This post is supposed to be happy, but I'm not sure it will be. See I've got a lot to say this time and I've been waiting a while to say it. And because I can't say it face to face to all the people I want to say it to at one time I'm going to post it and I'm going to try and not take it back. Alright....
Have you ever listened to someone and then figured out you should have made your own choice? Wanted to take back something that you didn't choose yourself? I've done that a lot. I've changed myself. Given myself a fake smile I can't rip away from, given myself a completely different life in order to fit in because I'm afraid to be myself around anyone. Alone I act differently. When I'm alone I can be everyone I'm not and everything I am. Do you want to know who I am? I would love to tell you.
At School: I'm a retard. I'm only intelligent to people who think they truly know me, people who I've let see a little bit of my light. I'm indecisive and always waiting for someone to make the decisions for me. I'm waiting for people to talk to me, to talk for me. I am never alone, forever clinging to someones arm following someone around waiting for someone to lead me. Around some people I am forever thinking about sex. My mind is gutter and I have nothing better to think about. Some people I'm beautiful, I am vain and I think about myself. To others I am selfless, I think of only others. This is me while I'm in school. What people see me as, in the place I'm supposedly supposed to feel the safest.
At Home: I am a student who doesn't know how to study. I am a singer with an amazing voice and no idea how to use it. I'm stubborn and family oriented. I love every child I see and I might be too trusting. I am an aspiring author and able to go anywhere I want and do anything I wish. With my intellect I can be whatever I want. I know who I am and I show it. I am a loving daughter with paternal issues that need to be solved. I am the miracle of my mothers life and I am the most special person she knows. This is me while I'm in my home. Where I am supposed to be able to be myself.
Around My Family: I am everything they want. I speak only what they want to hear. I dress the way they want and do everything I can to appease them. I do as they ask and revel in doing so. I give kisses and hugs freely. I'm always willing to help and constantly willing to learn. When asked about school I tell them imaginary highlights, the ones they expect and want to hear. I am loving, caring, devoted, beautiful, and happy. The ideal teenage daughter/niece/granddaughter/cousin.
Around My Best Friends Family: I am open and myself. I'm the youngest sister. I'm klutzy, and forgetful. But I'm a wonderful singer, a hopeful lawyer and an intelligent student. On occasion I maybe forgetful of my place but easily rebound. I'm supportive and interesting and annoying and sometimes very to the point. This is who I am around my best friends family.
Around Fange': I'm what she needs. I try to be all that she needs in and a friend and in a sister. I am loyal, I am caring. I'm entertaining and dumb. I'm there for her when she needs to rant, there when she needs to cry and I'm there when she just wants to talk about whatever. Intellectual conversation and retarded banter is what I am here for. This is who I am around one of the most important people in my life.
And you know what? I can't take it anymore. I'm getting my lives mixed up, not to mention the Voices. I don't even want to get started on them yet. Maybe in a later post...because I can't handle them right now. I want to be able to be myself around anyone and everyone. I want to stop hiding behind my many faces and just be me for once. I know I'll probably never get this chance. And through all of my many faces I am a little bit of all of them. But now I want to be all of them combined and if I can't handle the weight of everyone's judgement at once I'll probably just crumble and enclose myself in my mind for the rest of my life. But its a bet I'm willing to participate in. I'm tired of people telling me to be myself and thinking "Yeah Right." I want to be able to actually believe them. Oh gods...I still have so much to say, so I'm going to get the important stuff over with.
Fange: Your the biggest part of my life and probably always will be until I have kids or get married or something. I always put you into the equation when deciding on anything. I know I think about you more than you think about me. I realize how different we actually are and I strive to be everything you need. I understand that I can't be. I love you in every way shape and form. I'm sad that I couldn't tell you this to your face.
I love him. I love him and I don't care how many times we break up, get back together, fight, argue or whatever. I love him. He holds my heart in his hands and I don't care what anyone says about him anymore. He's mine. He's my retarded, ugly, dim-witted, arrogant, loserish, bastard. He's my immature child. He's mine and I don't care. I will utter his name as many times as I want. I will write on the walls. I would scream his name from the highest point on earth. Because I can. Because I want to. Because he's mine. I want to experience everything that every other couple does. I want to be able to be open with my feelings about him to everyone. I want to be accepted because of who I am, and who I love. So with pride, happiness, love, and sincerity do I say: I love Tyler Richard Pappas with all my heart. And If you can't accept that I'm sorry. If you don't want to associate yourself with me anymore because of that, I will forever wonder why I let you dictate my life. So with this do I say farewell until my next post.
Oh...and if you don't like what I have to say...I suggest you get your own blog and voice your own opinions about whatever the hell you like. I don't like flamers (haters, people who are mean) so please don't come to me and tell me how stupid you think I am. I don't need that.
Till We Meet Again,
Sacred Secret
P.S: This entire post was a secret. What more do you want from me? What more can I offer?
P.P.S: I'm smiling right now, because my body is heavy with a sorrow that tells me if I try...I will be crying later on tonight.