a summo corrui now I fall from the peak
gloria privatus. deprived of glory.
Fortune rota volvitur: The wheel of Fortune turns;
descendo minoratus; I go down, demeaned;
alter in altum tollitur; another is raised up;
nimis exaltatus far too high up
rex sedet in vertice sits the king at the summit
- caveat ruinam! let him fear ruin!
nam sub axe legimus for under the axis is written
Hecubam reginam. Queen Hecuba.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Insta-Poem!

from what I've hear we're golden.
from what I've seen we're black.
I've never heard an angels song
But I've heard the sirens wail.
With nothing more than hope,
what little we call faith.
comes dreams filled with heartbreak
struggle, strife, and pain.
the gods that we look up to
may well live on earth.
but these deities of living
are reveling in our sin.
can you hear heavens song
trilling through your window?
they tell me I can hear it
if I say a little prayer.
but what if I need proof?
probably never get an answer,
surrounded by pain and hardships
is more than I can bear.
so I've turned from this old master
and look in brighter shade
to a ruler of the spirit
for whom I was made.



TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Update Status

First off, I glimpsed Internet yesterday. lol Very sad I know. Anyway.

Last Good Book I Read: Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

Latest Happy Song: Paper Planes by M.I.A (karaoke by HOPE BALES! lol)

Current Bane of My Existence: English Homework

Last Time I Felt Sexy: Yesterday

My New Goal: I WANT ABS.

Reason I Come To School n Thursdays: French Club (EVERY WEEK who needs to be an officer?)

And now a message inspired by Hope Bales.

"Hope Bales sits next to me typing up her 'Huckfinn' essay frantically as it is due fifth period. She occasionally exclaims "FUCK! fuckfuckfuckfuck!" And becomes seriously agitated. Taking frequent gulps of water from her peculiarly shaped water bottle (seriously. PADLOCK), she giggles over my should as I type about her. She then states "I should make a blog, connect it to yours, and then we can have like blog-wars and debate about stuff." As I watch her procrastinate this essay even now, she tells me how much she often does this. Saying "I should win an award for procrastination. Of course, I'll never get it cause I'll never apply. It'll be like 'I need to apply for that'" she then goes on to say, "Which is like the philosophy of my life." As the end of the period nears, and hovers above Hope Bales's head, she becomes overly retarded and begins typing crazily as she nears the final moments of her essay. Reaching the end of it she takes a breath of relief and in that moment....her head explodes. Spraying me with the guts and knowledge of Hope Bales. May her mind rest in peace(es) lol"

Okay! And that's first period with Hope Bales today. hahaha, how does your first period go?

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

"For you, a thousand times over."

For you, a thousand times over.

Over, and over, and over.

My heart bleeds for you once.

And then tears.

Then I bleed again.

More tears.

The once more.

Another waterfall.

What you don't see is my secret pining.

How I wish so desperately, that you would see how much I've changed.

Wish that you would just look and imagine, and want to try.

How can you be sure this change occurred?

You can't, I suppose.

You would just have to reach out in blind faith.

And trust me again.

Which, as I understand, would be unfair.

So I completely understand, if you don't want to.

I understand my mistakes.

My faults.

My flaws.

What I have done to hurt you.

And I changed because of it.

I changed for you, because of you.

Hn.

Not that it matters now.

But always, I will bleed for you.

Anything, for you.

Shed tears of bitter happiness and miserable sadness for you.

For you, a thousand times over.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

Internet Loss

Typing up my thoughts on random computers with available Internet seems so...wrong. Understand? It's just not right. Not sitting in front of MY computer seems to cease my thoughts all together. I find it extremely hard to push forth the words even now. As I sit contemplatively at the computer in North Hill's office. With their secretary reading awkwardly over my shoulder. lol It's very weird. Not a happy place for my inner thoughts. I can't WAIT until I have Internet again. Until I can resume my WebComic readings, beating people up on Facebook, complaining on MySpace, and being a grammar nazi on Gaia. I miss it so much. SO much. But alas, I can only access so much through these school computers. Since places like facebook, gaia, myspace, and youtube are all on a "Global Block List". Really rather unfortunate. Oh well. Maybe someday, I will tour the unadulterated world of the Internet unhindered once more. Until then...


TWMA,
Sacred Secret

A Tale Of Unfortunate Events

Wow. That's all I've got really. I can't say more, unless I want to become that horrible person I strive so hard to go against. I do not, want to be that person. I don't want to be the person that is looked at as "selfish" or "bitchy" or other unpleasantness. I want to be the person you can lean on and tell your darkest secrets to. I want to be the person who can make you forget all of your troubles and worries. Take them onto myself and fix your whole world. That's what I want.

However.

This isn't going to happen.

I will never be the one to shelter you from the rain.

Never be the one to hold you close for warmth and comfort.

Never be the one to wipe away your tears and tell you not to fret because I'm going to fix it all.

I'm not good enough to be that person.

Apparently, I didn't pick the right numbers. I lost the lotto and I can't go back.

So I'm going to give up, and whatever happens from here is just...meant. I guess. Because I don't want to continue to be stepped on and dragged through the mud. I don't want to do things with you that I hate. I don't want to tell you things that aren't true just because you want to hear them. I'm not going to stop doing things just because you don't like it. I'm not going to agree because it makes you feel better. I'm going to tell you the truth.

Of course, every once in a while, my merciful nature will come into play.

It will cease my harsher words and create soothing ones for me to whisper to you. To ease your distress and heartache. IT will come in and whisper over my lips and onto your skin like a soothing balm. But I will reign myself in. I have been too long your carpet. I have been your pet too often. The roles must switch if they will not be played correctly.

Now.

I'm going to try and pursue something worthwhile. Something I want.

I want to be a model. I want to see Celtic Women in concert. I want to go o the mall with my friends. I want someone I can trust to accept me for who I am and what I do. What I want. What I need. I want to get as much as I give.

"It is better to be hurt by the truth, than comforted by a lie."

I'm unveiling the truth.

And it burns me.

TWMA,

Sacred Secret

Bless the courteous and considerate! :)

Ramblings 1

I learned about Active Voice in World Lit. today.
Really interesting stuff that.
Also, an EXTREMELY difficult skill to master.
Apparently, Active Voice does not allow you to use "is", "have", "to be", or "are".
Words such as these weaken your writing.
These words make you appear uncertain about your point.
Which is completely unacceptable.
So, I will continue to practice this valuable skill.
Of course, this blog holds compilations of my thoughts, so I may not always post in Active Voice.
However, I will try.

Anyway.

"The girl with the Tokidoki bag, with sharpies shoved head down in their pocket and the little iconic figures swinging lazily from their silver chain, plodded slowly down the stairs before me. As my foot hits the bottom floor I dart toward the glass double doors serving as my exit. Sunshine blinds me as I step outside, momentarily embraced by the emitted warmth. However my advancing steps carry me farther into the courtyard and the cold wintry air slides against my skin like an old lover. Eager, impatient, startling. I shiver against it and step onto the bus awaiting my arrival. Tossing my bag into the seat, I slide in after and tuck my knees up to my chest, resting them lightly against the seat preceding mine. Before the others can manage to sit down, I crack open my latest reading material, pop in my headphones and prepare for the thirty minute ride home."

How was that? I think it sounds alright. Of course, I haven't read it yet. Cause I just wrote it and I never reread immediately after writing. I dunno why. Just don't. Of course, spell check is necessary. But that's different. Don't you think? Well, now I have ramen and I don't need you anymore. lol j/k

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

I have to write a poem for school. Soon as i left my classroom, they flooded me. Swamped my mind making me mentally gasp for breath. So it shouldn't be hard.

I swear! The kids at my school wear the WEIRDEST shit!

What's In It?

This post is really about nothing. I might write again later. When I get on to do my homework.
Ugh.
Anyway. I'm just doing this to let you know that
1) I'm sleepy
2) I dislike newspaper
3) MRHS newspaper sucks
4) I really have to pee
5) I'm going to sleep.


TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Shower

What do you do in the shower?
I mean, other than wash your ass.
No not THAT.
Do you think?
Or sing?
Or meditate?
Or relax?
What do you do in there?

Some people are only in the shower for about five minutes, so I know they're "in and out" kind of people. But others, like me, spend forever in the shower. I know what I do. But what do you do?
When I'm in the shower, I think about stuff. I make decisions, and explore my mind. I meditate under the hot spray and come to terms with myself. I reassure myself that I am a beautiful woman, no matter what the world says.
On the occasion, I destroy myself in the shower.
I tear myself apart, nit-picking every single thing I could possibly find wrong with myself. My body, my mind, my voice. Anything. Afterwards, I rebuild myself into what I want to be. I give my self image wings to grow stronger and give myself the courage and determination to become that daring, compassionate, responsible, humble woman I strive to be.
I want to be healthy, and strong.
I want to be mentally stable, in an unstable world.
I want to be relaxed, when everyone else is stressed.
I want to be the rock, when everyone has crumbled to pebbles.
I want to be the strength, the courage, the audacity, they need to be themselves.
I want to be a better person than I am now.

I want little girls to know just how beautiful they are. Despite what society may say.
Every girl is beautiful. Every girl has a right to learn, and be free, and speak her mind.


These are the things I think about in the shower.
If I had a waterfall, I would be president.

What do you do in the shower?

TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Note: if you are in high school, wear clothing from your high school. Not your middle school, or your elementary school. Thanks. Love Sacred Secret

Happy Halloween, everyone. Hope your holiday is full of fun and surprises. Be safe, and have a wonderful fright filled night.

No, I didn't have any fun. I was too busy looking for You.

Dark Clouds...

Dark Clouds slither across the sky, leaving darkness and dreary people in their wake. Lower, the rain is falling, forcing the beat of the world to shift and accept its hollow pitpitpitpitpit. Above, the Moon sits in a black sky, reigning over her starlit children like a queen with no king to question her demands. The Moon shines brightly down on the weary world of bustling people too busy to look up and notice her in all of her glorious shining. Full, and round she watches her children, protecting them from those that would do them harm. Waiting and watching, she sits in the sky surrounded by the children that have departed the world and now only reflect her brilliance. Surrounded and alone, she remains vigilant in her watch. Down, down, down...below the Goddess of the Moon, far lower than the Dark Clouds and through the rain and its demanding beat....there is a child. This child lives on a gray sidewalk, bordered by an asphalt street. Surrounded and alone in an enormous city, with people passing and stepping over him day after day. He is waiting for his Mother to claim him, he believes. Waiting for Her to come take him home and say "I've missed you, my precious child." Month after year, he sits and he waits on the gray sidewalk bordered by the onyx asphalt. His bed, covered in dried gum and dirt, a place where people relieve themselves in every way and spit, on his pillow. His blanket, the warm summer breeze or a thrown away sheet. Never to be dirtied is his candle of hope, which he holds close to his heart, never to be snuffed. With each year his flame flickers and dims, the flame itself, losing hope. Never the boy. The child only knows loneliness. Only fear, uncertainty, sickness, cruelty. This child, born of the night, son of the Moon, never knows love or compassion. Only hardship and heartbreak. Faith, drives him on. Motivates him to find his next meal. Gives him energy to scavenge something to pawn for a few dollars. Faith. His best friend, dies. Faith meets her tragic end at the hand of this child's own brother. The child's brother drown poor Faith, held her under until she ceased her needless struggling and the last wisp of air floated from her paling lips. Faith had asked for it, however. She said she was so tired, so worn from the boy's constant questioning...she needed an end. A true escape. So Misery held her under, and gave her that release.



TWMA,
Sacred Secret

Going to the fair. How cool right? I'm excited cause who doesnt love the fair? Rides, games, food! Yay! Are you going too? See you there! Twma, Sacred Secret <3

Dr.Pepper

I'm drinking Dr.Pepper. I should be doing my homework. I'll do that in a second. Anything cool happen to you today? I'm sponsoring a child in Zimbabwe. Her name is Rendani, she's eight years old. She's pretty cool. I'm writing a story. Its pretty cool. I'm writing a different story. Its pretty cool. I gotta go now. See you.

TWMA,
Sacred Secret