This time, I don't have a prompt. There's nothing in particular that I want to say. I just thought I should blog to waste some time. I'm sitting in the Library. Waiting on Sweetness. I didn't bring my laptop, so I can't write. I haven't moved my writing to a flash drive yet. I could read my book, but I don't really want to. I could be doodling, or writing random stuff. But its rare that you get a computer in the Library so I'm just gonna chill here until I can't think of anything else to do.
I know what I should be doing. I should be in ASL right now. But I've missed a week and a half of that class, and I will be SO lost when I go back, that I just...I just don't want to. Do you ever get that displaced feeling like you're walking into a room of people that know each other really well? I do. All the time. Even if I know I'm walking into a place where no one knows anyone. I just feel like everyone has a friend somewhere and I am alone. My social ties are so skewed. Sweetness is really my only link to the "outside". Other than her, if it weren't for my occasional access to the internet I think I'd be considered a Hermit.
I can't say I really mind though. lol I know Sweetness doesn't. I enjoy staying at home and playing Video games and listening to Sweetness tell me about her day. I tend to take the masculine role in the relationship, but there is hardly anything I enjoy more than staying home and waiting for her to come back. I don't really like to get up every morning and go out into the world. I'd rather go at night, when no one is around except the occasional person, who, like me is expecting hardly a soul to be out. I think I'm gonna need to work the night shift! Except, Sweetness would have to sleep alone, and we can not have that. Sweetness tends to have bad dreams when she sleeps alone, and I hate it when I can't console her. It makes me feel awful.
Now that I think about it, I probably define "awful" differently than you do. I think of it more like a sense of failure than a real emotion. It's hard for me to describe emotions or feelings at all. I know I have them, Sweetness says I do. But I feel more apathetic than everyone else. Sweetness worries about everyone, she's very generous that way, and she experiences sadness and pain and joy and elation. I...don't. I just don't. I don't think I feel things the same way.
I know. I know. You're thinking "DUH! No one feels or thinks the same way!" But thats not what I mean.
I'm saying I don't think I feel. I don't acknowledge emotions, and the ones I'm forced to acknowledge I resent. I abhor feeling anger. That is the one I hate the most. It is a useless emotion, that gets you nowhere. It's only use is violence and I don't particularly believe in the use of that either. The other emotion I hate? Sadness. I feel it occasionally. As you know, I loathe crying. I do it more now, and I feel like I have Sweetness to blame. Stupid things are making me tear up. I don't understand. And not necessarily "tear up" that isn't the right one. Its just that stupid sting in your sinuses, you know? Kind of like you're going to sneeze, but it shoots up into you're eyes instead.
Obnoxious.
I shove these emotions away. I do it quickly and effectively. The only way my methods fail is if it has something to do with Sweetness. She unravels all of my defenses and drops them at my feet like they never existed in the first place. So I'm beginning to get the hint that I should just stop trying. But since I've grown up this way, with a barriers in place against everything and everyone, its extremely difficult to break them down myself.
I have barriers up around everyone. No one gets too close, except for those that bulldoze their way in. The moment that person betrays me, however...Barrier. You're no longer within my inner gates. And it's going to take you a very long time to get back in. Sweetness has made it to the inner walls I think, and she's chipping away at the final wall. The last thing keeping me from being insane about her.
That is dangerous.
I can't allow myself to get that tied up into Sweetness. Don't get me wrong. I love and adore my Sweetness. She is a brilliant light in my life that I respect and admire. I always have. I would do anything for her, willingly or not. And there is nothing I would not get for her if she asked. Matter of fact, I have a running list of things I plan to get for her as soon as I get a job. An Apartment being top on the list.
Yes, I do toss in the occasional thing for myself. A game, a pair of pants, food. Whatever. But most of my earnings will go toward whatever she wants. I'm in that deep.
But I cannot allow myself to get in any deeper. I won't. Especially if I know that Sweetness will want to marry a man someday, and have a "traditional" family. She wants kids and some dogs in a relatively large house. With a fence and a large backyard. She probably wants a pool, too. But I will never be able to provide those things for her. I know this. I've come to terms with it. And I know, on the inside, she has too. And of course it will hurt when we part, but we'll never stop loving each other, or being around each other. It will just mean that this section of our lives has come to a close. I do not look forward to this day. And yet...I do. I hope to see Sweetness get married in the wedding of her dreams to a man she trusts and loves. That would make me happy. Because it would make her happy. I'll stand by her side until I can't stand anymore. And then I'll kneel.
There's something about her that keeps me hanging on. I can't explain it.
Anyway, you're probably more than done listening to me talk about Sweetness and my heartsick self. I'm going to go upstairs and read or something now.
Have a wonderful day. And make sure the one you love, knows how much.
Sacred Secret
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Artists
So, my Sweetness is an artist. Do you know what that means? It means she's a wonderfully creative, brilliant, visual learner with amazing skills with her hands through various mediums. It also means, she's the world's harshest critic. Artists are the most intense set of people I have ever come to know. And that's just by saying, compared to the Writer's Circle. Not to say that they are particularly friendly either. But Artists? They do everything they can to create perfection, but as I'm sure you know, perfection cannot be obtained. It cannot be created, or seen, or done. Perfection does not and can not exist.
I have watched her slave away for hours over just one project, just so at the end she can look over at me and say "I hate it." I can't help but look at this incredible work of art she has been working on and stare at her incredulously. How can she hate it? If I could do something like that! I would worship my hands! Hell, if I could somehow manage to get them to cooperate long enough to improve my hand writing I'd jump for joy. But this is not the case. She makes beautiful drawings, sketches, paintings. Now she is trained in computer graphics and the visuals she makes are just as brilliant. I've watched her dabble in sculpting too and she's pretty freaking good at that!
But to an Artist, it isn't good enough. There is nothing in this world that will make their work "good" to them, in their eyes. And it depresses me.
I look at all the "flaws" of the work and see that it gives it character. There's a wrinkle, or a smudge, or a fingerprint? Fine. That's wonderful. Becasue it shows the piece as a piece itself and not just something you did. Maybe this is just from a Writer's point of view, but I want people to see the work for the work, and then see it as I wanted them to see it. If I write something and think to myself "I want people to think this is a story about garbage" and then read the reviews and hear "its a story like romeo and juliette!" Then thats wonderful.
Why would I not want to send it off and hear what people think?
Isn't that the point of creating? To give your work life, whatever life may fill it, and send it off into the world? Much like raising a child, you can only do so much before there is nothing else you can do. You have to let the work take it's course, otherwise it won't come out at all.
Prose needs to be coaxed, to be sweet-talked out of your mind and fingers. It needs to be lured with promises and smiles, and sugary treats. I feel like all creation is like that. You can't lure a carving out of a piece of wood by yelling at it. You have to ease the knife down the wood, play it like a fine instrument. The same should be true with a painting or a sketch, or a work of poetry. Even if the emotion you're feeling, the one that inspired you to begin the piece is harsh or quick or frightening in its intensity, you can't show that to the piece.
You cannot show a child a scene of their parent in distress, it will stress the child. You must ease the child into believing that there is nothing wrong at all. They will come to learn more easily, less traumatically. This gives you the result you're looking for. The child is aware, but calm, and you're conveyed emotion is correct. With a piece of artwork you have to be calm on the outside, even if you are raging war in the inside.
Creation is the most intense form of meditation.
Unfortunately, Sweetness is very, very bad at meditation. But she is a brilliantly wonderful Artist. How can I go about helping her be not quite so harsh with herself? It breaks my heart to see her rip down everything she's worked so hard on. I just wish there was something I could do about it.
If you have any advice on the matter, it would be greatly apperciated.
Oh, and by the way, Happy Anniversary, Sweetness. :)
Sacred Secret
Artists are going to try their damnedest though.
I have watched her slave away for hours over just one project, just so at the end she can look over at me and say "I hate it." I can't help but look at this incredible work of art she has been working on and stare at her incredulously. How can she hate it? If I could do something like that! I would worship my hands! Hell, if I could somehow manage to get them to cooperate long enough to improve my hand writing I'd jump for joy. But this is not the case. She makes beautiful drawings, sketches, paintings. Now she is trained in computer graphics and the visuals she makes are just as brilliant. I've watched her dabble in sculpting too and she's pretty freaking good at that!
But to an Artist, it isn't good enough. There is nothing in this world that will make their work "good" to them, in their eyes. And it depresses me.
I look at all the "flaws" of the work and see that it gives it character. There's a wrinkle, or a smudge, or a fingerprint? Fine. That's wonderful. Becasue it shows the piece as a piece itself and not just something you did. Maybe this is just from a Writer's point of view, but I want people to see the work for the work, and then see it as I wanted them to see it. If I write something and think to myself "I want people to think this is a story about garbage" and then read the reviews and hear "its a story like romeo and juliette!" Then thats wonderful.
Why would I not want to send it off and hear what people think?
Isn't that the point of creating? To give your work life, whatever life may fill it, and send it off into the world? Much like raising a child, you can only do so much before there is nothing else you can do. You have to let the work take it's course, otherwise it won't come out at all.
Prose needs to be coaxed, to be sweet-talked out of your mind and fingers. It needs to be lured with promises and smiles, and sugary treats. I feel like all creation is like that. You can't lure a carving out of a piece of wood by yelling at it. You have to ease the knife down the wood, play it like a fine instrument. The same should be true with a painting or a sketch, or a work of poetry. Even if the emotion you're feeling, the one that inspired you to begin the piece is harsh or quick or frightening in its intensity, you can't show that to the piece.
You cannot show a child a scene of their parent in distress, it will stress the child. You must ease the child into believing that there is nothing wrong at all. They will come to learn more easily, less traumatically. This gives you the result you're looking for. The child is aware, but calm, and you're conveyed emotion is correct. With a piece of artwork you have to be calm on the outside, even if you are raging war in the inside.
Creation is the most intense form of meditation.
Unfortunately, Sweetness is very, very bad at meditation. But she is a brilliantly wonderful Artist. How can I go about helping her be not quite so harsh with herself? It breaks my heart to see her rip down everything she's worked so hard on. I just wish there was something I could do about it.
If you have any advice on the matter, it would be greatly apperciated.
Oh, and by the way, Happy Anniversary, Sweetness. :)
Sacred Secret
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
She Works.
She has a job. That makes me bored, when she leaves and I have nothing to do. But it's okay. I don't really mind. Today, I'm going to clean the kitchen for her, and work on my short story for PandA Club. I don't think Sweetness remember's that it's her turn to bring the food. But I'll remind her. I forgot how much fun blogging is. I should try to do it more often.. I say that in like, every other post, huh? Oh well. Sucky my balls, yo. lol ;)
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
P.S: What should I eat?
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
P.S: What should I eat?
Friday, September 16, 2011
Once Upon A Story
My woman, she's a complicated one. And in my simplistic complication, I often accidentally overlook some of her needs. I apologize, Sweetness. I know I don't do right by you. But I'm trying. Our views are just very different on some things. My brain is wired to be 'anti-stress', so when we try to talk about things that are labeled stressful in my mind, it kind of malfunctions and my thoughts explode, and on top of all that, I think slow. So It takes me a while to get my exploded thoughts back into any semblance of order. I'm not trying to fountain an excuse into you're ear, I'm just trying to explain.
I love you too, Sweetness.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
I love you too, Sweetness.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Holy Wow!
I just reviewed my blogs Stats and I found out that people in Latvia have read my blog! Or at least visited it anyway. Thats pretty cool! China, Russia, France, and Luxembourg! That made my day! It kinda makes me want to post more often, except that I'll still have nothing to say. I wish some of the people from different countries would comment. It's boring in America. lol
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Smelly Cheese
I'm playing Harvest Moon: Magical Melody today. I've gotten farther than ever in this one day than i have in the entire time I've had the damn game. It's whatever though. I'm wondering about weird stuff. I had a dream that my girlfriend and I were chillin on the couch, watchin tv, I had my head in her lap, and she leans over kisses me, and shoves her hand into my pants. Of course, being in the living room gives it huge thrill points, but it isn't something she would do, so I know its a dream. I'm really hoping I didn't cum in my sleep. Thats super embarrassing. Has anything like that ever happened to you?
Sacred Secret
Sacred Secret
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
How I Feel
"Each kiss I lay on a scar, just means that I accept that part of you with as much love and admiration as the skin that isn't scarred. These are what makes you - you are perfect in your flaws, and are the greater sum of your parts." ---Someone on Gaia
Yeah, thats how I feel about you.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
Yeah, thats how I feel about you.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I edited my blog! Cool, huh? Sorry that I don't post very often. It's kind of a whenever I think about it type of thing. Not a "It's Tuesday and I should blog!" thing. but I'm trying to revive it I promise. I want people to come back and read it. I know I had a couple followers for a while. I don't really mind if people read my blog though. It's kind of just an outlet for me to release my random thoughts into. I don't think I have anything really important to say, but let me see if I have a poem or something to dish out...Aha! I found one. I wrote this a while ago for my friend! She never read it, so you can!
"Robin"
Well, there you have it. I'm pretty sure that I don't have anything else But if I did I would give it to you. Anyway, have a nice day.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
"Robin"
Little Robin, broken wings.
Fluttering in the winter breeze
With so little lift, but such great song,
The earth’s breath carries her soul along.
Plain of feather, plain of eye
This little song bird is oft denied
First frost scares her away,
But we await her sight on summers first day.
How can one be so dependent on such a little bird?
So plain, so unobtrusive to everyday life.
Simple song, simple look.
Broken wings mean nothing to this angel of seasons.
The cat calls out to her, ‘make merry, for I hunger not. In my garden you may play.’
But the Robin is swift of mind and takes no heed of this foul tempt.
Little bird, soft of word, with broken wing and clouded eye
Stay true to your path.
Your nature guides us all.
Shine your song a fore you,
The earth breathes again for you.
Well, there you have it. I'm pretty sure that I don't have anything else But if I did I would give it to you. Anyway, have a nice day.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate her life, through devotion, to something beyond herself.
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Saturday, April 16, 2011
Feeling
It's an interesting feeling.
That feeling you get when you have time to think and reality pools around you like an invisible lead blanket. Soon you're standing at the epicenter of your crumbling world, and you are utterly and completely confused.
I took the time to meditate last night. A Beautiful thing. Silence of the mind, stillness of the body. It helps me ease myself. But I'm still thinking. I'm thinking about everything I've done and how fucked up my karma is right now. I'm a little scared and nervous about what I've recently discovered about myself.
Maybe I'm just really interested in it and so I think I personally like it? I'm not sure. I wish I could talk to someone within the scene about it. They would know for sure. I think. Ahh I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to go about asking. I don't want to offend anyone. That is not something I ever want to do.
A man?
A woman?
I'm not sure.
I'm positive that I would enjoy having a female at my Mercy. But a male? I don't think I could do it. I think I'd cower before him, even if he said "Do with me as you will." No, no. I'd probably have a nervous breakdown.
-sigh- I really need someone to talk to about this. OR someone to tell me what I think. I wish telepaths were more prominent in this world. I'm so confused.
Its like a pressure on my chest when I think about it. A heavy, pleasant, constricting, torturous feeling that I can't control. It makes me squirm and beg for relief. But none comes and I am stuck. I'm having dreams about it. Vivid dreams that I wake up sweaty and panting from. Wet all over with nothing but silence and the hot air of the room to keep me company. I suppose if anyone has any advice they should message me. It would be so wonderful to talk to someone like minded. Or at least set in their mind. Someone who actually knows what they want.
I'm surrounded by indecisive people and its rubbing off on me. Making me unsure of even what I want for breakfast. It's that intense. So I'm going to do definite things today and try to figure out if I could ever control someone else to do them for me. Or if I enjoy pretending that I am doing it for someone else's pleasure.
My favorite sub quote is something along the lines of "It takes a strong person to lead well, it takes a stronger person to abandon their needs and desires for the needs of another."
It makes me think. I want to give myself up completely to someone. I want to think of another person's wants, needs, dreams, goals, pleasures and fetishes before my own. I want to know someone so completely that I can correctly execute what they would want before they say it. On the flip side however, i would also love for someone to be willing to take the time to know me that well. There are none. And perhaps it is because I am closed off. Protective of everything that is a secret to me, that I cannot tell anyone. Maybe I am the most brilliant actress in that I even fool myself. i don't know who I am. And maybe It will take me a few decades to figure it out.
As certain as I seem, I am wholly uncertain.
TWMA.
Mercy
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Superbowl
G-R-E-E-N-B-A-Y!!!
Greenbay bay-bay! lol I hope they win!
No I will not eat my words if they lose.
THEY WON'T.
Greenbay! Let's Get It!
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Every Once In A While..
Every once in a while, it comes down on me. Like a lead cloud. Without warning and without much coaxing it descends and mercilessly rips apart all the resolve and sense of duty I’ve built up to keep doing this. It’s a weird feeling. Like suddenly the entire universe turns its giant all-knowing, all-seeing eye on me and says “You’re wasting your life. Going down the wrong path. Quit now. It’s not worth it.”
But then, theres another part of me that says, what if it is worth it? What if I just stuck with a decision for longer than a few months? Would it kill me? And how will my mom be affected if I just dropped watching the boy for a year or two? To get the education every demands I have.
I think, through all their screaming and demanding and arguing and fighting, what the hell do you guys know that I don’t? How do you all seem to know whats good for me when half of you can’t even figure out whats good for yourselves? I mean really, what could you know that I don’t? Were you given a manual for this shit sometime when I was sleeping in until two?
That hardly seems fair. They should have sent mine in the mail. Or something. What am I supposed to do? I really wish life was more like Cowboy Bebop. At least then I could get the hell out of here. Own my own spaceship and zip around the cosmos for as long as I have gas in the tank. Think you need a license for one of those? Probably. In which case I’d be in the same transportation situation I’m in now.
Sucky is what that is. Maybe I should just cave and play by their rules. The ones they made up out of their asses. Why do I just have to follow what they say? Cause their older and presumably smarter than me? Because they’ve experienced completely different things than I have? No one has ever lived my life before, so how can they tell me what to do with it? Yeah, that sounds like a great plan.
I’ll just end up as lost and fucked up as everyone else. Then again, at least they don’t know they’re lost. They get to swim around in a pool of oblivious ignorance, thinking everything is okay with who and what they are and where they’re going in life. I get to be stuck here on the island afraid of swimming because I don’t want to get lost. Except I’ve lost myself in the trees and I can’t get out.
Whatever.
Wake me up. Wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark. Bid my blood to run, before I come undone. Save me from the nothing I’ve become.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Cookies
I'm making cookies. I'm making cookies.
C-O-O-K-I-E-S!
Chocolate chip!
Butterscotch!
Banana!
Gum Drop!
I'm making cookies! I'm making cookies.
Can you make them too?
Delicious and soft.
Warm and Chewy.
I'm making cookies. I'm making cookies!
C-O-O-K-I-E-S!
Can you make them too?
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
C-O-O-K-I-E-S!
Chocolate chip!
Butterscotch!
Banana!
Gum Drop!
I'm making cookies! I'm making cookies.
Can you make them too?
Delicious and soft.
Warm and Chewy.
I'm making cookies. I'm making cookies!
C-O-O-K-I-E-S!
Can you make them too?
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
Friday, September 10, 2010
Since I've Been Gone
Dude. There is nothing going on that's important. Nope nada. lol I'm watching movies with my friend. Mhm. Yup yup. Muwahahaha.
So. I'll ttyl. Okay?
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
P.S: Kids...
So. I'll ttyl. Okay?
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
P.S: Kids...
Monday, June 14, 2010
Day 5 - Dreams
Dear Dreams,
Leave me alone. You're bothering my sleep. Tempting me and I don't want it. Yeah, thats right. Go away.
Love,
Sacred Secret
Leave me alone. You're bothering my sleep. Tempting me and I don't want it. Yeah, thats right. Go away.
Love,
Sacred Secret
Day 4 - Sibling
Dear Caple Xzavior,
Little man, you got off on a rough start. And I hope someday you’ll be able to read this on your own when I’m not around. I love you more than life itself. I sincerely hope you know that. Before you were born I had big dreams, big plans for you. Then you were born three months early and I officially decided that no matter what happens to you, or what you do…you’ll always be my baby. I’ve loved you since before I knew you existed. I always have. Right now, four days from graduation, I’m angry at you for stealing my mom’s attention. This is MY time. I’m the star, I worked kinda hard for this. You’re lucky I can’t pummel you cause I would. But you’re in the hospital still and so its kind of difficult for me to do that. Anyway, I wish you the best in life. You’re gonna do great things. Don’t let ANYONE hold you back from your dreams. You’re a strong kid. You’ve been through so much already that I’m astounded by you. You’ve inspired me to do a lot of things. Helping me get over my fear of needles (kind of) and inspiring me to lead our family and friends in the March Of Dimes. I’ve stepped up my game as you step up yours. And maybe its just me being selfish some more but you’re making me better I think. This is short I know. But I love you. And I’ll always love you. Even if I don’t like you sometimes.
Love,
Sacred Secret
Little man, you got off on a rough start. And I hope someday you’ll be able to read this on your own when I’m not around. I love you more than life itself. I sincerely hope you know that. Before you were born I had big dreams, big plans for you. Then you were born three months early and I officially decided that no matter what happens to you, or what you do…you’ll always be my baby. I’ve loved you since before I knew you existed. I always have. Right now, four days from graduation, I’m angry at you for stealing my mom’s attention. This is MY time. I’m the star, I worked kinda hard for this. You’re lucky I can’t pummel you cause I would. But you’re in the hospital still and so its kind of difficult for me to do that. Anyway, I wish you the best in life. You’re gonna do great things. Don’t let ANYONE hold you back from your dreams. You’re a strong kid. You’ve been through so much already that I’m astounded by you. You’ve inspired me to do a lot of things. Helping me get over my fear of needles (kind of) and inspiring me to lead our family and friends in the March Of Dimes. I’ve stepped up my game as you step up yours. And maybe its just me being selfish some more but you’re making me better I think. This is short I know. But I love you. And I’ll always love you. Even if I don’t like you sometimes.
Love,
Sacred Secret
Day 3 - Parents
Sorry it's a little late I know.
Dear Mom and Dad,
You guys…I don’t even know what to say really. So I guess I’ll do it in two parts.
Mom, You’re the greatest. Despite my hurtness of being neglected over the baby, I still definitely love you. I just don’t want everything to be about him. Even though I completely understand. It’s just that sometimes I want things to be like they used to be. Normal. Me and you. Just the two of us alone in the world working on life the best we can. I miss that. I know you’ve grown into a better, happier person because of the changes that have tugged us apart. But my inner selfishness can’t let go of my want for all that back. I really love how you’ve grown though. And I wouldn’t want you to go back into unhappiness for anything. You know me, I hate change. So I’ll get used to it eventually. And I’m really trying to curb my brat like instincts to pull you back and scream “She’s MY mom!” oh geez, it’s difficult. You just don’t understand. But meditation helps me get into swing with new stuff. It’s just been hard to find a quiet moment by myself recently. I’ll get around to it though. I love you, thanks for all you’ve done.
Dad, I’m still stuck on what to say. I mean really…what can I say? We don’t have a relationship. You barely know what grade I’m in and if it weren’t for my mom, you wouldn’t know I’m graduating this year. To be honest, I loathed you for the longest time. Because you abandoned me and my mom to go live with that witch you don’t even like. She makes you depressed I can hear it in your voice and my mom has told me. I can’t see our non-relationship changing anytime soon. In my mind it’s too late for all that. But I try to be a forgiving person. Just…quit lying to me. It’s not helping at all. Don’t make promises you can’t or won’t keep. Don’t tell me you’re going to buy me a plane ticket or a laptop or a damn sweater and then not do it. No “I’ma send you a picture of your brother and me.” And then no picture, no card, no Hey Fuck Off. Whatever man. I’m through with you. Animosity isn’t my style but you cramp me. Ugh.
Love,
SacredSecret
Dear Mom and Dad,
You guys…I don’t even know what to say really. So I guess I’ll do it in two parts.
Mom, You’re the greatest. Despite my hurtness of being neglected over the baby, I still definitely love you. I just don’t want everything to be about him. Even though I completely understand. It’s just that sometimes I want things to be like they used to be. Normal. Me and you. Just the two of us alone in the world working on life the best we can. I miss that. I know you’ve grown into a better, happier person because of the changes that have tugged us apart. But my inner selfishness can’t let go of my want for all that back. I really love how you’ve grown though. And I wouldn’t want you to go back into unhappiness for anything. You know me, I hate change. So I’ll get used to it eventually. And I’m really trying to curb my brat like instincts to pull you back and scream “She’s MY mom!” oh geez, it’s difficult. You just don’t understand. But meditation helps me get into swing with new stuff. It’s just been hard to find a quiet moment by myself recently. I’ll get around to it though. I love you, thanks for all you’ve done.
Dad, I’m still stuck on what to say. I mean really…what can I say? We don’t have a relationship. You barely know what grade I’m in and if it weren’t for my mom, you wouldn’t know I’m graduating this year. To be honest, I loathed you for the longest time. Because you abandoned me and my mom to go live with that witch you don’t even like. She makes you depressed I can hear it in your voice and my mom has told me. I can’t see our non-relationship changing anytime soon. In my mind it’s too late for all that. But I try to be a forgiving person. Just…quit lying to me. It’s not helping at all. Don’t make promises you can’t or won’t keep. Don’t tell me you’re going to buy me a plane ticket or a laptop or a damn sweater and then not do it. No “I’ma send you a picture of your brother and me.” And then no picture, no card, no Hey Fuck Off. Whatever man. I’m through with you. Animosity isn’t my style but you cramp me. Ugh.
Love,
SacredSecret
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Day 2 - Crush
Dear Crush,
You’re ever changing forms. I never know when I’m gonna see you and when I do, I never know what to do or say. I have to stop and breath deep when you speak to me. When we touch, I cling to the warmth so hard I feel pathetic. I berate myself later cause I shouldn’t be so attached. I’m just gonna get my heartbroken again, and I’m not ready for that. But I can’t help it. Your scent, your hair, the way you look at me. I love your laugh and how you sing, even if you don’t like it or think you’re bad. I love the way you sound. Your voice is one of my biggest turn-ons. I have to say, I adore your style. Cute, sexy. All at the same time. And whenever I think of you, I bite my lip. Look around, hope no one is looking because its that intense. I can’t think of you in public cause its awkward. But little things remind me of you. Music, certain places, words and phrases. Dumb shit. Random things just pop up and I’m like “Oh hey…” and off I go into Wonderland where I’m prancing around with you, being a dork. In your arms I am safe and secure. At your side I am strong and tall. At your back I am careful and observant. But away from you…across from you…held back from you like a bad smell. Looked at wrongly as though I can’t understand, not smart enough to figure it out or something…I’m not any of those things. I’m small and insignificant, tasteless, bland, weak. I recede into myself just to find some kind of solace but even that far away I can still feel you. Your touch still burns me to the core and I still rejoice. Heh heh, that’s poetic. But I mean it. I really do. And I wish I had the balls, the knowledge and the damn sense to tell you to your face that I love you. I always have.
Love,
Sacred Secret
You’re ever changing forms. I never know when I’m gonna see you and when I do, I never know what to do or say. I have to stop and breath deep when you speak to me. When we touch, I cling to the warmth so hard I feel pathetic. I berate myself later cause I shouldn’t be so attached. I’m just gonna get my heartbroken again, and I’m not ready for that. But I can’t help it. Your scent, your hair, the way you look at me. I love your laugh and how you sing, even if you don’t like it or think you’re bad. I love the way you sound. Your voice is one of my biggest turn-ons. I have to say, I adore your style. Cute, sexy. All at the same time. And whenever I think of you, I bite my lip. Look around, hope no one is looking because its that intense. I can’t think of you in public cause its awkward. But little things remind me of you. Music, certain places, words and phrases. Dumb shit. Random things just pop up and I’m like “Oh hey…” and off I go into Wonderland where I’m prancing around with you, being a dork. In your arms I am safe and secure. At your side I am strong and tall. At your back I am careful and observant. But away from you…across from you…held back from you like a bad smell. Looked at wrongly as though I can’t understand, not smart enough to figure it out or something…I’m not any of those things. I’m small and insignificant, tasteless, bland, weak. I recede into myself just to find some kind of solace but even that far away I can still feel you. Your touch still burns me to the core and I still rejoice. Heh heh, that’s poetic. But I mean it. I really do. And I wish I had the balls, the knowledge and the damn sense to tell you to your face that I love you. I always have.
Love,
Sacred Secret
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Day 1 - Best Friend
Fange',
This letter should be easy to write. I don’t think there’s a specific amount of words or pages I have to have. It’s just a letter. I can’t say I have anything to tell you that you don’t already know, but if you ever have a question, you can ask. That’s fine. I can’t think of any questions I would have for you, but if I feel comfortable with the question I might ask. We’ve been friends forever man, really truly. About preschool.-ish. True? I’ve enjoyed almost all of our time together. Heh, excluding our fights and disagreements, or those long times of separation. Those I didn’t enjoy, but it happens and that’s how it works. I’m sure that we have even more random obstacles and joyous occasions to go over. It’s amazing how far we’ve come together, and almost daunting to think about how much farther we have to go. But I’m…ready. I think. To continue on our current path to see out this journey we’ve started on. One thing I wish I could change about our friendship though is miniscule, tiny, insignificant. But also tremendous. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, but I really, really wish you didn’t. And if you don’t, its all the better. Well…I guess I’m done now. Not much more to say. Thanks for being there through all the drama and pain and heartache. Thanks for being someone I can lean on, even if I lean too lightly for you sometimes. Thank you for being so…cool about this stuff. Don’t change who you are for other people. Those who matter, who are good for you, shouldn’t care one way or the other. Those who care, probably shouldn’t matter. Gah…that was corny. Whatev. Peace.
Love,
Sacred Secret
This letter should be easy to write. I don’t think there’s a specific amount of words or pages I have to have. It’s just a letter. I can’t say I have anything to tell you that you don’t already know, but if you ever have a question, you can ask. That’s fine. I can’t think of any questions I would have for you, but if I feel comfortable with the question I might ask. We’ve been friends forever man, really truly. About preschool.-ish. True? I’ve enjoyed almost all of our time together. Heh, excluding our fights and disagreements, or those long times of separation. Those I didn’t enjoy, but it happens and that’s how it works. I’m sure that we have even more random obstacles and joyous occasions to go over. It’s amazing how far we’ve come together, and almost daunting to think about how much farther we have to go. But I’m…ready. I think. To continue on our current path to see out this journey we’ve started on. One thing I wish I could change about our friendship though is miniscule, tiny, insignificant. But also tremendous. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, but I really, really wish you didn’t. And if you don’t, its all the better. Well…I guess I’m done now. Not much more to say. Thanks for being there through all the drama and pain and heartache. Thanks for being someone I can lean on, even if I lean too lightly for you sometimes. Thank you for being so…cool about this stuff. Don’t change who you are for other people. Those who matter, who are good for you, shouldn’t care one way or the other. Those who care, probably shouldn’t matter. Gah…that was corny. Whatev. Peace.
Love,
Sacred Secret
30 Letters. 30 Days.
Try this experiment. Brought to my attention by a friend ;)
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but are too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but are too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Cryin Like a Bitch!
"Crying Like A Bitch" -- Godsmack
Strut on by like a king,
Tellin' everybody they know nothing,
Long live what you thought you were,
Time ain't on your side anymore,
Anymore
And so You tell me I can't take my chances,
But I've told you one too many times you were cryin' like a bitch!
I'm tougher than nails, I can promise you that,
Step out of line and you'll get bitch slapped back,
And you can run your little mouth all day,
But the hand of God just smacked you back into yesterday
And so You tell me I can't take my chances,
But I've told you one too many times you were cryin' like a bitch,
And you wonder why no one can stand you,
And there's no denyin' you were cryin' like a bitch,
You were cryin' like a bitch!
Blinded by your sacred faded past times,
Only time is your enemy,
Granted a second chance to prove that your arrogance is stronger than you'll ever be,
Stronger than you can be,
Oh, stronger than you can be
Oh, stronger than you can... BE!
And so You tell me I can't take my chances,
But I've told you one too many times you were cryin' like a bitch,
And you wonder why no one can stand you,
And there's no denyin' you were cryin' like a bitch,
You were cryin' like a bitch!
You were cryin' like a bitch!
You were cryin' like a bitch!
Oh, Bitch!
^_^,
Sacred Secret
Strut on by like a king,
Tellin' everybody they know nothing,
Long live what you thought you were,
Time ain't on your side anymore,
Anymore
And so You tell me I can't take my chances,
But I've told you one too many times you were cryin' like a bitch!
I'm tougher than nails, I can promise you that,
Step out of line and you'll get bitch slapped back,
And you can run your little mouth all day,
But the hand of God just smacked you back into yesterday
And so You tell me I can't take my chances,
But I've told you one too many times you were cryin' like a bitch,
And you wonder why no one can stand you,
And there's no denyin' you were cryin' like a bitch,
You were cryin' like a bitch!
Blinded by your sacred faded past times,
Only time is your enemy,
Granted a second chance to prove that your arrogance is stronger than you'll ever be,
Stronger than you can be,
Oh, stronger than you can be
Oh, stronger than you can... BE!
And so You tell me I can't take my chances,
But I've told you one too many times you were cryin' like a bitch,
And you wonder why no one can stand you,
And there's no denyin' you were cryin' like a bitch,
You were cryin' like a bitch!
You were cryin' like a bitch!
You were cryin' like a bitch!
Oh, Bitch!
^_^,
Sacred Secret
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Here We Are!
Here we are
Singing the same old song
Everyday
Writing the same damn way
How do they
Know what we feel, what we need
What we think, what we
Say?
How do they?
If I
Stand on the edge of this world
Screaming full, screaming loud
Would you cry for me?
Strive to bring me back?
For this
Monotony.
Here we are
Singing the same old song
Everyday
Writing the same damn way
How do they know?
How can the tell what I want?
What I need?
What’s good for me?
If we
Move on from this place
Into air and space
Will you lay down your mainstreamity
And free in underground insanity.
Loving new, clean and fresh
Discovery.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Breathe In
Breathe out.
Use the motion of the air to turn you. Let your brain be calm and clear. Washed away the sins of desire. Of greed. Of want. Of necessity. Let this cleansing breath wash away your thoughts. That horrid disease. Let it wash away sadness and despair. Let it wash away the Self.
Breathe In.
Let it bring in contentment. Wisdom. Hope. Enlightenment. Let it bring you in closer to the unity of the universe. Let it bring in all the goodness and all the light. May you be well with your new Whole.
In meditation, I am complete. I am able to bring my consciousness into myself and turn it off. I am able to think clearly. Devoid of emotion or thought of another's opinions. I am able to cleanse myself of the days sins and pray into the vast universe that someday, my cries will be heard.
That one day, I will no longer be forced to confide within myself. I will be able to speak freely. Without the hash bite of the lying snake on my tongue. Without the bitter acid that drips down my throat as I swallow the truth. Without the dreadful sinking in the ppit of my stomach that haunts me with each breath come the eve.
I long to be without Self. To be carefree. Existentialist. iew life through glass. I am untouched. Thusly, I make no impact.
Verily, I am unimportant. Without purpose. If i must have one, let it only be to experience my own pattern of life. Set before me by Fate, Destiny, and Happenstance.
My mantra. "Thinking is a disease I can cure. I can quiet my thoughts. Quiet my mind. I am at peace. I am in control of my body. It does not control me. Quiet my thoughts. Quiet my mind. I am at peace."
Try the Om. Just repeat it. It isn't hard.
Stop thinking about it.
Just say it.
Breathe it in.
Breathe it out.
Again.
Good.
Om,
Sacred Secret
P.S: Meditation is good for when you're trying to sleep. :)
Use the motion of the air to turn you. Let your brain be calm and clear. Washed away the sins of desire. Of greed. Of want. Of necessity. Let this cleansing breath wash away your thoughts. That horrid disease. Let it wash away sadness and despair. Let it wash away the Self.
Breathe In.
Let it bring in contentment. Wisdom. Hope. Enlightenment. Let it bring you in closer to the unity of the universe. Let it bring in all the goodness and all the light. May you be well with your new Whole.
In meditation, I am complete. I am able to bring my consciousness into myself and turn it off. I am able to think clearly. Devoid of emotion or thought of another's opinions. I am able to cleanse myself of the days sins and pray into the vast universe that someday, my cries will be heard.
That one day, I will no longer be forced to confide within myself. I will be able to speak freely. Without the hash bite of the lying snake on my tongue. Without the bitter acid that drips down my throat as I swallow the truth. Without the dreadful sinking in the ppit of my stomach that haunts me with each breath come the eve.
I long to be without Self. To be carefree. Existentialist. iew life through glass. I am untouched. Thusly, I make no impact.
Verily, I am unimportant. Without purpose. If i must have one, let it only be to experience my own pattern of life. Set before me by Fate, Destiny, and Happenstance.
My mantra. "Thinking is a disease I can cure. I can quiet my thoughts. Quiet my mind. I am at peace. I am in control of my body. It does not control me. Quiet my thoughts. Quiet my mind. I am at peace."
Try the Om. Just repeat it. It isn't hard.
Stop thinking about it.
Just say it.
Breathe it in.
Breathe it out.
Again.
Good.
Om,
Sacred Secret
P.S: Meditation is good for when you're trying to sleep. :)
Thursday, May 06, 2010
May.
So I'm posting from Physics for one thing. For another thing. I have so much going on this month its ridiculous. Honestly.
It is.
INSANITY.
But. I'll deal.
Cause that's how I roll.
Hahahaha.
More Later! Stay Tuned!
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
It is.
INSANITY.
But. I'll deal.
Cause that's how I roll.
Hahahaha.
More Later! Stay Tuned!
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
Monday, April 26, 2010
Annnyywwaaayy....
Ohh guys. Guess what?
NOTHING
lol I'm sorry. I'm just bored and I want t o write but I shouldn't be writing because I should be Working on my essay. but true to proper slacker form I hear "Not due until Wednesday at 12AM" and I say "I'll do it on Wednesday at 9PM. No big." Sha? lol i'm a failure I know. It's okay though something will kick in and I'll start working. Something like click!OH SHIT. Haahaahaa. It'll happen. I'm not worried.
So how have you been? Good I hope. i'm leaning over my computer (laptop) like a typical nerd butt. It's fun. i feel like I'm hacking into a secret base! Ooo..lol soooooo
LOVER MINE
Comes out tomorrow.
I earned fifteen dollars today, coupled with the fourteen I already had?
Guess what I'm getting ;)
Mmmm....
Anyway, I'm gonna go now and I'll post what I end up writing (unless it just so happens to be my essay, in which case I won't.)
K bye!
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
P.S: I'm trying to stop lying. Help me?
NOTHING
lol I'm sorry. I'm just bored and I want t o write but I shouldn't be writing because I should be Working on my essay. but true to proper slacker form I hear "Not due until Wednesday at 12AM" and I say "I'll do it on Wednesday at 9PM. No big." Sha? lol i'm a failure I know. It's okay though something will kick in and I'll start working. Something like click!OH SHIT. Haahaahaa. It'll happen. I'm not worried.
So how have you been? Good I hope. i'm leaning over my computer (laptop) like a typical nerd butt. It's fun. i feel like I'm hacking into a secret base! Ooo..lol soooooo
LOVER MINE
Comes out tomorrow.
I earned fifteen dollars today, coupled with the fourteen I already had?
Guess what I'm getting ;)
Mmmm....
Anyway, I'm gonna go now and I'll post what I end up writing (unless it just so happens to be my essay, in which case I won't.)
K bye!
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
P.S: I'm trying to stop lying. Help me?
Supposta Blog
This is a blog from forever ago that I just didn't get around to posting. Here ya go :)
February 22, 2010
It’s technically Monday. Seems like super Monday. You know, like its been Monday for weeks. Maybe that’s just because I’m tired. Probably. Bleh. I don’t know what to write about. I’m just writing because it’s good for the soul. Nothing nothing nothing. blah! Empty head with no words to fill it. clamber out into a wild pit. start fighting like they’re crazy. crazy jumping beans. maybe with practice I’ll be able to hit the keys separately like they’re supposed to be hit and not have to hit backspace every five letters. Even though the keys are big and spaced apart, I’m having problems. Maybe it’s because they’re so big and spaced apart. That’s probably it. Perhaps, it would help if I typed like a normal person and not like a random freakoid. I know freakoid isn’t a word. But I can’t say I care. I’m gonna go make up some people that don’t exist. I’m gonna put it under Profiles. And maybe someday I’ll pull them up and breathe life into them. I’ll give them a little back ground story and them when I set them on their feet in the real world they can run with it as they wish. Yup. Sounds good.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret.
February 22, 2010
It’s technically Monday. Seems like super Monday. You know, like its been Monday for weeks. Maybe that’s just because I’m tired. Probably. Bleh. I don’t know what to write about. I’m just writing because it’s good for the soul. Nothing nothing nothing. blah! Empty head with no words to fill it. clamber out into a wild pit. start fighting like they’re crazy. crazy jumping beans. maybe with practice I’ll be able to hit the keys separately like they’re supposed to be hit and not have to hit backspace every five letters. Even though the keys are big and spaced apart, I’m having problems. Maybe it’s because they’re so big and spaced apart. That’s probably it. Perhaps, it would help if I typed like a normal person and not like a random freakoid. I know freakoid isn’t a word. But I can’t say I care. I’m gonna go make up some people that don’t exist. I’m gonna put it under Profiles. And maybe someday I’ll pull them up and breathe life into them. I’ll give them a little back ground story and them when I set them on their feet in the real world they can run with it as they wish. Yup. Sounds good.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
I Want My 90's Nickleodeon Back!
YouTube makes me sad, cause they have all these theme songs to shows I loved. It makes me wanna go back to the old days!! To The Amanda Show, and All That and Kenan and Kel. You remember Doug? Hey Arnold? Gullah Gullah Island, Clarissa Tells All, Sister Sister! Oh man! I want my shows! lol if anyone can get me like a flash back of those shows. I would love you forever. Hahahaha. Anyway. As you know, my loyal followers, I love hearing from you so please comment and such. Please? ^_^ Love you all. Peace!
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
"Cael..." Keara moaned softly digging her nails into hard, muscled shoulders. Quick breaths punctuated each thrust as she met his hips with her own in the sensual rhythm they had created. His dark mahogany hair spilled over his shoulders, mixing and blending with her own golden tresses that slid silkily over their entwined bodies. Keara felt him tense above her, curling his fingers into hers with a quick twitch. A telltale sign of his coming release. She took this moment to wrap her legs around his hips, pulling him deeper into her body. Dragging her nails down his chest she stared up into vivid emerald green eyes waiting to see him overcome in rapture. As he reached his peak, she slipped her free hand under her pillow smiling as his eyes fluttered closed, the moan that escaped his lips was lost on a choking gurgle as blood poured from his chest and dripped off his lips. "Keara...?" he whispered hoarsely, confusion and pain mixing on his silhouetted countenance. She forced away the grimace as his blood pooled and slid down the sides of her naked flesh, telling herself to remain looking in those eyes. Eyes that dulled with each passing second, listening to breath that heaved and muscles that shook with the effort to even now, keep his heavier body off her smaller one. "Why?" He choked spitting blood against her neck. Dropping her hand from the intricate dagger she had plunged into his stomach, she reached up to wipe off her neck. "Because!" She spat, stormy blue eyes glaring into his, "I heard about you with that whore, and I refuse to be your fall back girl. It's me or no one." She was determined to stay strong during all this, even as agonized tears raced down his cheeks, soaking his thick lashes. "I've never been with anyone...but...you..." he sputtered, his arms going limp dropping his deadened weight onto her fragile body she heard him murmur on his final breath "Loved only you...Keara..."
Sing Along.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAaXD9PscQs&feature=related
If you've never heard this song before, shame on you. If you clicked on it, listened to it and fell in love or burst into tears. I love you. Needing music to sing along dramaticaly to. I'm hurting my throat. But it hurts so fucking good.
Twma,
Sacred Secret.
If you've never heard this song before, shame on you. If you clicked on it, listened to it and fell in love or burst into tears. I love you. Needing music to sing along dramaticaly to. I'm hurting my throat. But it hurts so fucking good.
Twma,
Sacred Secret.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Lays
So, its Spring Break, and I'm bored. I really really really wanna go downtown. But I don't have anyone to ride the bus with me and I'm a scaredy lonely kid so I'll just wait until tomorrow when we get my ID and hopefully do something fun. Oh that reminds me, I have to plan something cool for French club. Like go to the Zoo or the aquarium or something. That'd be fun right? I think so. Anyway, uhm..how is your spring break going? If its not your spring break what did you do? Or what are you going to do? I'm sorry I'm such a horrible blogger lately. But I guess thats to be expected when you have a life. Uh, Oh! Xzavior. He's big now. Not nearly in as much danger as before. They've got him in clothes and he eats alot and we can hold him and stuff. It's cool. So yeah. I'm cold. Gonna do something else now. KTHXBAI.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thoughts #3
When I first saw you, I already knew. There was something inside of you. Something I thought that I would never find. Do you recognize it? Maybe you shouldn't. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just writing so I can stop thinking about writing so I can do my homework. I've been on Gaia alot. Just earning gold and donating to people. I also got a Formspring. You know, the little boxes where people can ask you stuff anonymously? There cool I guess. I started classes at the college yesterday. Intro to Literature with Mrs. McCollum. We aren't supposed to call her that though. She wants us to call her Jenn. Which is cool. I'm fine with that. I'll have to get used to it though. Uhmm what else? Oh. Artemis (after the Goddess, not the stupid book). She's our new cat. She has a little purple collar with a purple bell. She's striped black, white, gray, and brown. She's a little super spazz let me tell you that right now. She isn't as big of a jerk as Night was when he was a kitten, but its really too soon to tell, y'know? Uhm Spring break is next week! (for high school @_@) Exciting! I think there is a reason why high school spring break and college spring break is different. Probably because it's hard to tell the difference between a senior in high school and a freshman in college. You know? I couldn't tell the difference, and I'm sure it would be difficult for you. What else what else? Lalalala...hmmm...maybe again later. I actually had something to blog about a while ago, but it escapes me now. Bah!
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
Monday, March 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Thoughts #2
I don't really know what I'm thinking about. I'm just writing to tell myself that I did. I'm too deep. Too deep into the real world to even feel myself anymore. I need to stop lying to everyone. That alone, is taking me down a path I don't want to see the end to. So for the people that even read this far that I have lied to, I'm sorry. I must admit to some things.
First of all, She's Not Real. My "girlfriend" doesn't exist. She never did. She never will. Though I claim myself to be such the sexual deviant, I am not. I have never lain with anyone. Nor do I plan to in the near future. Admittedly, I regret wholeheartedly not taking the chance to lose this obnoxious burden of virginity when I had the bloody chance. Now, I'm stuck with it. And I'm terrified I may be stuck with it forever, so I lie. And I tell people about what a playa I am in my own dreaming's. I know how well I have you fooled. Wrapped around my fingers, I'm playing your minds like puppets of strings. Simple. Agile. Clever weaving's of words that intrigue you to believe me. But I'll warn you away even now, from this spiders web. Its sick, and poisoned.
Secondly, I want to apologize and clarify a few things for some other people. I do believe in God. I believe in a higher power and what not. I do not believe that everything I do determines what happens to me when I'm dead. I do not believe that this higher power, be they male, female, or un-gendered, has any say over what I say or do. I do not believe that this 'person' can make things happen to or for me. Though I may on the occasion 'pray' or make wishes toward this higher power, I have no true faith in it. I will support my friends and family who believe in such things. I will not combat them and say their belief's are wrong or stupid or ungrounded. That is not the kind of person I want to become.
Also, I believe in the possibility of everything. I believe wishes can come true, that vampires, Santa, the Easter bunny, and fairies all exist. I believe in demons and ghosts and apparitions. I believe in divine intervention. I believe in the possibility of all of these things. You don't? That's nice. You do? That's nice. Another thing, I accept homosexuality. I except heterosexuality too. I accept bisexual people, tri-sexual people, and pansexual people as well. I'm a firm believer in Love is Love. I will not judge you for loving someone out of your race, religion, country, or what have you. I won't discriminate if you have a lover who is the same gender as you or different. Nor will I turn my nose up if the two of you significantly differ in age. Actually, I probably won't even blink if you say you're related. That's how it works. Love is love is love. It's uncontrollable, its taboo, its wanton, its lusty. It is full of ups and downs and back alleys and busy streets. Sometimes you get lost, back up and try again. I will not judge you if you are on a different path than me. I may ask you for advice, or try to give you a helping hand. But only if you ask for it.
However. I must say this, to acknowledge it myself. I am human. I am not of a higher species. I am not a prophet. I am not gifted with a higher intelligence than anyone else. I do not belong to a secret race that has yet to claim me. I am mortal. I am human. There is nothing presented to me thus far that allows me to change this. I'm fine with that.
Moving on, to the people I deeply care for. I'm sure you know who you are if you've read this far. I want you to know that despite how I may or may not act toward you; I love you. Dearly do I love you. I want you by my side every waking moment of the day. I think about you constantly and seek out your approval even if it is not outright. I look for chances to be with you and jump at them. If something I love to do conflicts with being with you, I will drop my favorite activity in a heart beat to stand by your side. Even if it's humiliating. Even if its awkward. Even if I'm not really wanted there by anyone else. As long as You approve of me. I am content.
Now. With all that said and done. There are a few people I want to personally contact me for other...confessions. If you think you are one of them...text me. Call me. Comment, or PM. I don't care. Just...talk to me. I need this. If I want to be a better person for You. For myself. I don't mean to put pressure on you. But I'm trying to learn how to live, and I don't want to be angry at myself later because I'm doing it wrong.
Advise me.
Please.
Cynthia.
First of all, She's Not Real. My "girlfriend" doesn't exist. She never did. She never will. Though I claim myself to be such the sexual deviant, I am not. I have never lain with anyone. Nor do I plan to in the near future. Admittedly, I regret wholeheartedly not taking the chance to lose this obnoxious burden of virginity when I had the bloody chance. Now, I'm stuck with it. And I'm terrified I may be stuck with it forever, so I lie. And I tell people about what a playa I am in my own dreaming's. I know how well I have you fooled. Wrapped around my fingers, I'm playing your minds like puppets of strings. Simple. Agile. Clever weaving's of words that intrigue you to believe me. But I'll warn you away even now, from this spiders web. Its sick, and poisoned.
Secondly, I want to apologize and clarify a few things for some other people. I do believe in God. I believe in a higher power and what not. I do not believe that everything I do determines what happens to me when I'm dead. I do not believe that this higher power, be they male, female, or un-gendered, has any say over what I say or do. I do not believe that this 'person' can make things happen to or for me. Though I may on the occasion 'pray' or make wishes toward this higher power, I have no true faith in it. I will support my friends and family who believe in such things. I will not combat them and say their belief's are wrong or stupid or ungrounded. That is not the kind of person I want to become.
Also, I believe in the possibility of everything. I believe wishes can come true, that vampires, Santa, the Easter bunny, and fairies all exist. I believe in demons and ghosts and apparitions. I believe in divine intervention. I believe in the possibility of all of these things. You don't? That's nice. You do? That's nice. Another thing, I accept homosexuality. I except heterosexuality too. I accept bisexual people, tri-sexual people, and pansexual people as well. I'm a firm believer in Love is Love. I will not judge you for loving someone out of your race, religion, country, or what have you. I won't discriminate if you have a lover who is the same gender as you or different. Nor will I turn my nose up if the two of you significantly differ in age. Actually, I probably won't even blink if you say you're related. That's how it works. Love is love is love. It's uncontrollable, its taboo, its wanton, its lusty. It is full of ups and downs and back alleys and busy streets. Sometimes you get lost, back up and try again. I will not judge you if you are on a different path than me. I may ask you for advice, or try to give you a helping hand. But only if you ask for it.
However. I must say this, to acknowledge it myself. I am human. I am not of a higher species. I am not a prophet. I am not gifted with a higher intelligence than anyone else. I do not belong to a secret race that has yet to claim me. I am mortal. I am human. There is nothing presented to me thus far that allows me to change this. I'm fine with that.
Moving on, to the people I deeply care for. I'm sure you know who you are if you've read this far. I want you to know that despite how I may or may not act toward you; I love you. Dearly do I love you. I want you by my side every waking moment of the day. I think about you constantly and seek out your approval even if it is not outright. I look for chances to be with you and jump at them. If something I love to do conflicts with being with you, I will drop my favorite activity in a heart beat to stand by your side. Even if it's humiliating. Even if its awkward. Even if I'm not really wanted there by anyone else. As long as You approve of me. I am content.
Now. With all that said and done. There are a few people I want to personally contact me for other...confessions. If you think you are one of them...text me. Call me. Comment, or PM. I don't care. Just...talk to me. I need this. If I want to be a better person for You. For myself. I don't mean to put pressure on you. But I'm trying to learn how to live, and I don't want to be angry at myself later because I'm doing it wrong.
Advise me.
Please.
Cynthia.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Empty Eyes
Raise empty eyes to empty skies.
Scream empty prayers to empty ears.
Let fall your mask of pain.
For in this rain of troubles,
sunlight will shine again.
This day of agony is only once,
just a test and nothing more.
But your advisor in this test
is cheating you, my dear.
Love is what will pass you through.
So study, do not wait.
For it is a fleeting, touchy thing
And mistakes it will not make.
So grab quick at its colorful wings,
hold fast its nimble feet.
For so long you've waited at this creek,
with taciturn smile and sullen feet.
Then a miracle came along,
and revived your day anew.
With a joyous cry you rose,
and sang out!
Much to your own surprise,
the miracle cried back.
It called to you like a siren does
with very little warning.
It robbed you of your heart and soul
leaving only confused senses.
Weave not, on feet of golden sandals,
you've reached the promise land.
N'ere again will you raise
empty eyes to empty skies
or scream empty prayers to empty ears.
For your miracle is hear,
to fight away all your
Fears.
I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. It's late and I'm tired. I'll see try to remember to talk to you tomorrow. Okay? I love you.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
P.S: Rhyming poems are hard for me to write.
Scream empty prayers to empty ears.
Let fall your mask of pain.
For in this rain of troubles,
sunlight will shine again.
This day of agony is only once,
just a test and nothing more.
But your advisor in this test
is cheating you, my dear.
Love is what will pass you through.
So study, do not wait.
For it is a fleeting, touchy thing
And mistakes it will not make.
So grab quick at its colorful wings,
hold fast its nimble feet.
For so long you've waited at this creek,
with taciturn smile and sullen feet.
Then a miracle came along,
and revived your day anew.
With a joyous cry you rose,
and sang out!
Much to your own surprise,
the miracle cried back.
It called to you like a siren does
with very little warning.
It robbed you of your heart and soul
leaving only confused senses.
Weave not, on feet of golden sandals,
you've reached the promise land.
N'ere again will you raise
empty eyes to empty skies
or scream empty prayers to empty ears.
For your miracle is hear,
to fight away all your
Fears.
I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. It's late and I'm tired. I'll see try to remember to talk to you tomorrow. Okay? I love you.
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
P.S: Rhyming poems are hard for me to write.
Monday, January 25, 2010
"I feel its gonna Rain like this for days, so let it rain down and wash everything away. "
I don't really know whats going on today. It was a good enough day, I suppose. I don't know what happened. Oh wait..Yes I do. Sixth period. That ruined my day. I don't know if its just me, and my personality, or if its everyone. But I don't take kindly to being told I'm not doing my best. I don't want you to come up and tell me that I don't know what I'm doing, or that I'm letting everyone down, or how much of a disgrace to society I am.
Maybe its just me, but I don't appreciate that. Actually, now that I've had time to truly think about the feeling I'm having...I think I'm offended. Truly offended. How dare he have the gall to say such a thing to me, to my class! He may not have been speaking directly to me, but I still take great offense to his long, drawn out, and otherwise pointlessly offense and ineffective lecture. What gives him the right? Honestly!
-sighs- I really needn't get so worked up over this. Why am I even dwelling on the subject in the first place? Who cares...Anyway. I'm not going to let that drag me down into a torturous abyss of unhappiness. I've mentally worked extremely hard to come to where I am, and I refused to relinquish that control to someone who doesn't know me. Someone who only Assumes he can predict my actions or thoughts. Ugh, the nerve. Really though!
No. No. No.
I am a better person than that.
I have no need to gripe about this any more. It's done and over with, far into the past. I've had my moment. And now I need to move on.
How was your day, love? I hope it was well. Mine was alright. No unsettling news or disappointments. I did experience a heart flutter in the middle of fourth period, making me lose my breath for a good fifteen, twenty minutes. Ridiculous, I know. But it happened.
What else can I say? Oh, I'm hoping to change my schedule sometime this week. Probably during lunch, which is just unfortunate really. Because I do use that time to relax and recuperate from the constant onslaught of nagging and pushing and reprimand. I only ever really encourage scolding from two people and trust me none of my teachers fit the bill. I loves my Julian. I loves my John. Heehee, I loves them sooooo much. Like, alot alot.
Well, I guess I'm done now. I should probably do something constructive. Like work on my newest "one-pager" as Max has deemed them. Really, its TWO pages. Front, and back. ^_^ but he says that's only one actual page. Bah. Whatever. He's a stoopid head. Heeheehee.
lol KTHXBAI
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
P.S: "He was a boy, She was a girl. Cannot make it anymore obvious. He wanted her, she'd never tell that secretly she wanted him as well. But all of her friends stuck up their nose, they had a problem with his baggy clothes." I let the boy go cause I thought I wasn't good enough. I changed, and know I'm beginning to see that maybe.......I never will be.
Maybe its just me, but I don't appreciate that. Actually, now that I've had time to truly think about the feeling I'm having...I think I'm offended. Truly offended. How dare he have the gall to say such a thing to me, to my class! He may not have been speaking directly to me, but I still take great offense to his long, drawn out, and otherwise pointlessly offense and ineffective lecture. What gives him the right? Honestly!
-sighs- I really needn't get so worked up over this. Why am I even dwelling on the subject in the first place? Who cares...Anyway. I'm not going to let that drag me down into a torturous abyss of unhappiness. I've mentally worked extremely hard to come to where I am, and I refused to relinquish that control to someone who doesn't know me. Someone who only Assumes he can predict my actions or thoughts. Ugh, the nerve. Really though!
No. No. No.
I am a better person than that.
I have no need to gripe about this any more. It's done and over with, far into the past. I've had my moment. And now I need to move on.
How was your day, love? I hope it was well. Mine was alright. No unsettling news or disappointments. I did experience a heart flutter in the middle of fourth period, making me lose my breath for a good fifteen, twenty minutes. Ridiculous, I know. But it happened.
What else can I say? Oh, I'm hoping to change my schedule sometime this week. Probably during lunch, which is just unfortunate really. Because I do use that time to relax and recuperate from the constant onslaught of nagging and pushing and reprimand. I only ever really encourage scolding from two people and trust me none of my teachers fit the bill. I loves my Julian. I loves my John. Heehee, I loves them sooooo much. Like, alot alot.
Well, I guess I'm done now. I should probably do something constructive. Like work on my newest "one-pager" as Max has deemed them. Really, its TWO pages. Front, and back. ^_^ but he says that's only one actual page. Bah. Whatever. He's a stoopid head. Heeheehee.
lol KTHXBAI
TWMA,
Sacred Secret
P.S: "He was a boy, She was a girl. Cannot make it anymore obvious. He wanted her, she'd never tell that secretly she wanted him as well. But all of her friends stuck up their nose, they had a problem with his baggy clothes." I let the boy go cause I thought I wasn't good enough. I changed, and know I'm beginning to see that maybe.......I never will be.
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